2005-11-13 - 5:33 p.m.

alison. that is so wierd. i was just thinking about you. powerful.

i want to catch up if you are reading this. i was selfishly thinking, everytime i try and catalog, or backlog or store my stuff it gets fatal and my stuff disappears into the hinterland. then you periodically over the years have to save it. then i thought, good work ineb, go ask the girl to save you after i do believe she just gave birth. but then i was thinking. allison. one of the most compassionate, patient people that still walks this erractic, absurd earth. she would even forgive that.

how are you?

i feel really good. i think there's something to exhaustion. good exhaustion. it breaks down some cycling insanity, nerves, perfection and just leaves me honest, fluid. in the moment.

i didn't sleep last night. i went to friends to work. worked till 1a.m. took a "work break" at our new fav local and had a drink. met a jackass adorable who turns out to have a girlfriend. hence forth, he will be tortured. for such flirtation with a bean in the bag to begin with.

cat's roomate is so very cool. we have such a natural fun time. but wait. i think i also have a sense of ease becuz i'm the pack leader. ever since my first bff ever, this has been the case. someone who will acquiese to me. i lead. they follow. i protect. that's the tradeoff. so i'm weary. i don't want to be that person. it implys inequality. disrespect. i want to allow all the room on earth for the other human being.

it's just so fun. she had a make out session while i went back to work. then she needed to come do a bedside chat. so truth be told i started real work around four a.m. and finished around six. right when my dogs were getting up to go to the flea market. MY FAVORITE PLACE ON EARTH, so says the girl with the new hot, okay a size too big but fuck, hot bone colored slouchy seventies healed boots and vintage baby blue soft t and sunglasses that just say, whatever metallica. so i said to myself. six huh? i'm up. let's go. and off i went and haven't really stopped since. took a two hour nap, but got a call from one of the people giving feedback on the project for deadline and now i'm up. and obsessed. i can't leave it. i've never been so in love with anything. much more than with my business. that's a game. this is the heart. terrifying. fufilling. i can't believe i have this opportunity. it's my lifelong dream. and finally. finally after a life of it getting blank stares and shoves under the rug, swallowed by the black and decker i'm getting "validated" for it. fed. fed. fed. fed. my soul. weaved into it. fed. this is something that's meant my life. since i was so little and. just to hear its sorta good. blows me away. makes me cry. i just stop, put my hands in my face and cry. i'm combustable. and that's why i can't sleep. and why i'm up again, ready to go fall in love a little bit more.

i am also scared of coming down. of the slide.

what goes up must come down.

what is saturated also runs dry?

i'm crying. a bit. i'm just so .. i want to live for this. this keeps me here. "besides the love of friends and family." felt that disclaimer of right social proportions needed to be said. but this. this is the reason. in my soul. the thread. it sounds silly. belittled. mangled by exhaustion.

it's just nice to write and tell you that finally i'm not terrorized by my mind. by my criticisms. they have rested for a few amazing days. :*)