2005-11-12 - 3:41 p.m.

i'm tired and hung over. i want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and DO NOTHING. not even read. pretend to read, but really just sleep.

my friend t is the devil. devil! "come in, just one more drink. you have to!"
or something like that. i had a great time. but really now. i'm on deadline and it was obsurd to be up till FOUR IN THE MORNIN. and to end it with two chicken soft taco's w/ sour cream. from my guy friend. i don't know what to do with him. can't remember the name we gave him. maybe street? he takes me to the airport. to the car fixer. feeds me at 3a.m. but i'm not into him. into one of his friends. the only living crush i have. so last night was sorta uneventful. i ended up getting my car fix, flipping the bird to the acts of fate. i should of just accepted it as a goregous excuse. but i could tell cat really needed me. and i can't figure it. cuz she seemed okay. and i don't know what need looks like on her. and then she wanted me to tell her what was new with me. shit girl i didn't drop everythign to drive across town to talk about myself. i had this wierd feeling that in order for me to take the time, that i better really help out. like there was a "worth it" barometer.

i nearly had another altercation w/ a hummvee. there are thousands of them out here. it's shameful. but then they flipped a bitch and left. also there was a bad moment. where the curb bumped into my car. hmmm.

i just thought i'd report the full nature of my debachery. but t was even worse. calling at 3pm saying she was still drunk. slept with the guy. three times. nuts.

kinda funny that one.

at least i really have been playing it pretty pg for a while. but i think i'm going to make that bad x take me away. i had the wierdest dreams about my parents. so colorful and vivid and memorable. and then i had this part of the dream where this couple were honing in on me yucky style and this dark man protected me. i loved that feeling of protection. loved the biggness of him.

shit man. i'm starting work awfully late. :*( in trouble. i only have today and tomorrow. a mountain of work.

but i've gotten great feedback on the stuff i've done so far for the big project, big deadline. that feels nice. so at least part of it will be strong. let's see what i can do tonight. i feel so heavy in the head. heavy and dizzy at the same time.

i was play fun fun with some drummer last night. he was upset i didn't 'know who he was.' vla i'm sure you would, but now i can't remember again. thank you so much for the encouragement. i'm going to re read it again when i'm not so painfully hung over.

do you think i have a problem?

pss. my assist had her first, "over it" day. it was sweet. i had to pull it out of her and talk her down. i have to watch her, cuz she's not the type who would talk about it. just keeping eating it. which isn't healthy. so i gave her some support. it was funny both her and the jewelry girl called me totally exasperated cuz the manufacturers are impossible sometimes. and i thought, oooo sweet jezuz, how nice that i'm not the one dealing w/ all this. i get to calm them and diffuse. but then i also thought, shit i was dealing with this everyday on my own. no wonder i elected to go into any institution offered. it was really sharp edged. rough and tumble. and then there was my head and expectations and critcisms on top of it!

little nervous about affording these ladies. sheeet. i can't afford not to have them. so wierd. cuz my security blanket is also gone, i've barely done massage in weeks! so i'm entirely curious to see if i can afford all this overhead. i'm scared to be able to. scared not to be able to.

i'm feeling slightly sad. quiet.

but tonight i think i'll go stay at cat's and work. her roomate is so cool. a diamond in the ruff. someone you'd never notice, but when you do, you see such a beautiful person. i want to protect her and show her off to the world. she has a tough job. i have cotton candy in comparison. she teaches emotionally disturbed in a difficult neighborhood. chairs thrown. tantrums. special ed. and she is so sweet and maleable.

the sun is going down and i'm just waking up :*)

all my best.