2005-11-29 - 12:57 p.m.

Saturday.

Well hell.o.

I�ve had a fantastic, tumbling few days.

Teach and I managed to bring new friends back to my place where we spent the wee hours eating broccoli, talking life, smoking cigarrettes. But I told you that. There was this cute moment where we all ended up laying on the ground, heads on pillows, looking up at the ceiling, in thought, in talk. In the moment. lost with near strangers.

Turkey day night T and I went to some parties. The first one was layered with sticky paste. In crevases and on tiled surfaces. Mildew and hair. I arrive to be immediately pulled into a recording room where a few guys are lighting a drink. Absynth. First time for absynth. They almost lit the place on fire. Throwing matches in paper filled bins. Abandon. It tasted thick of milky black liquorish. Warm. I felt the drink melt like honey down my throat, into my cheast, deeper, falling, submerging.

Then we went to my friends beautiful home in the hills. Goregous. He�s the one in the play I went to go see. Had no idea he was so balling. I ate cheese. Then I demolished the chocolate cake. Yes, that is correct, that *isn�t* on my �diet-cheese-of-champions.�

Then we went to another home. What�s with these people owning homes?? It�s LA! I felt the craving for a home like theirs. The second one we were greeted by two gay guys doing goofy photo�s and a great cheese plate. Five dogs, all different breeds. Small group. At one point we all are dancing. Shy people lingering uncomfortably on the couch until I drag every last one into the circle of dance. Like a playground. Like forgetting yourself. Like absorption.

Then a boy arrives. Tall, in a black sweater with a white crisp button up under. When I see his eyes I immediately have to know him. they shine and smile like a big hug. Open. Joyful. Later we talk. And talk and talk. What I liked were the books he liked to read. What I liked is that he grew up in east la and never went to highschool. Brought himself up. Works on sets, travels the world. Is gentle and al,most playful. But young. You knew there was a catch. He�s 25. I am only 25 in certain self regressions. In linear reality I am now 30.

T is a corrupter, at some point she gave me too much libation. I would of stopped. I was moderated cleanly. There were frozen bluberries at the bottom of the drink. Also not on my diet, but a damn good anti-oxidant. Boy and I are outside talking. Two of the bigger dogs get in afight over the toys. People are trying to break it up. They can�t. it�s getting bad. Necks in teeth. He and I run over and I grab one dog and instruct the others to pull the other. We are successful in our mission, I stand, he kisses my head.

T and he came over later (I�ve been at the friends place all weekend, the one of the side of town I will be moving too alllll toooo sooon and won�t know how to afford!!). last night I was here alone and wanted him to come over. But I also knew I�d loose respect and feel suffocated. So I lay in bed alone terrified of all the windows, of all the closets. Of all the ways someone could easily slip inside. Slept with that edge all night. But today I am so happy to be alone. Have the place to myself and the cat. The sun is bright. The shades open. The view beautiful. The coffeee, perfect. I�m going to go on a walk and see an apartment and do some work. Heaven. I feel horrible for abandoning my place on the other side of town. It�s like a split. A double life. my cats there, alone. Forgot to take my pills with me. how long can I go without them?

The psychic said that he was quite surprised I�m alive at all, that I�ve had a deathwish in my chart. That I had catapulting amounts of pain to process. Enough to take thirty years. But that its over. I�ve seen it through. That now I�m onto what is next.