2005-12-08 - 2:04 p.m.

vla, i'm laughing! i totally use my teeth as tools! to open, cut, knaw at nearly everything. funny. strings, bottles, plastic bags.

so it's been a hmmm thick time i believe.

flattering. and thick thick thick. like big sad warm grey clouds.

i went to busy's last night cuz his friend suddenly passed away. he requested my snuggles.

i'm really flattered to be close to those around and to be thought of. i used to never have been asked.

the other day i was on the phone with electro and he was rumminating on a speed friend he couldn't save. and all of the sudden its quiet. oh my. my guy friend for the first time ever is starting to hide some crying. i told him it was okay, it was safe and then he went for it man. it was awesome. i almost cried by the compliment and love. and trust. he was sobbing and talking and sobbing. he felt like he had failed. failed to fix her.

then T made sure she was blanketed with inny time cuz it was her bday and her bff of the whole world died two years ago at this time.

and now lizard just went to therapy and her bad past issue came up...a very violated situation..
she poked around needing to come over, coming up with some excuse. asking if she could just come make some jewelry. i told her to come over silly and we'll hang and i'll make her some protein heavy atkin meal.

ya know, i think they open cuz i do with them. they know its possible. steps forward together.

meanwhile as you know i've had mine own revolutions and heaviness. but i feel, besides being utterly hungover from the drinks and valium last night (more on that in p later, god damn i liked that valium coktail blender)... besides my haze, i'm glad to be here, hear for others. it's the season for warmpth and time spent and listening and hugging and being.

i can let go of my neurosis for a moment. a sweet, soft long pause.

still a bit guilty over not being amped on work tho. but it's healthier. i'm not manic. but heres the key, i feel like i'm only worthy and get to keep my biz, inspire income if i'm manic, "doing enough." but now my work is coming from a stronger source. coming from the calm. now i just need a bit more.. whats that word, funny i can never even recall the word...DISCIPLIN!! i need more disciplin. hehe i can't even spell it right. hot.

can you believe about my old running mate who was jailed and on parole. this is how far i've traveled. traversed. rebelled. god. i don't know what i'll say to her.

i haven't talked to no name since our last "date." to be quite honest i got very roudy last night in that same old effort to self forget. to abandon the tenderness, the veering towards thinking of him. becuz now in this hungover state i have power. the power of consumption. too consummed to think of him. unavailable.

that was always why i used to throw up. so that i can turn it off. the biggest fuck you to the world. you can not get to me now. becuz i'm too shut down. i'm gone. i've killed me, so that you couldn't.

that violence.

i don't want violence any longer on almost any level.

i don't know what comes next. i don't know how to easily live in the warmpth of the sweet honey.

i feel the draft, the absolute draft breathing in, the draft of letting go of all that violence. and now i feel empty and don't know, tremble about how to sit with what is next. all that i have never known. never knew possible. don't totally know how to hold. but where else can i go??
i've gone nearly as low as a human can.

i'm standing here naked, feeling the warm draft against my bare skin.