2005-10-15 - 12:50 p.m.

hmmm. my mojo is slightly off.

i had an incredible night. but this girl is staying with me and it's crunching my numbers.

i have a one bedroom that, as you know so well, acts as an office, a napping zone, an inventory staging area, a shipping space and a collaboration joint...so you feel the presence of someone's 5 piece luggage, and entire musical equipment get up in your work room. i offered via my aunt to house this touring musician, she *just* had met. now i'm a little, nearly, almost getting resentful at said aunt for being such a fuckin hippy. i can see her all over this musician. the assumption, the taking over, that hippy, everyone owes me a life, a flower and your food type of ideal.

now here's the clutch. i am the hippy. i'm the urban, cowgirl real deal hippy, that doesn't just spread word, i spread action based on belief. i'm just a bit put off cuz i made it entirely clear that if she were to come, that she needs to understand its during thE BIGGEST DEADLINE CRUNCH KNOWN TO MYKIND. not just this month, this week, THIS VERY WEEKEND, TWO DAYS, ALL DUE ON MONDAY. welcome to my home office. will you be staying a while?

every two minutes she is demanding a password to log onto my wireless, then onto my personal computer...then she offered to sit me down and tell me alll about her travels from the last four mo's. okay, great. i don't even have time to hear how lizards day is, but why don't you steal my ear while i'm trying to work? yar. i know. and what scratches truely hard beneath the surface is my sense of tightness about it. like i'm not generous enough. or nice enough. but it's that very delicate line between giving and laying down for someone then feeling pissed off later. i am being open, but with boundaries, but that always, this just feels slightly offing my mojo. cuz i don't really really get on with her to boot. so i'm slightly awkward negotiating her needs and stuff in my space while i'm needing to do nothing
NOTHING
but plow through work and then show up for *my two bff's* bdays also falling right smack dab delicious on deadline weekend.

is that...am i being mean spirited? i know, i've traveled, i know how it feels, out of control, needing respite. needing home base, grounding, generousity. kindness. yar. even worse that i know that acute sensation. but she leaves her towel balled up on my belts. work belts. that is. i just really really do want her to continue on her wacky world tour today and not stay tonight. this morning i woke up on fire, ready to work and couldn't. well, could of, but didn't as i know she needed sleep and she's sleeping amidst my work space. in it. so i went to the gym and btw, i just got a massage.

i had accidentally booked it last week.

the massuese unleashed holy-hell on my back. i'm sure it's good for my balled up muscles. but i told her she could work around the scar, as it's good for the 4 inch internal scaring, but not on it. which i guess she didn't hear. the minute hands lightly glazed around it i had a flood of feeling. emotion. that terribly sensitive sensation of invasion. but also of trust. to let someone in. there. a stranger. it wasn't my goodfriend who works on me, where it's a total womblike experience. a revolution. a release. a comfort. profound.

this felt instantaneously erruptive. a collision. and then i started to brace up as she really started touching it. after she left my body curled slightly inward and tears streamed down.

i can't easily explain moments like these.

they feel slightly beyond me. physically enduced. like my body knows more now then my soul, and she's leading it emotionally a bit now. before my body was pure function of my wild spirit, untameable adventure. now, all the vunerability i've felt ferociously gaurded within, is worn, easily, accesssably at the base of my throat where sensuality meets expression.

wow. i really don,'t want to have sadness today. it isn't in the schedule to be sad.

that's why i needed to write. to land a little. and let these unreasonable tears fall somewhere because they are gently rolling out. insisting.

hmmm, let's distract shall we? maybe i can just blatantly be talked out of feeling by diversion. last night i told my assist to a fashion show. it was a big event. not one of the biggest, but very blown out with corporate sponsorship, so it was in a huge space. it was nice being out with her. a little tenuous. as i ran into that terrible guy i used be friends with who manipulated me ALL OVER THE MAP and back who then said in earshot, let's interview your models and give them a test run, us three. what? dood. have some class you wad. my guy friend and lizard came to then we all went to eat after. assist is working for time and a half for me today. i'm having her work for cat as her bday gift. a free assistant for four hours. then i got her a sue chef helper for tonight so she could throw the dinner party of her dreams for her bday. that's exactly what she wanted. and you don't mess with a type a about what they want. she's just like me. tonight i'll see busy. he's one of her bff's. so that should be a real adorable encounter. we have such an odd affair...er...friendship....er...we need a unique new name for it. there's that part of me that wants to dress to kill, but then i also don't want any power over me, don't want to invest, care, so then i want to go comfortable. go in whatever i'd go in if he wasn't coming. then there's the issue of late night. he lives up the street. i live across town. there will be wine, there might not want to be inebriates who want to drive back home.

but ms. inny really, really needs to march her sticks straight home after, get a good night sleep and then wake up very early and work every inch of the day away. in fact, what i "should" do is behave myself and barely drink whats-so-ever and then come home and actually start a bit of work tonight as well. how lonely and borring. but creative and a barrel of feel good.

so what'll it be friends?
should i stay or should i go now?
if i stay there will be absolute trouble, and if i go there won't be double. i *want* to go to busy's and stay and see that amazing gimpy cat and snuggle and get breeky in the morning. i want to just roll around in that *one more night*. that's all. really. but what is really good for me, is to feel like i've given my bizness, my deadline everything. really like i did all i could and feel great about it. that extra mile. it's when i've ran that extra mile that i'm able to let go of the results, becuz i know i did allll i could. put forth the very best. if i know i could of done more, or fucked up some chance time i had, then comes the punishing juggernaught ready to pummell me for very bad behavior.

so there it is. a map of my moment.

now you know the folds of it all just as it is at 1.21 on saturday.

will she stay?
is she ready to go now?