2005-10-28 - 12:47 p.m.

omg hello.

i need to check in. bad. ground. i feel like i'm without utter, drifting away. slightly lonely.

electro said that when he met me he wanted to date me but i gave him the busy brush. i felt like he never really asked. but he said that i gave the absolute air of constant busy social maybe i can fit you no too busy then as well. type of thing. i know a lot of people. on both coasts. on some continents. but sometimes i still feel like i'm drifting all alone.

drifting.

here. skimming across the waters of this planet, wondering why?

i'm just feeling wierd. i flew in last night. ran into someone on the flight. took the train together (into manhattan). dropped my bags, met up with wedding party and family at a very cool bar. i walked in and thought no jezuz chrispy, where are all the boys that look like this on my coast. adorable, but with more. anyone to hot in lala is usually an actor model waiter. so i don't even give a second glance. but here i'm sure they have real lives and jobs or something vaguely similar. when i was walking around i had this feeling that i know i'd feel wooed once again by the differences of this city, but i also felt for a first time a reall settled feeling of knowing. knowing of the eccelectic love i have for my sunny city. for all it's madness and division and exclusion and introspection and extroverts and sheer, surface level insanity. for the pockets of the city that are hearty, real, colorful fusions of many types of people. for the constant motion and warmpth and easiness. for the roots i've grown. the deep roots.

but i go to these silly adorable places in the west village or anywhere really and it's more european and small and classy. less brazen nuevo derma-leveled living. i suppose. walking around at first i started to really wonder what part of town you live in g. i guessed brooklyn?

i was feeling a bit thirsty. i couldn't end the night after two slices and a virgin soda. i convinced a local friend who is virtually insane to go for a drink. he is american psycho. he nearly has the face, the preppiness, the suit, the going to st barts type of gig. he likes going to hipster scenes that are upscale, even tho he's always out of place in his preppy suit vibe. but he's always at everywhere, wondering where else he can also be. we went to this one place and he ran into a crush. some 'heiress'. haha. seriously now. i'm sorta over the whole, i look fabulous and don't have to lift a finger or work a day sort of thing. i feel like all i do is break my blue collar back to create something off the droplets of my falling sweat. i feel like i'm getting older and somehow, sometimes, less confident. less full throttle. cautious?

it's amazing. my friend, that girl i mentioned from fashion week. she's older even so. much. two kids. and she rocks it like stand back. and people respond. and yes she's thin and fantastic etc, but it's more. it's the confidence. this unstoppable, unquestioning confidence that i don't feel like i have. i feel like i'm mostly in my skin. but i'm too nice and maleable. too wavering or uncertain. easily amused. laughing when i'm uncomfortable. makign small talk. not always. when i'm comfortable with a smaller group, i can totally own it. far beyond her. with words that stamp the ears of those who listen. she doesn't have the skill of thoughtful conversation. just balls out confidence. belief. i'm jealous. i feel like i can't totally find my mojo. where'd it go. wait i don't think it went somewhere, i just think more and more i've been entering senarios that are new, expanded, different that have challenged what humble amount of confidence i've ever had.

v, when you say things about doin things i'm passionate about, maybe that it seems neet from the outside, i just feel so mystified. lost in translation. like people are seeing a world, they are seeing outside the snow globe i'm in. cuz i don't see it. i don't feel it. it nearly hurts. i'm too embroiled in the overwhelming heat of it to feel what the warmpth of the sun feels like. well. this week has been particularly shaking of my confidence with "career."

the show sold like shit, as i said. the big major sale has not only not gone thro yet, they cut the pricepoint in half, so my profits went from shattering to yeah whatever. and then i'm here having a case of "everyone else's life is more fabulous" and then i have a mtg about that long project i've been on. the art one, longterm that has the looming deadline. so i met with the person who will go over it, the person i deliver to and she looked over a samplign of what i turned in and it didn't go well. and if i was somewhere safe...i'd be crying right now.

but i'm in a cafe, in the heart of it.

she said the most fatal words to me...fatal to someone so sensitive. painful. she said that the thing i gave them to make the sale (it's already sold i just have to deliver), she asked if i spent a lot of time on it. becuz it was so tight. (becuz what i recently turned in wasn't.) she was fishing along to see what happened. and i felt like she was absolutely saying, what the hell happened and how are you the same person that wrote what you did to sell what you did. like i'm being discovered for the farse that i feel like i am. like, how many people were on this one you showed us up front to make it right?? like she was paniced. kept saying i need to stick to my original plan and do it like the original example of work. i felt like i had been found out. i felt like such an imposter. of course i had worked, did the original entirely. that's me, so i shouldn't worry. it's in me, but we did have a lot of people after me to clean it up. but i told her that. that i'm good at these parts and that i need someone to clean things up for me. it's not my strength. clearly. cuz she just didn't like what i gave her. and now, once again, i'm paniced about giving her a great piece on deadline. i feel like crying. we may need more time. we may need to push the entire finish date which effects a lot more down the line. it wouldn't fare well. course it would fare worse if i gave her something shitty. the late date would all but be forgotten if i give something that just is fantastic. makes them forget how we got there. she wants to look at stuff as we go. becuz she's unsure of me. or cuz it's my first. cuz she realizes i'm going to need work.

