2005-11-13 - 9:21 p.m.

i just had a wierd thing happen.

i was walking home from where i got dinner. had my satchel with my computer in it, exhaustion clouding my body, mind, had my ears plugged into my music.

then i feel someone behind me. i think, i'm just paranoid. feel it more. more. i turn. there is a man. we are on a quiet, empty, dark street. he's too close. inches away all of the sudden. my immediate sensation is he's not safe. but i give him his two second kindness requisite to ask me for money and then be on his way. still treat him like a human. but this isn't what he's after. he's shaking. he's getting closer, talking quietly. my alert flys up, one foot steps back in a fight stance. hand goes up, "get the fuck away from me." very loudly, "i said get the fuck away from me." i am walking away keeping him in the center of my intense focus. he is saying something about how he usually doesn't approach someone like this, he's shy and i'm just so this or that, so this, so this, so this he repeats...if he or anyone did that to my lill girl, i'd fucking kill them.

me loudly, still fighter, now trying to give him some benefit based on what he was saying, "i'm sorry man, but that's just not cool. you don't approach someone like that." and i'm off. watching. watching.

at least i know if there's a fight or flight, my impulse is to fight. there was this moment, this moment where i truly didn't know, this pause where i felt like he was wondering, too close, too close to me, if he could do something and that's the moment i flipped and got right up further in his face challenging, then took my, okay fucker lets have it stance. jezuz i'm tired. it was all posing and adreniline. i'm not sure i do have it in me. i'm barely standing. i hope he doesn't know where i walked to. where i live. but again. as long as he doesn't have too much of an unfair advantage with a weapon...well. but there's always this point at night, when i'm slipping into sleep. where i know my gaurd is falling off and i wake with alarm and concern. because i know i'm about to become defenseless. alert, wanting to check closets, stomp around. throw open the shower curtain.

after i walked away. once i was safe, i replayed what happened. what was said and i questioned myself. which pisses me off. i questioned, well, he's shy. he was ?? so was dalmer. that's exactly the fucking ploy he used. the cripple bullshit. then it makes women second guess, "am i being mean??" fuck that, i'm being on the defense becuz you crept up behind me right in my safe space at night on a lonely street...and how long were you following me? i'm feeling angry. i'm glad i showed it. i'm glad i let him know where the boundary was and didn't let him get an inch of power by scaring someone. i think sometimes throwing someone off like that is an attempt to get a boner off of the power of scaring someone. power. but i'm someone who will climb higher. unless you have a weapon. otherwise i'll take it further than you ever planned. anty up.

it feels like midnight. 2nd entry of the night.

i still have so much to finish. last mile. last mile. just have to make it past this last mile. haven't slept now in god knows. longest ever. what has come over me. this time the whole not sleeping happened so easily.

i don't like that you can climb into my window from the tree. a drunk friend did it once. i've got my knife, desk drawer. mac light, bedside.