2005-11-03 - 9:40 p.m.

i have the headcold from hell.

thx v for the comment.

thx also to jumbly for the random note sent. love it. luuuvv.

my lymph nodes are swollen. after my surgery they were hellacious for a while. i should show u a pix of my scar, oh wait! why the fuck bother, it looks exactly the same. no wait. actually, sorta looks worse. fancy that!

and it just so happens i'm someone whose been vehemetly against scarfs and chocker necklases my whole life. now i go around looking like a french imposter or a flight attendant.

so i was in a piss poor mood today. to whihc i talked to lizard about...okay cried to her endlessly about. cried as she stood in various lines getting various amounts of junk food cuz she quit smoking and is in hell currently.

so.
me in hell.
bff in hell.
then i email cat in an outreach effort.
cat in hell too.

so i am making us do a program. a five minute program. we assign eachother something that will shift our shit moods that only takes five, and is something abundant, self loving or opposite action. "opposite of what," cat asked. opposite of the shit house attitude i'm in.

so i emailed her her take five for the morning.

it's a fiver gadiver. like gadiva chocolate she is to write (and actually i'm inviting you to do it to and report back. you. as in all of you. who are ridiculous enough to read me. i know who you are. even those who don't post hi hello's so often).

so write,:; if i were a chocolate (currently laughing at assignmt) what kind of chocolate would i be. rules of engagement, you have to be uber kind, generous, loving. emphasizing all the best parts. do this for four min.s then stop.

for thirty sec's take deep breaths close ur eyes, imagine yourself in candyland. choco section, playing, joyful, being a happy carefree person.
then last thirty sec's, write to me about the highlights of what kind of cool cocoa you are.

and don't ask me what kind of medication i'm on. clearly not enough :*) but at least i'm willing.

so my throat hurts and every time it does i think of the fuck off head who got me sick in nyc. that asshole wipe. i'm mostly mad at myself. at the placement of importance on him. at the projection of this illusion. expectation. girth. truth being, i didn't know him at all. all i knew was all i wanted him to be.

live and learn. i really do actually feel like i'm doing that whole biz much different. finally. took years of beggin on my knees, sober, drunk didn't matter i couldn't change. until all of the sudden, i notice that it's finally different. not perfect, clearly. but evolving. further along.

my neighbor is talking too loud. which wouldn't bother me if i didn't feel so irritated by him at the levels that i do. he's the deadbeat dad who "makes music." sells dope and has people over all hours. ask me how much he pays in rent. this is what we call, rent control.

so let's take a moment dedicated to v. hehe. i accidentally shopped in nyc cuz i needed some parts to my halloween costume. so there i am in h and m finding mad deals. 8 dollars? 8 dollars? heck yeah! i should of bought more! hate that. don't have here. are they a german store?

did i say what i was for halloween? i had a black outfit and boxing gloves. i was, "my own worse enemy."

so i was walking through,,,just realizing men have been down wiht my jewelry as of late. what is that about, men giving a fuck about jewelry? wierd. not even gay, and not enough of a window to pick up. so it just falls under wierd category.

but this guy stopped me like a heart attack in the parking lot for my necklase. i didn't say, oh no i did, i said i made it. it was flattering but also irritating. just reminding me how i can never be happy with anything. appreciate what i'm creating, doing. sit back into it. or that i can't sell enough.

as i mentioned, we didn't sell that well last show. so now i need to go do some sales.

ooo the bigger news is things are getting serious about my big project deadline. i got sorta told off today. and i'm feeling so much pressure that one of the reasons i cried to lizard was, "and the pressure is just so much it makes me want to say, fuck it, it's too much. i just want to disappear."

like, it was all just too good, why in the world did she leave. becuz it's just too much. too much pressure. or something. like i feel like i have to do it all perfectly. at least well, and i'm afraid i'll fail them. they'll hate it. i have to perform. i have to impress. i'm still, well increasingly terrified.

any suggestions chocoliteers?

so this sat night i'm taking lizard out. for her belated bday.

first of all, there was this girl who is roomates to cat and she was going to walk down to a bar alone for her 31st. and i was judging my life. sheet.

but for lizard what we are doing is first she'll come to my place, just us two and i'll teach her how to make my gram's recipe. it's the most imp thing i know. and i've made it for some of the msot loved people i've let in. guys mostly. but now that she thinks she's domestic cuz she made cookies from a tube, i'm going to blow her mind teaching her this amazing recipe. hope i don't get sad. i'm really missing gram. missing jsut having one talk. dippign back into one talk. can't believe, access denied.

all of the sudden something is so definitive.

then after her and i make stuff, others can join and i'll give them food and drink treats. but i'm not sharing the gramma recipe food. it's like one year i had a friend drive all across town for avery particular icecream cake and she asked if she should bring it to the party and i was like wtf, no, that goes in my freezer for no one but me for the next month.
so then we will blindfold lizard and take her to one of her favorite places on earth....
the arcade!!!!
then we will go to k town for kareoke.

she's into shows, considered a burlesque show, and she's into 70's horror flicks, but that'd be too mello. so we'll rip it up at kareoke. rock star.

i really want to surprise her with the friends since she thinks it's jsut us, but i don't think, holy shit, it's in a night!!! i totally forgot! shit i have to call people. head currently in ass. best intentions fufilled are for those with less of a life.

at least that's a fantastic excuse.

anyway. time to go read anais and get jelly with my big ol' belly.

:*)