i'm supposed to be working on that right now. i'm feeling like i've put too much pressure on me. whats more, my head just isn't in a great space. i really do feel like everyone else has everything more figured out. more settled. better income, more fabulous everything.

like i don't want to miss out. so i'm calling all of my nyc friends with this feeling inside. this urgency. this wanting to be out constantly everywhere to feel like i'm enough. loved enough, social enough, in the right places enough. that must sound crazy in the coco. but really. i have to unload here. i get scared of feeling dark like this. i feel like i'm glancing over a cliff and desperately don't want to fall. it's the cliff of hopelessness, darkness.

then i stop wanting to show up to things. and if i go, i go under some guise of hiding. like i'm barely there, just smiling or saying enough to slip on by. till i can go back into hiding, sheltered. safe. mostly work things. appointments where life feels too real. where my invisibility doesn't work. that's where i hate to go in that space. terrified. and i have another mtg on monday here. and it's one of those things. i feel like it's tradgic, so on top of slight greyness, now i'm judging it...that it's fucking shit that i'm not enthusiastic and hapyp about all i'm doing. the project on monday is extremely cool. it's the design one for charity with people who are full on. can take it very far, and again, i can't help feeling like crawling out of my skin with the wonder, "why the fuck have i been allowed here! let's make it easy on all of us and get me out!" slinking out between the ropes of the ring. sidestepping backwards out of the room.

my t said it's enough. when i had that headcold last entry. she said enough. its not time to be sick or too hide. you go and show up for all that you've worked so hard for.

fucking asshole. i feel like an oyster ripped from her clenched shell.

and ya know what, either my health is incincible or it was in my head. cuz i was better by the next night. and i'm sorta showing, no i am showing up, but i'm doing it terrified. i'm sad that i can't enjoy all this. between you and i, it's , it *would* be enough to want to leave. that acute sensation i get when others reflect back what i just can not see and just can not feel. it hurts too much. why. it seems like such a waste of energy. i just have this incredible myth that it will all go away and i will be disasterous if i let any good in. like i need to stay alert and no one will get hurt. stay tense so i can drop when the next bomb falls. i can't relax into it and appreciate what i'm doing. cuz i'm always too afraid about me not being enough, afraid about the cash flow, about the "what if's". which i know isn't going to get me anywhere. i watch these balls out people and they just present such a front. such confidence. i'm having a probelme of confidence.

that's why people are always attracted to the bad boy. the one thats not good for them. who would want the nice guy who wants them? who wants to belong to a club that would let someone like me be a member? why are these people letting me play with them? don't they know, i'm defective? broken home. cracked. and then the few i buy that they like me as is, the ones that really see me, i can't help but wonder whats wrong with them. ridiculous huh. embarrassing. i wish there was some formula, or that it was as easy as some decision you make once and that's it! i feel like some days i do make the decision. but then the feelings of my past slide on back and i'm enveloped again. again in that exacting, distinct feeling i had as a little girl. it ate me alive. i believed in nothing else.

it's only when everything is really good that i feel good. enough. only when sales are great and things are expansive and i have things to say, stuff to say that is going well at a dinner party so i can join in. other than that, i feel sometimes, as if i'm just wading in water to stay at the surface and gasp at the air.

maudlin...i should of warned you. :*)

but do you love me still?

jezz i have to go. i've totally missed the boat on this whole dress up thing. for the rehersal dinner we are doing a dress up thing. costume party.

guess what i am!!!v....guess...

guess....

anais nin!
hehe. very obscure. i want to slip away into the background easily. this will do. but i need a cape. a black lace cape. anyway. i've got to get across town with my 800 pound computer pack and then get ready and deal with the mother of all mothers, my mom. she's been a bit challenging. consuming. i need to maintain my space and breath and individuality. and take a stance on what is mine and not hers to tamper with or tell what to do. or subtly guilt into. i feel the pull of the umbilical all the way across town. she is so consumming. so demanding, half the time i feel so suffocated. like my shoulders lower in and i'm at her side while she puts on her loud pony show. and now that i'm doing it differently, i feel guilty for not catering to her. like i feel like she thinks i'm leaving her. or that i don't want to be around her. ahhhh. it's all such a brief moment that we are here.

i read the gerth and richness of ms nin. i know her so well through her work, i know her as if it was a friend, like you, who i touch in with. know, and yet her moment has passed. as concrete as she feels, she is gone. and only the record she kept, left. i don't understand how i can grasp something so tangibly that is gone. and it makes me think, if she felt so permanent, then what is the span of my existance? how brief will it pass?

and why the god damn hell am i wasting so much time in pain and instead of light and compassion and connection?

we are all so human aren't we? in our own like snow globes living out the shaking of our lives.