2005-12-07 - 1:44 p.m.

so not getting work done today!!!!

vla. so sweet..hahah, the purification. i was dying. i guess i can take more purification in my air. :*)

also, here's the email i wrote back to my mom after i told her i was processing old hurt and she said, "hurt hurts. i'm sorry if i had contributed to any of it. from the bottom of my heart."

there's such a canyon between then and now, but i can't find the bridge upon which i can cross over yet. i just don't see it yet.

here's the email back...feeling like i need to forewarn her about not coming or coming under new plans...::

K well I apologize if it has to get in the way of the present. But I re read my diary during the ages of 12-14 and I am really disturbed. Not entirely sure how I can come home right now. Not committing to it. I�m really feeling hurt. I rarely have looked back. I know you two are different today. I don�t want you to beat yourself up. I�m just really hurt and I don�t know how to reconcile or make sense of the past.
i haven�t decided, but what I know is I�m in a thick place of processing the past, and I do not feel right about being tossed back and forth between you and dad like a child. If I feel like there is a third option I come up with that feels right, then I�ll make coming home work, but right now I haven�t decided. I don�t want to hurt either of you. It�s not a retaliation. I think I�ve had plenty of time for that. And I�m no longer retaliating against myself as a repetition of the past. I just don�t know how to coagulate what was with what is. It really devastated me. Reading my stuff. So it just is. For me it�s not here or there, it just is and it�s time I embrace all of my past and not amputate it any longer.