2005-10-20 - 10:23 p.m.

i'm feeling very fussy right now.

being a bit of a youngest child. i've been missing out on all of the fashion week events becuz i've been working like mad. and i'm feeling irritated with it. my friend who would normally cart me to most of them gave up on me after i couldn't make a few then i see her tonight and she's being a ham and then off in vip and not pulling me in. like i had missed the boat or soemthing and then she said it'd be too hard to bring me to this one show. this show where the male designers and smokin' and i had met one before and was smitten to be sure. but i really wouldn't play w/ someone in fashion at the end of the day. but i felt all irritated with my friend's 'tud. if i really got into the antics you'd never forgive me for living amongst it. silly shenanigans go on to get on lists, or get front row at shows. get photographed. not shenan's by me, but by this girl. she's crazy about it, and it works. she's in the front row, getting photographed all the time, slathered with gift bags... guess i'm jealous or just feeling like all i do is work so hard. she just plays so hard. i'm really queer about missing out on *anything*. it's the reason i have run myself into the ground at times. and this time i didn't and am feeling skidded about it.

it's stupid. i ask myself, is my life better, heart bigger by any of that silliness? once you get a bit spoiled by it tho, it's tough to stay out of the merry go round.

so.very.much has been tossing me around like a rag doll. mainly work related. r u surprised?

i do love it tho. i love the natural protection it provides me. for the first time in my life obsession and hurt and etc with men is not throwing me around. at the end of the day, i drop all thoughts and centralize for work. nothing else gets by. there is no room. so even with questions about busy, crushes on any new one...none of it sustains. i forget the new ones, if any even make radar, and busy gets shelved. just where he belongs. i'm beginning to really see the mythology about him. not him, me. my thoughts on him. my illusions. illusions that are safe only when a deep forest mist covers the truth. wtf. man. he's not real. he is a real person, froth with the most complicated, twisted limitations a human in my same city can have. i'm seeing it now. vla, y, y, y, there's more for me to ask in the why of it. the what the hell of it.

i certainly do feel quenched, pulsating for "him," becuz of deeper seeded issues, planted long before i've met busy. capturing the butterfly that can't, won't land. "if only."

anyway. more importantly...i was mid deadline, barely awake from the second long long night of work and the one of the sales agents calls.

"hey, i have good news. so and so wants 2,000 belts."

i mutter around, the number having absolutely no precaffinated meaning, "well great is that the # that so and so did? i'm sure we can, let me call you later."

minutes later i'm on the john calculator in hand..."TWO THOUSAND? TWO THO...THAT'S A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR ORDER!!!"

we are talking, i started with 500 dollar orders. the largest was 10g's. but the story unfortunately doesn't end there...something went amiss and now they are talking about only wanting 200 b's. which is back down to 10g's. i don't know if we played to hard on a percentage negotiation or what. or if there was a personality thing ego thing battle. or if they are as we speak in china taking my sample apart to reproduce by the thousands for their own purposes, twice as cheap.
lovely.

tomorrow morning i'm helping out with sales for the first time. at the showroom during the tradeshow. should be educational. feeling a bit shy about it. a bit odd. feeling like i'm supposed to work it and i'm not feeling like working it. i feel like being casual and hiding. smoking cigarettes maybe.

that's the big plan, smoke hand rolled cigarettes. and i'm not even a smoker.

my assist btw, remains the most incredible miracle my life has been graced in so very long. i just get shy. i took her to the show tonight. she is so cool and loyal and hardworking. all wkend and then till nearly midnight at my place. so very hardworking, i actually am going to have to pace her. as if i know anything about that.

i had a great meeting with a new manufacturer about the production on a belt we'll be doing sales on this weekend. dying to see how it does. not sure it's ready, actually sure it's not. don't know fer' shit what i'm doing, making it up as i go. but many a hard core biz folk told me to fake it till you get it.

i'm nervous. but damn happy that i found the resource. they are hidden well. it's a second layer resource that contractors do not want me to find. cuts out the middle man. i just want to make it work. :*) i like that part. the agressive part of finding resources. expanding.

i stayed at electro's new pad last night cuz i couldn't bare driving across town. he was irritating me with his organizational impulses. made me take my shoes off and nearly fainted when i put a new pair on self forgetting the said home rule that's stupid to begin with. he snuggled me, which i wasn't into. i'm not *into* him in any way more than friends. but it did occur to me that it would be nice to make whoopy. and he's so very endowed. but even so, i'm less into caos than ever. and more into clarity, simplicity. i like our friendship. the next morning he tagged along with me at a cafe as i worked. then nailed a curious kiss on the cheek as he left. that's not our norm. he's being a bit funny with ;me, i think i'll have to slap him. i'm sure he'll forget it soon. he's just borred and turning to the first, closest set of breasts avail to him.

when am i going to have good sex that is not muddy?

muddy waters.

do you ever listen to muddy waters?

okay. i've avoided the last bit of work long enough. must be off. :*)