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2005-12-07 - 10:15 a.m. you guys...we are in trouble. we are in some real trouble. possibly. vla, your totally spot on, about not being able to name him. game him..or toss him aside. we're in for a ride here friends. hold the fuck on. i'm just in this warm honey womb and i don't want to come out and yet i'm terrified to be here for the knowledge alone that i will be pryed out, as is life. stasis an illusion created by human craving. i'm pretty much freeking out on so many levels. i almost feel irrevocably changed. in terms of going out tonight and caused my normal riot. i can't...feel so honest about flirting with guys right now. or running off. or getting high with these transient experiences. last night was our next date. after the sheer ridiculous magical one we discussed in p. wait, the night before, did i mention, we talked for two hours. night before last nights date. i learned a lot. too much to say. how he got hurt years back. the same amount of years back that i did. when i started this diary. i know that she cheated. left. wanted to come back for years and years and was very persistent. even as soon as last year. when i asked if he's ever cheated he said yes. i need to find out more there. i never cheat, cuz i *never* committ. so i torture them instead. we could be saying i love you and i'm in the next breath reminding them that we aren't committed and can date others, becuz i most likely was. protective to an extreme. scared of wings pinned down. scared of walls falling down. he said that there were things that i said that scared him. about being destructive. that i might leave. or something. he's so clear. said he's scared cuz i'm not like who he usually attracts, that he has to try. they are usually needy and do everything for him. come to him. aren't full. said he has to constantly think and be on his toes. i told him i feel the exact same way. told him about dating young, tameable's. about being uninspired, about being on autopilot saying the same bs over and over. he's...so full. i'm so terrified. but strangely, still here. still not running. only slight inebriations away. but i feel like i have a toe dipped in the pool, looking him right in the eyes, saying, "k, you want to play? let's play then." i want to see how far either of us can take something. specifically to see how deep i can dive. shit. so last night. he "made" me go down to him. he lives south, let me explain. i am a town snob. i don't go south of venice or north of the 101 (the valley). i don't go into brentwood and i don't pretend to like beverly hills. he lives in a suburban sports bar-esque area that my hard core eastside friends would tear apart. bad enough i'm on the soft but cool side of town by the beach. so i drive down...wait back up...the day i had before then...T...it was the day before T's bday and she asked me to go to the korean spa with her. she had lost her bff two years ago, at this time. just after. so its tough and i felt incredibly, incredibly, softly flattered to be asked. i'm a newer friend, but the one she seems to feel safest with. so i took her to lunch and to the spa, which was a total experience. a bunch of asian women but naked getting scrubbed ass in the air or free ballin in the front. nutts. i loved it. i almost slid right off the table. we got milk scrubs. hours after i got my period. i had a client that i was late to, so i finish my day of work, play, work at 8.30pm with cramps, exhaustion and the idea of driving half hour south. *south*. i so badly wanted to cancel, but i didn't want to set that tone, or jar his trust. half way there i was killing myself over not taking special pills. but glad i didn't. i got there, he was a bit sick. so we were in prime condition. i told him right when i arrived that i was really low energy. but none of it mattered. our energy just adjusted. just flowed a bit quieter. softer. much less sexual. tender. oo my. wow. i made it out. i can't believe i have all this. i can't believe i came from where i've come, and made it to alll this. all you. abundance, and finally, FINALLY my mind that had to do so much healing is catching up. settling in. sweetening up. i got the email back from the childhood friend. it's not good. jail. probation. wild life. torn down. minimal job. trying to get it together. i just read the email. i didn't tell her anything about my life, i didn't want to scare her thinking i'd judge. i love her. just like i always have. and she knows that. it's clear. so anyway last night..he had made me a mixed cd inspired by our first night!!! he said some day i'llexplain why i put each song on. wow. some are kinda intense. so entirely sweet and just capsizing. here was my favorite part, my most favorite part in years. one of my most favorite moments with him. the one that built some trust...he was