2005-10-17 - 1:45 a.m.

just skip this one. this one is for me. solemente.

i am so hurting. hurtfully tired. aching. which is amusing, because if i was "out" i wouldn't feel so wreched. but since i'm at home, in the silence of the night, with the music, a beer and my work, i am tired to the point of tears. i'm laying down taking five.

take five!

i missed a really good night tonight, some fun things going on that would of been great networking opp's, but i'm in, i'm working away my life.

i really like the new work tho. i showed it to my super hipster friend and she loves several pieces. walked out with two that i have to remake now. she'll be on set tomorrow so i want her drapped. she does hair for some people that would be very good to have my work.

i wonder when, if ever, this will turn into real dime. it's paying rent mostly. it's gratifying as all. but when is it *that* real? the real where i can put a down payment on a loft? the real that i can travel on. that kind of real. this is all just play otherwise. play and excruciatingly hard work. my assist worked all weekend as well.

ooo shitt. i don't know how i'll finish. and i don't have an all nighter in me. i just have promised myself, as my one internal goal this go round, to stay grounded and balanced. not spin off into mania. so far so good, but i feel like it will never get done. thank jezuz and his pals that i have the assist. at least i know i can finish the work mostly tonight, scan it, and have her start working on it on the computer as i finish the rest. then we can get together and tag..and i need to solder. c i told you so, this one's for me. a thought collection unit.

hmmmm. on my walk this other morning i stopped at a parade of plump, sage green leaves, rounded, full bodied with a slight fuzz at its skin. each droplet was delicately ensconsed with a drop of morning water. they looked like dozens of tear drops suspended in motion, reflecting the light some call god. the early hues and bursts.

i wish someone could give me something to keep me going tonight. jsut finish strong. a hug. a jolt. i know i am trying not to overpush, but i also, well, i'm committed. i'm half way there and i feel like i just need a bit to run the last few miles. this is amazing that i'm not noticeably manic. not feeling that craziness.

lizard and her b are going to costa rica. i'm scared. to loose her. i don't like long trips. tonight we talked about how she's just learning to cook. i'm going to pass down to her the two most special recipes. one from the first job in a tea room i had at fourteen, and the other from my grandma. it's the recipe. my favorite dish on earth from one of my favorite women. i've only made it for men that i've been in love with. i want to pass it onto her. for her bday. she continues to be one of the most important, sweet parts of my life. for that, in the car, on the way to her nutty peruvian italian families house tonight i teared up. with gratitude. that i have this. this which was even beyond what i could of dreampt for in a bff. it's all i've ever asked for. i've always wanted just one person that stood prowdly in that spot of the best friend. childish but i give. other friends always claimed everyone as equal. fuck that. i want my dog. it's been really nice, tender and riotous to see us grow and change and fight and resolve and love. that's the most rich asnd painful parts about loving, there is now a lot to loose if i were to loose her. there are a very few people that if i lost them the damage would truely be irreparable.

lizard, mom, dad, brother.

so i get really uncomfortable when they go out of town. as if i'm to talk. and i worry about their health, again, i'm in *some( position.

i'm so excited to go to nyc. i can barely keep my pants on about it. can't freeegin wait. my friend actually found a loft for me to stay in. seriously incredible. and now incredibly on budget. my flight is free from miles...

:*)i have so much work to do. lawd almightly. it's got to get easier than this. but here's an adendum. for the most part, i've got great tunes on, fat cat by my side, zening out, creating things. creating. playing with colors and spacial relations. what the hell am i complaining about.

ever?

hope u r well. wish me luck. i really really really want to do my number of sales that i'm ever so slightly obsessed with :*()