2005-12-05 - 2:55 p.m.

so sweet what j & vla wrote. thx. ya know what is extremely wierd?? totally different? like a fucking strange miracle i am choosing to not yet trust?

i'm not all wrapped up in it. in him. in obsession. in my value in his lap. in "rejection.' the projection, expectation at rejection actually gets fired up more when i'm on the phone with him. but once i finally put the thoughts, taste of him down, i fall back into my life.

and this is new!!
(PS for those who aren't on the p journal on a different site...i met this guy who isn't named yet and we had an incredible date. enjoyable. he doesn't have any overt red flags. its challenging to just see what happens and give it a chance and not pre decide it'll go to shit. he's very dynamic. we have an incredible time together. laughing constantly. playing. touching. it's all there. there is a lot that fits. but i don't trust this. either him. or this. ...)

i think i always used to faux being in my life, to be full, "just to show him." evidence that i have a life etc. so silly. but let me tell you something very close to my heart....if you read my childhood journal you would know why. know all the why's of my insecurity. the devastation. i re-read for the first time in ...god... five + years...and i have to say, it re-tragidized me. i can't think of the right word. but all of the sudden, i sunk. so far down, into the pit of me. into the pit of that little girl. it was so fucking devastating to read. i wanted to kill her. i wanted it allllll gone. jsut so none of that daily daily hurt had to happen. it's not real. didn't happen stop. stop.

i'm so angry.

it is no god damn wonder that i am the way i am. and insecure that way i am. and have such a sad sense of confidence or value. i can't breath. right now. submerged. it's collapsing in my lungs. beating in my heart. clutching my throat. choking. i hate to cry in the middle of my work day. i hate to submerge. my head is spinging. i feel a bit light.

breathe.

how could they even have had me? why? only to have something to hurt? to batter? to break down?

why?

gasping.

last night i fell so deep, taht i felt myself humbly, quietly be that girl again. so much so that i could barely speak to lizard. could barely have the courage to have a friend. felt scared to ask her to come. to listen. to let it all pour out. forgetting all the work i've done. who i am today. how i am loved.

holy shit. i can't breath. it's coming up so strong. heaves. i know i'm going to have nothing left once this is done. i already feel exhausted.

i'm ready . to let go of this. i am ready to stop relating to that essential pain.

holy shit. i have to take a breath.

god. if i didn't have this.

on verge of instantly throwing up, becuz so much emotion is coming up. waves, holding me in a thick undertow.

i just mostly DEMAND to know why. why whywhy did they bother to have me. it was just so vacant and hurtful and violent.

i'm sorry to leave the details i had to deal with the feelings. essentially, it wasn't like i was "touched," or hurt like that. but. well. definately hurt. slapped. i suppose, nearly a lot. and i think it was ..well i guess my dad hurt my brother. but she hit me a lot. from when i was pretty little i was told. and then there were the names. the nobody home. the feeling so scared. the crying for hours. the fighting. the fighting. the hours of fighting. the shame. the singeing shame. the total loneliness. the never having friends. never getting called back. the need. ooo that's hard to admit. the vacumous need. the need of this little girl. i jst needed one person. just one stable person. i finally started to come out once i got value from guys. then they almost became everything. the barometer of my value. so typical. breathing again. the storm passing. exhaustion.

last night lizard came over. thank god. i had to have evidence of what is current. i needed to be pulled from the past. i am a fucking mess. this is why stuff is supressed man. this is why a drink is drank, a pill popped a life spun out of control. i've been quieter lately. more, "home." and once home, i have become quiet enough to listen to all that had happened.

god damn it.

god damn it.

its sad i can't just get work done today. can't just "be normal." but, well...i think this really had to come. i felt it. i felt it trapped, choked for years. right in my throat. right where the organ was removed.

tight. wound. hurt. violence.

i am done.

i let it go.

i've got to figure out how to reconcile this. how to..um...not cut off that little girl and everything that happened. it's been the only way i've survived so far. just amputated and move on.

i want to decapitate me.

i want to take myself apart.

start from there. but i don't know how to carry her. no one did.

how did i even come this far?? i'm really, truly perplexed. cutting and running did get me this far. survivalist. fighter. i fought so hard. now, i'm trying to unwind the fight within. the anger. unwind that instant reflective reaction. anger, protection.

that has lead me to the blackness. the destruction. de-constructing self. when someone comes too close to trying to love, that's when i tear her down. run hard. drink hard. leave. fragment. capsize. then i'm just gone. not here for you to love, hurt, fail. tenderness. seeing her.

i haven't touched this in a while. it's been all work. all adreniline.

i didn't ask for this. but i feel like i'm being asked. my whole body. my whole self is being asked and i won't shy down from dealing with this. recognizing that sad, little girl. i think by cutting her off, killing her off, that's where i've learned, clutched onto shame. cuz she was always there, at the very pit of me, waiting to be found out. what happens if i invite her? admit her? admit to all she went thro daily and that its not me now. and never ever has to be.

i'm not sure i can go home for xmas. i'm..too angry. too scared. too suffocated. too much to throw up. i feel like i'm really in a rock and a hard spot. i already limited the number of days home, a record 3 nights. unheard of. but now. now. wow. i can barely breathe how can i go into the very flame of where all the hurt originated. even though the scene is different, the players entirely changed. softened. wanting to come in.

i just don't know that i can. this little girl is fuming.

hmm. the wierd thing is that i don't feel slammed to the floor. i feel capable of muddling back into work. i don't, am not letting this take me. not again. there was already enough years of that. done. man. i let it go.