2005-11-02 - 7:25 p.m.

my entry didn't post last night. bugger.

i've got the sniffles. that guy got me sick. *really* sick. emotionally. physically. spiritually, slightly.

disappointed.

i'm being luxurious tonight. and i have no idea why. i think i felt so tortured by walking, lugging through ny that i need someone to unwind my muscles.

truly, i am so hurt by this guy. it is absolutely no fucking wonder why i am so god damn closed up to begin with. it's a miracle i'm so clean and pure and open with friends. and that circle keeps getting deeper and more expanded. but with this other section, it's amputated.

and in the same sentance when i am hopeless, surrendered, i see someone new and am lit by hope, curiousity.

alas. hehehe. i just used the word alas. say it twenty times and it will loose all meaning.

just like my making sense of falling into a relationship....it has lost all meaning.

basically, i went to a thing in nyc, then met up w/ the guy and we went to a party and right when we got there he let me stand there like an ooff as he spoke to two women. then there was drama thick in the air. myself, a survivor, i promptly started talking to the incredible looking brazillian. adorable. so the guy had all this drama over this girl being given drugs. why? i wonder, why care about some random girl in a cheese ass red dress? i called it. his x. and he was consummed. walking with me, reeling over and over stuck in his head. and it was so unbelievable. that he risked our mild, clear friendship by getting horizontal when he obviously has some bullshit going on. i'm so upset. i feel so ...disregarded. unimportant. put back on that familiar shelf of "not choosen." fucking prick. I KNEW IT. i sensed something. some reservation. ladies. if you sense something. it's for a reason. i am told this, i get the back story all the time from guy fr's. it's unbelievable what's really going on as they date several in the dark women.

so i stopped the guy on the street, told him to go figure himself out, go have a drink w/ friends, that he wasn't even here w/ me and that (in my stupur) "i am a mistress to none, a princess to only some." to that he put me in a cab and i went to a thing on the LES that a friend was throwing. then i went to the bar, said you bet' make me the stiffest, tallest jack and coke known to mankind, ya hear?

sat with my new friend jack and drank alone as i stared up at the dancing happy people and the ceiling pondering the twisted waves of life. until i got teamed by two guys. the samwiched me and asked what was up w/ the wall flower.

i like on eof them. he's tall and from what i remember, very cute and is a member of mensa. which i don't believe. when i was writting my info for them, i remember that i could barely write. god love that. would love to see what that paper looked like. what in the world did i fill their ears with for so many hours. and why the fuck did they care. i think they must of been playing a game to see who could score or something. i smelled a tad bit of territorial competition. and why bother with the sad flower?

hmmm.

the sad flower.

signing off.