2005-10-16 - 1:34 a.m.

hi.

did i stay or did i go now?

i came home. hold your blue ribbons, it was more by default than direction.

busy came with his long time friend who is in town from sf. a gay man. cat's brother and i had a conversation and length with too many inside jokes unraveling through out the night about whether or not busy is gay. many have questioned. he's touchy feely with everyone. terribly comfortable with humans. with men, loving, with women, love them too. such a gregarious in charge human. i noticed at dinner how each person at the entire table was turned slightly in towards him. his personality is shining.

i noticed like a whip lash in under two seconds from hello that his friend was social tooting the night away. i was the first to see the compulsive, repetitive flower arranging, matched with that quick, erruptive sniffing. the drip.

but i didn't feel it from busy. i couldn't. i just didn't want to.

i love him too much.

i've heard that he dabbles, but have never seen it. granted, have seen many other forms of substance juggling with him, but not that. hate that. it's divisive. the friend just continued to go to that special wide eyed, high strung place and then i saw it. i saw the signs ever so slowly unveil themselves in busy. he must have an amazing constitution to with hold it to that degree.

it just broke my heart. like something in me...some private, naive place refused to believe in anything beyond my illusion of him. i watched him talk at dinner. seeing the whole thing unfold. knowing exactly what it was. not another soul noticed until i mentioned to cat's brother. a daughter of an alcoholic has a keen sense for these things. trained in watching acute details to get the tip off. the hints so i could know what might be next.

i was watching him, filled with adoration and respect, sheer love, mystified by how much i love him. past all these blatant details. past the fact that others call him chubby or not as attractive as who i might normally be with. past the pills. past the dozens of ladies he keeps on the lamb. past the unannounced leaving episodes....leaving town. leaving emotionally. leaving. past the cocaine. all i could see was how much i loved him. how consumming it is.

and how incomprehensible that is. i sat wondering why. was it soemthing in him? or was it soemthing more. could it *really* just be that he's "unavailable." is that really all it can be? safe? safe! as if loving him is anything, anything but safe for my heart. but safe. safe in a very different way.

it's really perplexing to me. i'm sitting here in confusion. confusion over the strength of my conviction and feelings despite the thick layered walls. he's the type of person that makes you feel good. important. loved. special. full.

he can touch you and you feel redeemed. invited into some secret, loyal community.

communion.

i see it in the eyes of everyone he touches. he is surrounded by admirers. surrounded by worshipers.

aaaa busy. my busy. my baby. my boo.

i think of some of the nights on our trip. some of the most intimate moments i've experienced in many years. most intimate with the opposite sex. the night he was fevering and everything within me melted and all i could do was care for him. we were both wide open, unobscured. fused.

fused.

caresses. gentleness. secrets. laughter. love. we had the doctors come in the pouring rain. a female doctor and a nurse. i remember walking them out of the complex barefoot, paying them cash. the feel of the rain. the water on my feet. the love in my body. the endlessness of the moment.

if i only knew how much later on i would want to be stuck in that moment.

will i have that? will i let myself?

then when we were in hong kong. and when we just played. and when he layed his head in my lap for a nap. and when we karate fought in jest and laughed and played like siblings. like i always had with my brother growing up. then that morning when we made love and it flooded me.

i drowned.

when i see him like this it is a similar feeling when my world would crash down when i'd find out something scarey with my big brother when i was growing up. when i'd turn the corner in our high school and see him in the midst of a fist fight.

crushing. helplessness.

i love him.

why? why though? why? is it the man or how far the man is from here? here. nightly, normalicy.

i have never met someone so generous and so big. big hearted. intelligent. adventurous. full.

i let him leave before me. i let him sasy goodbye in front of others so that it couldn't contain more than what would be bookended. he called after that. i called back and his phone was off. towards the end of dinner he was playing text tag with someone. a woman. a dealer. i don't know. an opportunity.

i wanted a few more ounces of what i felt, experienced so intimately, so privately, so exclusively in thailand. that one night at dinner. our long talk. the realness. humanness. i know he loves me. i know he respects me. i know part of him thinks he should be with me. i know every other part of him is scattered fragments that may take a lifetime to fuse together and a lifetime i don't have.

the girl has stayed another night. it's pressing my last nerve in a terrible way. i feel guilty. i just need this to tiddy up so i can get dirty with work. i don't want to end up pulling all night and then some's. i can't endure it. tomorrow will most likely put me under. such a full day and lizard's family is having a bday bbq for her that is absolutely non negotiable, but every moment will be unbearable thinking of how much work i have to do. on monday my friend is doing hair on a shoot and she's working with one of the most respected, old school uber model in the biz and she's scheming on how to get my stuff to her in a subtle way. so i'm a bit intimidated and freeked about that. and i had to deliver a bunch of stuff for a show. and then on monday i've got to deliver the whole kit and kaboodle and i jsut don't know how i'll do it. and my god damn shit wad neighbor is blasting music again. at two a.m. i need to get a more private, quiet place to nap at. :*)