2005-10-01 - 4:20 p.m.

wow.

i just spoke with an old friend. one who was a core shaper in my life. someone who guided me through the rough edges of my early twenties.

both she and my friend who just passed away from cancer are two of the strong women who shaped me with their humor, strength, belief and balls. full of balls these two.

there it is..the tears. i knew it would come to this talk. the one that called had been diagnosised with fourth stage b.c. and she'd always ask how debra was doing. as a way to peek ahead. this cry is choking my throat.

she called to ask if debra was around, heard a rumor. i had to tell her, she'd passed. then we talked about her. about her chemo, her hair. her epiphany of surrendering it entirely. it's a beautiful story.

they are both amazing women. debra, as i've mentioned surfed and lived so vivaciously.

my friend has had a wildly successful career. she's so full of humor and heart and impenitrable strength.

it just hurts. touches the tender spot. she's such a comfort to me. always has been, grounding for me. i told her about the thyroid chronicles.

god.

this choke really is holding me right now. hostage. i had such plans for my day. it had such plans for me.

i'm completely disoriented. like the best i can do now is go to bed and nap and read and cry.

i just can't breath well right now.

.....
k i'm better. talked to my mom. she's so good right now. sometimes there's nothing like that kind of grounding. i'm lucky.

currently getting into bed with book, food, fat cats...