2005-12-05 - 11:28 p.m.

trip out on this...right after my hypervenhilation session today... i get an email back from one of my earliest friends. during all that craziness. just before it. and she wrote immediately back (through find your classmates). i feel so struck. so odd. so exposed. this is the first time i'm coming back to that past. it is amazing. i had to cut it so far off to make a new world here. to convince myself and everyone around me of an entirely new reality. and any big city is good for that.

wow. i'm so nervous to write her back. wow. i'm so nervous. this integration.

there is so much intensity today. so much birthing. in addition to my hypervenhilation session, i had a long talk today with the guy who is starting to really deserve a name.

two hour long. my heart is soft now. gaurded as alllll hell. but somewhere in there is this brand new thing. brand new thing. i learned a lot more about him. his passt a bit. do you want to hear the geekiest thing you will hear today, or this week, month, year????? while he was talking about this really important impresssions, feelings, i well...took notes!! haha. i had to. i skew things so god damn deeply. i felt like i wanted unadultered facts. i wanted remembrance. just silly.

i am so very very scared.

i don't want to move ahead. terrified. and i can't keep myself from moving ahead.

he's really open...um...confronting me on my stuff. the deeper layers. wow. i'm floored. terrified. and guess what!!?? so is he. he admitted that! he said that he was scared by me. on account of that i'm not his typical. that i said somethings late at night that made him feel like it might be the last time to see him. humph. i'm so protective. i do and say things like an instant reflex.

well . this is all just so god damn strange. so much changing. confronting. i feel so different. all of the sudden. i was soo very busy with work, and health. then i just slowed down. and everything that needed to is starting to arrive and shake me at my core. shake the very roots that are the roots of fear and very bad ideas about myself.

so here i am working on "myself" and all this stuff stuff more. and i feel like i'm not as focused as i should be on work. aaaa its always something. but the creative projects, the non work related, are flourishing. of course. only interested in things not on deadline. taht i'm not getting paid for.

wow. to talk to my old bff. wow. one of the earliest. wow. what in the world is she doing now/ did she ever leave our town? our shit suburb? i would lvoe her no matter what. there were rumors about stripping with someone i knew. i don't remember.

so i'm seeing the guy tomorrow night. and truthfully? i couldn't be more excited. i feel so full of life. but i am scared. i need to make money man. i can't slack. this worries me. i've never genuinely tried to combine so many things.

once more, i have to take the work day off tomorrow. "have to." heheh. have to go to the korean spa and get violently scrubbed down. i *never* would go do that during work hours. but T requested. see, she's the new friend that i might live with. and she's been opening a lot to me. just a couple, two years ago, her bff died near her bday. he was drunk in the car. semi suicidal. she talks about it with me a bit. we had a long drunken talk. i love that she opens up. and i know behind the fascade of tough that she picked me as the safe person to spend the day celebrating. so there's no way i could say no. so we are doing girls day on me. my treat. scrub down a couple layers of skin, some tuna melts and maybe vintage shopping! then i actually have clients, thx jezuz, how can i afford this rich season, then i have my "date" with guy who needs a name. he's just so cute. we really get so lost in conversation that sometimes we forget that we also are very attracted and want to tear down. jeez. a nice balance. very interesting. wait. stop. i'm scared of lizard and her guy mtg him. stop stop. jumping ahead. stop. but i know he'll love him. know. it. and her? well we'll just see.

it meant the god damn world to me that she came over last night. sh'es everything to me. do you know what that guy said to me?? he said, "it scares me cuz i am going to pursuit you ineb." holy. i don't rarely recall ever being "pursuited." so i immediately think when he'll give up. when i'll talk him out of it. when he'll decide i'm not right. too fucked up. too difficult. tooo layered. too and then not enough.

aaaa. we are all so very human aren't we?

i've been on a stay up late cycle. i'm excited to cuz i feel like my whole life only exhists in this very week. and this week is froth with fun. tomorrow.we discussed. fun times. minus the clients. wed is a party that should tear it all apart. thurs i can't remember but there are parties. friday night party and my lill girl P comes into town to help me with a work thing this weekend. and we did it last year and had sooo very much fun. so fun. i just love her and can't wait for the fun quality time.

oo man. i am scared. i just drift off. i feel that same feeling i did when i was little. about a boy. wierd. pluzz i want my center. i want that competitive thirst in my work. i started to feel it when i realized, sure sure my stuff is in many states here, but wtf, what about europe? i want europe by the balls. so i felt that highish feeling of new territories. new goals. new manifestations. new yes's. new no's. new hell yeahs.

i still lvoe my assist. she's amazing. i'm the luckiest person ever. a bit nervous cuz i'm talking to someone who is a few years ahead of me in the biz and has done really well...getting info..guidance and i'm afraid to hear about how she got investors. that just is really far off in some hinterland of "for others." who the hell would want to fund me?? jeez.

btw. if you were wondering i'm still faithfully on this atkins diet. minus the atkin bar and low carb cookie treats. heheh. but. i feel good that i'm doing something. and working out.
much love to u. thanks for the drop ins on the gbook...lizzie!!