2005-10-31 - 8:15 a.m.

hi, things are much better. wanted to post just to get rid of that last long exercise in insanity.

been having a rich time since.

so much to say. but i rather just shut up and do.

did anyone get that reference?
hehe.
wedding. okay. met someone who lives in hong kong. wants me to swing by for a long weekend.

and you thought i learned my lesson with ben in london.

and you thought i learned my lesson with the terrorizing jetlag and darkness i dipped into after getting back recently.

also i had a situation with a friend here. soemone i was absolutely never attracted to. but then all the sudden we were kissing and it was off th e charts. it's purely a chemistry and respect thing. that i have for him. becuz i'm not wildly attracted in the normal way. but i have been pulling all my usual punches. defenses. we ended up laying down together.
haaha. fav new way for description. this was after both of us had decided it would be entirely inappropriate for us to lay down together. i did my new pg finger waggin. but then after a bike ride along the hudson we went back for tea. and . well. anyway.

i felt drowned in my typical guilt. drowned. i talked to him about it. that it just wasn't good timing. i like to either have a fling (which i dont' like anymoree anyway) or i want to know the person more. and we know eachother slightly becuz of our friendship and he's in la a lot. but...i wanted to take it even further. the respect for myself. okay i did am doing better now than ever.

these germans next to me are being so god damn loud i can barely think. they've already been asked to simmer down by the nice lady. jezuz. and they call american's loud. how dare.

anyway. but i feel guilty that i didn't treat myself impeccably. that i didn't make him earn it more. i always feel like in that rush of passion, impulse, i toss myself aside for the intensity of the moment. and inevitably the brevity of the moment.

becuz it always passes like a whip and i feel left lashed.

lashed. and caved into myself with predictable disappointment.

i talked to him about it a bit. which helped. he was sweet. nuzzling in. but then right after, in the pit of my dark feeling i jumped up as he took his shower and threw my clothes on, spoke with a friend to meet up immediately for dinner. extricating myself. i had already left, so this was just respecting the physicality of it. i guess i just didn't want to stay to see what would happen next. i didn't want to stay and get close. build expectations, softness, comfort that i'd have to extricate myself from anyway.
k i told the germans off. hehe. serioiusly. they were already asked and immediately after they are shouting on and their computer phone on speaker...we're at a silent little bookstore coffee house with locals working and concentrating. fuck all.

so i left becuz i also didn't want to wait to see if things would change. didn't want to wait for disappointment. wait to wait for what? so i ran off. we might of stayed together all night, out to eat, nuzzling. i went with a friend who lives here and works in resteraunts and everywhere we go we get treated gangsta'. desserts are brought out, sevichy, drinks are poured endlessly. i have a great time with her and i always, always end up wanting to move here. i am a split. always wanting to be in two places at once. two groups. two kinds. split. can't join. so i have to be slightly bi coastal. it's a dream for a while.

could they be any ruder? truly.

today i'm going to check out some stores i'm in. how wierd. i have that ridiculous mtg i was worried about. ..
and i'm running around w/ the gangsta friend. goign to some costume thing later. no plans on seeing the boy. aaa. like the slow amber drip of honey on my heart, one sweet taste of what love feels like, only to be left thirsty, never satiated.

i am either out in the world too independent...but when i do collapse the damn, a flood comes. a flood of touch and sensuality and tenderness and emotion and love that it can drown me. i feel embarrassed to drown another. it's like what anais talks about. how she felt for henry. this drowning. engulfing. and how she ran around with others only to protect herself from this. and how much she loved the way rank loved in the same way. whenever i am near the waters that drown, i start to fill with terror. afraid. so incredibly afraid of opening up becuz i know what waits behind the damn.

the first night when we kissed, then slow danced. when he fell asleep i ran into his elevator and did a whispered confession to busy's voice mail. he's one of the few that understands the dance of the damn. the run. the panic. the illusion. the protection.

anyway. i guess. that as long as i stay home, in my skin, rooted. quiet enough, i might hear some lesson, something that will help me past my illusions.

i hope you are well.