2005-10-25 - 12:32 a.m.

i feel like i'm sneaking away to write. sneaking away from my insane boss that wants me to work every waking moment.

fat eddy (cat) is snoring so loudly that i actually had to turn up my music. she's...unique.

i'm incredibly miffed, as the day progressed i seemed to loss my hearing. i feel like someone is cupping my ears with glasses. everything is hollow and under water and i can't pressurize. i can't hear well, except for the grandpa snoring. and it hurts. and the worst of it is the mystery. not knowing what exactly it is. if it's a headcold or an ear infection. and guess what body, i don't have time for either.

so i started my primitive sketches.

ooo btw, at this tradeshow...we sold like shit. lowest yet!! wtf. but the big order is still in the oven, so i'm not so worried. i would be able to pay med bills and my girls wage for the year on that. good god blistering no way!

grrrrr! can't hear...ears..ouch pressure..won't pop...

i've been so excited for nyc and now i just can't IMAGINE getting on a fucking plane in this state. i cant' imagine leaving home, packing, cabbing, having energy, staying in strange places. maybe i should come home early. i'm feeling scared to be away. like when too much is going on i feel like ossilating in the vicinity. drop and roll. stay to the ground. scared to be uprooted. i'm not young enough for dislocation anymore. i want a nice hotel (don't have), my own space (dreaming)..and i'm not sure which coast i want to be on for halloween.

so i have nothing new to report, except that i need to sketch more and i'm very behind on the big other project. i think i'm a bit, um, whats it called, paralyzed. slightly. which is aided easily by having no time to work thro it or even give it a try.

my assist still blows my mind. i don't know what i'd do w/out her. its a miracle. it's truely a miracle.

here's the odd part about being an entreprenuer...if i were on a salary i'd know exactly how much i can spend for nyc. but since it's all borrowing from the bank to pay the plastic to wait for the receivable, to use the receivable to produce the increase in orders...i never know how hard i can play. i'm pretty conservative. although yes, i have allowed myself some luxury...my three biggest: every other wk i have therapy and cleaning lady. and sometimes i get massage, or trade for it. but its rare that i shop. if i do, it's sample sales or vintage. oh and i spend a lot on eating out. but that's a requisite of living in LA. that's what we do. we aren't expected to feed ourselves. but on something like this trip, i have the money for a nicer hotel, but i shouldn't spend money for my biz on that. dood, i don't know. i need to make more money. all of the sudden with this big order the bells are going off in my head about how to score more of these lovely lovelies. i'm obsessed now with it. that and expanding into japan and europe.

enough already. jezuz i'm so borred with myself and my never ending talk about the same god damn thing. and then yes, we get up and do it all again the next. that's what feels exhausting to me, it just feels like one long continuous work day.

btw, vla, when the lady at sephora asked if i wanted undereye crap that i had to paint on with a brush i broke out in laughter. i can't be handed anything that can't be applied while going ninty on the ten freeway in the pitch dark. my fav is the hauschka (sp?) face wash that smells like rotten apricots. i love it. it smells like i want to eat it. i know. i know. yes. odd. but i also found my coat smelling very nice from the stella rose perfume. also like hane mari. vanilla yum.

o, btw, can we pls make a blue ribbon award for my new calm as fuck phase? or fuckless for once?
hehehe. only cuz we're all so close can i say that!

really tho, when was the last adventure in boyland? i can't even remember. no 23 yr olds, no ex's, no friends w/ benefits.. goodness. the last one that i carted around got a finger wagged at him (while i was piss drunk none the less) about being PG. and then he left. hehe. amazing. amazing. wondered my whole life how to pull that off and now, out of no where, it seems the easiest thing in the world. finally seems like a choice.

i wish you could hear this cat. it's incredible. is there anything i should take for me ears? head cold? whatever it is? do you think it's fatal?