2005-10-12 - 12:53 a.m.

hi.

jumbly and vla, did you like my coded message? sorry man i had some real bunk go down on the computes.

it's an amusing story. three people had complete access to my entire computer, they could log on at any moment and read exactly what i'm writing. my screen would pop up on their desktop. to the point where i was booted off and my computer guy was asking if i was avail on some date and i said i don't know, i can't launch my calender, to which he replies, hmmm it looks like friday you only have a sparklet's delivery. can we do it then?

i had to make him make a private folder before i could get back on. what's more, i'm sure he would be interested in what i'm writing. not even sure if any of them caught onto here. but i'm pretty sure my assistant didn't and that's my main concern. i couldn't even go read any of you as it would paper trail back to me through your gb.

there's so much to tell. but mainly this, i got in a really bad scream fest w/ my mom. mostly i was screaming. and now i'm feeling horrible. i told her for the first time in 8 mo's that i had decided to start drinking in my life. fyi mom. not to get validation. but she had a very bad reaction which i think is absurd on various levels too thick to get into without more cursing. but i have a lot of hormonal feelings attached to it. to the point where i was sobbing on the phone to lizard. saying i wouldn't be loved unless i was exactly as they want me. i feel like i'm getting discarded cuz i'm not the good girl they shelved me off to be. and not like *i* think my choices are not good. i think they just are. and they are alll mine. so step off. fuck. man. this is bothering me more than i thought it possibly could. i've had a furled brow all day today. my day started with a belt meltdown. so once a-fuckin-gain, i had the best intentions on working out, getting coffee, taking time, the farthest i got was an attempt to put on work out pants. next thing you know, i'm still in my underwear on my hundredth call with a horse voice, no coffee, bad attitude broiling in on me.

aaa jeezz.
strange, thick dreams lately.

i'm having a lot of expectations for sales on this next show. lot's of anxiety on my own expectations. how do people have goals without drowning in their expectations rubbing up against those goals?

i only control so much for the sales. but i want to do all i can. and teh week is closing in on me. and i'm throwing a dinner p for cat's bday. not throwing, just organizing, throwing some cash into it...will see busy there. first qt w/ him since thailand. how wierd. how very wierd.d

can you believe i've been this well behaved? no sex. no randomness. no bad x's, no bff's. nada.

and btw,i love all of my longtime readers, i love how open and supportive u cats are and have always been. sometimes i read people who are so limited, afraid of living, or of..what...of sexuality, wildness, prude and i think fuck all what they must think reading me. if you're thinking judgement, then get off, i'm pms.ing and refuse to be judged. go play in the pg playpen.

this falls so far short from the entry that would be if it could of been. i lost the rhythm with the imposed silence.

i hope u r are wellll. don't be mad at me. i can't stand another person mad at me for me being me at the moment...