getting tired, we were laying on his floor near a fire, not really deep in talk, just being and i said, i'm getting up, going to the bathroom then leaving you so you can get some sleep. when i came back he was all organized..too quickly, had my purse all ready. cd in it, said, can i put your earrings in this pocket...and i was a bit hurt he was so apt to have me leave. but then after his organizing project he picked me straight up in the air, leggs wrapped around and carried me upstairs and brought me to his bed. after a bit i said i was going to go, we were in a body embrace and he wouldn't let me go. he said i could only leave if i did so after he fell asleep and came back before he waked. then he wouldn't let go. it was so fucking adorable i just melted. it felt so right. so gentle. so real. i'm toast man. toast. then i was brushing my teeth and he handed me my stayover clothes. just so adorable. he's the funniest most specific human being. so different than me and in some ways so familially the same. once in bed he put on his water in the forest clock night sounds. then the, "oo i forgot my air purification." turns on that. i was gassing. to be with someone so organized. his place is impeccable. where as mine nearly threw him into a panic. it's an artists pad. we layed in a body embrace. it was so .. like new highschool love. so very close. but more whole. and i tell you, i am so attracted. i could just watch him. but here's whats new, it's not in that adreniline way. of trying to capture a butterfly. it's in a real way. like i'm not paniced so much about when the night will end. there's a sense of more. like with mta i didn't sleep all night, trying to capture each bit. becuz he was so inaccessable. but this, i'm more relaxed. but also really still held back and slightly protective. i'm still trying to find out more. i owe myself time. time i've never given myself. value. i had a hard time sleeping. letting go completely. till deep into the morning. i woke up with such energy, talking about the dreams we both had. morning person. inspired by how happy i felt. ooo -- here's the parts that scare me. i know his gimpy cat has to do with an ex. and there used to be another. gimpy cuz it doesn't have a back leg. he said he never even wanted a cat. and that must god damn it of meant that a she lived with him. yuck. super yuck. and i know it must of ended maybe only six months ago or four. i've sluethed a bit. i'm a smart sleuther. i refused to ask more. which i know he was curious about cuz i was pounding him about it the night before. but i just felt like fuck it, i don't care. let it be. your here with me. but another reservation was that he said unequivacably, that he wants to raise his kids in the catholic church. even tho he didn't like it so much himself. what?? here...i'm not...i appreciate you all whom i love who might be into a faith or organization of some sort. but..as for my very personal choice, it's defiantly not me. it's one of the most defiant parts of me. we both made assumptions about eachother...me that since he does some yogi spiritual stuff that he's not into church...and he that i grew up irish so i grew up with catholicism. which actually shocked him to hear i didn't. and then i went onto say that there's two things he needs to know...i'm extremely liberal. politically progressive. radically. and that i'm not into the catholic church at all, in fact i have a lot ooo my...i'm listening to these songs, "let it go, the damage in your heart." another "let down your walls, let love in." what is this. so these are the concerns :: fidelity. x's. catholicism, but more specifically wanting a traditional partnership with childbearing that is traditional. but i am not marrying the guy. i'm just experiencing something that i can't totally name. and i can't even name him. but but but...but..see, i have this dream for myself and my partner. and its far from traditional. it's full of intimate art dinner parties. fluidity. travel. exploration. activism. expression. looseness. coloring crayons on the wall. fearlessness. playlfulness. not a lot of "rules." plants. dancing to music late at night. spontenaety. playfulness. time apart. bunking rhythm to create a lot of rhyme. at least i know what i want. and i trust something. wierd. i'm trusting something brand new within. like the lesson is finally coagulating. i've slowed destruction in liu of creation. and although my thoughts are with him subtly through out the day...i don't feel lost. i don't feel that familiar vacumous feeling. i feel solid and in my life. torn slightly. i won't lie. frayed. ignited. thoughtful. but, not lost. this is just so wierd. how do i reconcile that? how do i take care of myself? jez-lo-weez. this weeks therapy sho gonna be fun! can you guys believe all this? ?pss ::
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