2005-11-05 - 10:27 a.m.

now i'm curious about which parts you were surprised about ... do tell.

my head cold got worse. and my cold soar? crusty. adorable! simply irresistable.

i'm so very very over giving two fuck fuck fucks about how i look or attracted a male species that i'm revealing in this ms. ugly moment. i even make a crack about peeing my own pants too much in my invite to lizards thing full well knowing that it might get forwarded to my crush.
wait ineb has a crush?

sorta. just a "keeping my eye on him." he's british, you know i'm the president of the brit boy watch dog group. keeping them in line. it's a tallll order. and i am a tall woman.

but i want someone who enjoys a little self depricating piss humor. that guy from hong kong would. he liked all those parts. the rebellion, eccentric. but i could tell at a glance that he's a me. and we would fight. i can smell it about someone. he hasn't written me back. he wrote right away, then i resonded and now, nada.

i have been ever so liquad with finances. like all the sudden i think i have money and can buy massages, the hotel, lots and lots of hours for my assist, i want to buy a blackberry and i desperately need a new phone. and my computer really does play the wait wait, i'm about to crash! game daily. good times with the compute.

i want to buy things at sephora. i want to buy things at bed bath and beyond. i want want want.

last night i had the best time. instead of my old style of runnig around relentlessly, i've been calm! miracle of buddha and all his angels. i had such a nice time. we didn't make the recipe, we just made cookies and hung out. she stopped smoking, so she's having a rough one. it felt so god damn nice just to be a good friend. to be aware of her sensitivity. i made her help me make her cake which was funny. but she still doesn't know the plan for tonight. first she thought we were still goign to go see the suicide girls burlesque show. to which i told her i axed becuz i'm not into goth chic's.

i hear from my rep about the big project and whether i'm busted or not about wanting a 2nd, 3rd extension?? opps. this year i feel like i've been brought to me knees, shouting out, "mercy, mercy, i admit, i'm human!!" human at every humble turn. i feel humbled daily.

ya know what i realized... that i haven't digested, or felt excitable about some of the cool wins in my line becuz i didn't do the sales. they just brought it to me, and i'm too fucking busy to enjoy it. and then i wake up in a sheer, utter panic that those keen boutiques won't reorder. that it's a one time thing. so i had this lill' window of enjoying being in there and then it's quickly eaten by fear. so silly. but get this. i'm in some museum gift shop. how fucking odd is that? that was/is one of my dreams. to get some stuff into a modern art museum. this is some museum i hadn't heard of in nyc.

my assistants last bill for her time for two weeks was more than my rent!!! she was so sweet, she said it was a lot of hours and that i could defer and only pay the amount she needed for rent! how sweet. she even pays for her own fax service without telling me. she's the most loyal, hardworking person. i just can't stand it. it does make me worried, since she's so valueable to me, that i feel an acute pressure to afford her. thank god i don't have any other overhead like pr or an office and my rent is still cheap as i've put off my dream for the last fucking 5 years of moving across town. now that's patience. i rather have her. she's truly making my life possible. i guess i should waste time on stress. the sales are there. reorders for the holidays are coming in. more than i can produce quickly enough. i feel constantly behind. then i try and stop it all to make time for the other project.

impossible dood.

i'm blowing my nose every five minutes. i hate the imflammation. i feel like there's static and i can't exist. there is something satisfying about blowing the nose. results. instantaneous. relief.

:*)