2005-12-19 - 11:02 a.m.

i am just remembering this mornign i dreampt of a hospital. being lost in a hospital. long, florescent lit hallways, broad and stark white. peeking in doors. i was looking for soemthing.

sometimes i would see horrifying things. an old man curled up with his grey white hair bloodied. blood frosting his back.

i knew i wasn't supposed to see that. turned my face. sadness. brutality of life.

it is as real as the birthing of babies. the cycle of life.

days ago i dreampt that an old bestfriend had committed suicide. that i visited with her. so strange. i've been trying to get a hold of her. she always had a strong pull to that darkness.

i feel badly that i scared some people this weekend. lizard and lill T. i almost died. had a bit too much to drink, then smoked pot that had something extra in it. or my friend and i who smoked it (and he's a professional) just suddenly lost our fucking minds. time for temperence. balance. heheh. like i know balance. like we should even pretend for a sterling little moment.

i'm calling the friend, left her a message.

well. fuckall. i'm really feeling lax on work. i guess, i'm trusting that i'm just relaxing for a bit, culling up energies for the next rush. relaxing from this entire year that i pushed beyond what should ever be done to someone who also had a major surgury.

wow i just found out about an apartment that sounds simply keen and came about really fluidly. on a walk, saw a hidden sign. called. he hadn't finished it, but now has. wow, it'd be really far from the new guy. and i'd be living alone again and T is really excited about living together. really set on it and i'm actually prettty happy about that too. we spend countless hours so it already feels like we are roomates. i'm just not sure. i haven't lived with someone in ages. i'm also scared to live alone in a new neighborhood. where i'm going to is less safe. bullets without consciousness. course two of my neighbors here have guns. it's just over there there might be more gangs and street drugging. here its harmless pot and booze. "harmless." hehehe.

i just want to keep writing and not go work. hows them cookies?
speaking of. i ate a lot of them in the last few days. like an addict fresh from rehab.

hope u have a day on you.

be well. and kind to others, this season can be hard on people. accentuated lonliness, one thing said can soften a whole persons bad day.