2005-10-23 - 12:16 p.m.

holy good god. so that big order is still in the fire. they are a very big company that plays ball. hard.

and i'm a very little company that plays ball. hard.

so we are dancing around about our discount off for such a large quantity. i still stand to profit anywhere from 42,000 to 30 green things.

reeeediculous lucy!

i dreampt of my grandma. i dreampt of her on a boogie board or surf board and i was pushing her thro, past some huge waves that would slaughter us. panic. then we were to the shore and i pushed her into the white wash wave which is the fun, easy one to boogie. go gram go. go gram. god damn. damn.
a little sad gram, gram the bigggest fan i've ever had isn't here to see all this. what! she! would! say! it kills me. she'd be the first, first i'd call to tell. anything. ever. and this. would be one hell of a call to make.

this is such a huge risk. i stand to loose 44,000. what if i made all the merch and they returned it or there was some defect in the dye we are using or the finishing spray. lethal man. it makes me panic, slightly. i am quite sure that i wouldn't breath until weeks after a safe delivery. until after payment. until after sell through.

but this is also the type of risk that i sadistically like. if i go down, i want to go down in flames. burning. bright.

i want to go knowing i did everything. so if i burn cuz of a risk, then i burn right. i would regret more so sitting something like this out.

crazzzy.

and today, i've got a lot to do. i've got some sketches for a special project...sketches. me sketch. absurd. never a touch of art school. fashion school. not a day. i had electro, the architect friend give me a five min lesson on drafting/sketching final inking... yar. and i will present this to a wonderful hard core woman and the president of one of the oldest companies in france. is that just insane? insane. insane. just insane. i haven't even told many. no time to. and why?

i hide the best of it in the folds of my coat. so that no one can take it away. i'm too sensitive to words. knives. i already don't buy it. don't think i should have any of this, so if soemone close to me gives me a healthy reason to not have it, even inadvertently, than poof. i'll destroy it. so quietly i move through the room, tip toes so that no one notices. let's just see how far i can get.

and i have a deliverable on that large project i went away to work on. i'm very delinquent on that toooooo. yarrrr!!!!! thank jezuz i like and trust my assist. man, i am paying out the nose to keep her at these hours. and i don't care. once again, i'm eating it and accepting that i can do massage to make it up. to front the flow. it's funny, i'm running a new biz, have an assistant and am still doing massage. i was wondering yesterday at what point will i give it up entirely. i might even financially be ready now, but fear keeps me in. staying low to the ground.

so i have to work on the sketches and the delivery of the other thing.

thank god yesterday i took a for reals day off. i'll need it. desperately.

i had the best day of my life. so damn happy to play at normal for just a day. i consummed! i shopped! i did mostly normal things! i took back two books and got two cd's. i cruised the ailse's of sephora racking up mad amounts of samples. thank god they have different people in diff sections. key. i also bought makeup to do "smokey eyes." i showed my friend, "look look, i have smokey eyes,"

"i didn't even know you had make up on!!"

nice. i guess doing smokey eyes while driving, late at night isn't ideal. i also bought my halloween outfit. then i came home and took a bath with my book and favorite soup!

if heaven were here on earth, yesterday i dipped my big toe in and let it tickle my nose.

i'm a bit choked up right now. what. how. i just can't slow long enough to believe this. about the sale. about how real this all suddenly is. what am i going to do? i'll have to get another loan within a day. i'll have to get these boys to front me net 30. i'll have to move miracles and remember oxygen is our friend. but how? how? how could my biggest dreams possibly come true? i don't even exist. how can i end up with my very own office i get to decorate with the name of my company written somewhere cool and my assist and i having fun and making greenery. how? that seems so far off, i feel jinxy even discussing. scared. ever since i was little, my greatest dreams possible was this. i wasn't one to ever wonder about a white wedding or a prince charming. i wanted to be a provider. to have a business. always. always. it's all i thought of. it's all i've ever listened for. i was laying in bed last night. i had this wierd feeling. i had run into that x that threatened to travel me for a weekend, not busy, a diff x. the alcoholic. not like busy isn't as well, but anyway. and he's not healthy for me, but god do i love to travel. and i had this great feeling that i wouldn't have to wait for someone else to take me anywhere, that someday i might be able to do it for myself. on my terms. with the poolboy. :*)