2005-10-23 - 5:58 p.m.

it's a two entry day.
which is frightening considering it is a sunday.

i'm terrified man! somebodies got to help me. calm me. if i had xanax i'd probably take her. maybe i should meditate? kava kava? i ate and read and grocery shopped and ate and read you guys and have been avoiding my work not becuz i dread it, i love it. but i'm terrified. intimidated. it feels so big to start. like, the unknown of it is eating me alive. like the fear that i can't do it. won't have the skill. terrified! i just don't even want to start. i know i'm in the fussiest of fussies becuz suddenly i don't want to work at my place. and i know if i go to the coffee house i'll get irritated and waste time then be irritated that i wasted time. totally freeeked. it's just bigger than i think i can do. i guess i just have to start. but after eating too much to try and chill, to take a little break....then after all that food and anxiety and buldging almost ready to cry feeling, i feel like throwing up nearly. not really. but for a moment there. and now i feel like drinking. easying up. maybe i should try meditation.

it's not bright enough in my room. the desk is too busy. messy. i have no room.

okay. see now you get the point. but now i'm feeling like i just keep waisting time. what isss my ish?

breath. coffee? okya here's the plan:

five min's of meditation.
kava kava.
koffee koffee.
focus for an hour till my girl who makes the jewelry gets here and wants to talk my fucking balls off. arggg! i jsut don't want to deal. just for one day!

then i might go to friends to watch a movie and do the sketches. maybe i shouldn't. can't decide. hate not being able to decide. :*0