2005-11-04 - 5:46 p.m.

hey vla. becz u asked. but u have to do my chocolate exercise then! and i'm so so avoidign work. work work work.

on desk:
1. cereal bowl
2. peppermint essential oil
3. a pix i dug up today of me in the car of my dreams before it blew up and broke my heart
4. a bunch of crayons and papers and files and lists and linesheets...waht desk, there's a desk under here?

wearing:
1. my hair in a goofy braid and then pinned back cuz when i'm stuffed up i think i'm allergic to my hair.
2. a morrocan bird gold orb necklase from my work.
3. black thing from h and m that is belted with one of my belts in a cowboy brown color strap.
4. the jeans i wear daily w/ barefeet. which you can do when you work for yourself and can't smell anything.

want right now:
1. a lot of money to fund a total electronic make over. the computer crashed, the home phone, cell phone and printer are shit. and i need a blackberry. "need." hehe.
2. love. a soft, warm, snuggly love who stays in the same room as long as i can. like a stare down.
3. to feel better.
4. to have my god damn scar disappear miraculously.

fav childhood memories:
1. jeez, i really have to search on these. playing pretend outside, nestle in a small opening in the tree's hidden from all else. that privacy, fantasy. escape.
2. having my hair played with.
3. the time i had a migrane and my mom held me.
4. going to gramma's in san diego and getting to pick out lucky charms and all my fav foods and being the center of attention and going for long walks on the beach togehter. fuck i miss gram. i'm making the crepes suzzette in her name tonight from her battered, yellowed old recipe card. god i miss. god i need her.

done today:
1. went to lunch looking like hell in fact did freeze over, with my assist. we both brought our enormous charts, calenders and dry erase boards to lunch. adorable. at least it wasn't a bunch of scripts like the other fools in this town.
2. talk to a pissed off buyer. too sick to be very nice back.
3. talk to showroom about new buyer mtgs and shipments.
4. planned lizards bday, made calls, organized files. went to staples. a thing of joy.

mag's i love
1. bust!!!
2. picture mags with photography, like colors.
3. adbusters.
4. national geo or a science mag

people i've only made out w/. no more:
1. heheh. the girl i dated in sf
2. the girl i made out with while extremelly hopped up on synthetics
3. the boy i made out with and finger wagged about pg and then he left me half wag.
4. oo that guy i brought home cuz i was trying to push away busy and he was a botanist and from somewhere excited but had stinky feet.

brushes with fame:
1. ooo you'll love this. a friend recently googled me to find my lill' picture on the cover of some arabic paper. adorable! i was protesting, what else! so now i'm the devil in several new countries.
2. i was quoted from a "press conference" i sorta gave cuz i had too and i did a horrific job to boot.
3. i had an art thing reviewed in a major paper. said it was mostly crap save for one of my pieces.
4. i see famous people in lala too much to think that is what i could consider fame. famous is the teacher i met who teaches slow children in so central...okay on second thought famous was running into the guy from less than zero.

biggest mistakes:
1. being so god damn hard on myself so relentlessly and effortlessly and religiously.
2. not letting love in, becuz i was a. too hurt, b. didn't think i was worth it.
3. not listening to my instinct.
4. not standing up for my instinct and protecting her with my life.

makeup i use most:
1. eye lash mascara
2. eye liner, i was told not to leave home w/out it.
3. um. that wraps that up. cept sometimes i use lip gloss, or maybe eye smudge to cover up late nights.
4. okay i lied, recently i've been trying to do smokey eyes. unsuccessfully.

four hair styles:
1. died for perms when i was lill.
2. "bob" the bob.
3. bangs straight up reaching fer jezuz.
4. one time i tried a version of a sort hip mullet kinda. it grew out and i'm back to long straight.

fav drinks:
1. coke with ice and cookies.
2. jack and coke
3. wine
4. latte no foam

chilhd friends:
1. jackie s. crazy fucker. we used to go down my street sitting on the skateboard! crash!
2. jody v. crazy fucker. fought for a solid year. she tortured me. but one time i made her cry really bad and i saw the streams of tears cutting like the grand canyon river through her caked on make up and i thought, just what in gods name is she trying to cover up. i found out at some point what that was. incest.
3. julia. she was great. one time on the patio we sat so quietly on the porch swing and just were. quiet. together. in one long peaceful moment.
4.trista bff until her parents took her away. they were in the maffia. go figure.

biggest heartbreaks.
1. dad. broke my heart everytime he didn't show up, came late, or not at all. broke my heart everytime he came drunk. broke my heart when i saw his new place during the divorce. it was vast with loneliness and i was terrified for him.
2. mom. broke my heart when she made it clear she didn't want me. when she made me stay at his place even tho he disappeared and came back too drunk to take me too school. the key was broken in the ignition. she was angry i ran away to him and she punished me by forcing me to stay. broke my heart when she nearly pushed me out of the car. or when i was at state competition in swimming and she hit ..slapped, me so hard i had embarrassing welts. she was more aware of the embarrassment than i at the time. i just thought, this is the way it is. i'm different. already broken. and i don't count. so who see's me anyway.
3. when they took my horse away. i pulled my ski hat down over my face so no one could know.
4. when my boyfriend left for college and i spent the day at his house following him room to room sobbing. i had to drive away and force myself not to go running back. it was the most wretching day of my life to date. he was my everything. he was the first way i felt valueable at all in this world.

things consummed today:
1. coffee
2. french onion soup
3. raisin bran
4. emergency c

things want to accomplish in next 4:
1. get better
2. clean place and car!!!!!miracle!!!
3. speak nicely to myself
4. organize work, start orders, write.

so there you are. are you surprised?