2005-12-20 - 9:53 a.m.

hi.

i'm feeling welled up.

to be entirely honest, i love the holidays. it's my little secret. i love to give. i can't wait to give. to drown people in gifts and love. all that i can possibly afford. sometimes i feel like i will drown those around me and they will feel the weight of how much i want to give. as if i will suffocate them. like it will overwhelm them. i'm afraid to overwhelm those people that i've choosen to let into the inner layer. i'm afraid i've given too many gifts to the guy. in the begining he gave. i don't want to "take over." shift things. I want to let him give. be the masculine. i love to take over. be the strong one. the giver. provider. i can feel the slight changes. shifts. i give and he retreats slightly. then if i retreat and stop, he'll come forth more. give. massage. touch. but i love to give. touch. step first. it's more difficult and scary for me to sit back. terrifying actually. am i giving too much? i gave him a new toothbrush and a gingerbreadman and now i'm making him a stocking stuffer. hmmm. scared. too much?

i wrote lizard this note after the surgury that i never gave her..then i just finished it. ::

lizard.
sweet pea. thnk you so much for culling up all your strength during this time. hands down my entire family is in love with your soft, kind spirit and your rich loyalty. i don't want to ever take i for granted for even a day.
-
holy shmoly. i wrote this after the surgury. what a year eh?
thank "god" i have you in my life. what elegance to have someone to learn so much with and live out my greatest childhood dream of having a best friend. of having that one very best.

you are beyond my muse my dear. you are my roots, my soil and my sky.
all my love, all my capacity.
me, ineb.

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i'm going to go assemble my favorite love's stocking gifts!!lizard, lill P, T, busy and maybe this new kid i'm dating. :*0