2005-11-06 - 10:06 p.m.

i had the most fantastic, vivid, physically rich morning dream.

first i was in my aunts house. two story. for some holiday, family gathering. a brother had a several friends staying there. i met a few of them. there was one that was downstairs. this one i had a crush on. i was wondering why he wasn't coming upstairs to see more of me. wondering if i should go downstairs. wondering why. thirsting. wanting. illusive.

that perfect cool guy that plays it too cool. i'm feeling unnoticed.

then i'm talking, huggin my younger cousins. and i see outside of her long back yard a gorge. like the fierce and elegant carvings of the grand canyon.

i saw deep amber dust colored browns, and rich rust reds. at the bottom, near the soft river, i saw the most spactular, powerful red i've ever seen. i asked my aunt if it had always been like that or if this was just the first time i had seen it like this. i was pulled. i wondered out. walked right into the knee deep waters. the red. the brilliant, saturated red. the curves and poignant edges like intricate dances frozen in a moment. a sensual, fantastic, electric moment. where all is fused, understood, collided.

pulled. i keep following, uncertain of how deep the water would run, uncertain of how fast the current might pull. but the desire was bigger than the fear. the trust, the curiousity, bigger.

passing through the cheast deep river, around a bend i meet a small team of guys. they are going far. they are going to plunge. they invite me for the ride of my life. i had no idea what we were to do, but i join. i top some one person hoover boat that now skims fast across the water. i see the opague milky water beneath, i see something pop up. excitment. what is it? a mammal. a dark grey, wet mammal rising flirtatiously to the surface. hundreds of their slim bodies passing underneath, like a stream. i'm nearly scared, but also full of wonder.

we arrive. on dry land. a long flat surface. some people are preparing. in pairs. i wonder for what. then i am brought to the edge. the edge of the cliff. we are cliff jumping. you can barely see the bottom. it's terrifying. i can't see how it's possible. it's the longest plunge of life. the most supreme. i know the water beneath is sheer, clear blue. beautiful.

"the guy", the one who brings me here, walks to the edge with me, grabbing my body near. holds me dangerously at the edge. body to body, complete.

"that's where we're going."

i'm terrified. excited. the chance of a lifetime. the change of a lifetime.

he is strong. he is more than an equal. and adventurer. a leader. full. others are stretching, i help someone. this guy is on the ground, i am on top of him helping him stretch. i feel him sad that i'm leaving. we have some silent intimacy. a sexuality i know i can't have since i'm going with the other. the other is my partner in the jump.

i see two feminine asian men holding hands and then with resolve and total calmness, jumping feet first.

i ask as panic starts to rise, as my mind wants to "know" to "control" to understand, "how long are we in free fall?"

"for thirty mins."

30!

he assures, "but we will be in ____" whatever the word is when you have reached the capacity where you body justs nearly floating equally with the earth, where you don't feel the fall.

"really. it's 3 minutes."

i'm ready. he's ready. he holds my entire body. we are goign to fall embraced. i've never felt anything like this full soul embrace. my entire trust, entire being is present, fused, strong. i feel his strength, knowing, equality, presense.

and then we jumped.