2005-10-01 - 2:10 p.m.

holy shit i am on a ice cold fire!!

beware of beautifying expiriments! don't try this at home unless your masochistic.

i took a hot bath with pure organic honey on my face and breastisus and then i got out, vita c, lotion and then pure peppermint oil. which i use sometimes for my traps, as a soar muscle reliever. but there's something about the heat and water opening every pore wide that when you put pure peppermint you start to feel the icyiest fire your body can know. it hits a couple minutes after and all the sudden i am in a world of pain and putting layers and layers on clothes on to warm up the pain. i'm typing in my sweats, t'shirt, jumper, peacock with thick knit head scarf. with hot tea. and still in a strange pain.

i've had quite a day on me already.

somebodies *got* to do something with my anger problem. i've had two sever irritation flareups just today. warrented, granted, wait till you hear!! but still it does *me* no good to end up with a jaw so clenched that i end the day in a headache.

i'm walking to the gym, talking on the phone to my leather manufacturer, my favorite one. the one that has never given me a peep of trouble. just quality and laughs and wierd pinapple guava's from his tree. he informed me....THAT MY ASSISTANT FEIGNED TO WAIT A WHOLE FUCKING MATTER OF DAYS TO TAKE ALL MY GOD DAMN CONTACTS I'VE WORKED MY FUCKING GOD DAMN ASS OFF FOR AN ENTIRE GOD DAMN YEAR OR TWO OR THREE TO GARNER AND GO BEHIND MY FANNY AND START MAKING LEATHER PRODUCT. BRACLETTES. I STARTED WITH LEATHER....*BRACELETTES*.

sorry 'bout that. i wanted you to feel the effects as if we were in person cuz i'd be telling you the story with my "wild crazy eyes" and a bursting pace.

now here's the problem i have with this. cuz it really made me search within my own motives. i had told her i support her doing her own thing. i said to myself i feel like a failure if i *havent'* inspired someone into their own creative adventure.

that's *if* someone is respectful...(oh jezuz i finally feel the peppermint wrath calming down)... if someone is respectful enough to do it in the open, after speaking to me.

is that too much to ask?

am i being dramatic?

i gave her everything. all my trust. my mistake. all my contacts. but how could i not. i still will. i have to do allow the other person to get their job done. and i don't believe in gathering my nuts and not sharing.

but this just has struck a very fucking different cord.

just the other night i was giving all my buyer contacts to a younger friend who wants to start off. i have no prob with this and most eveyr single person in my position does have a major problem with this. gaurding info with their life. my goodness. i'm really worked up. breathless.

but for her to work a weak amount of time, take all i've taught her, all my contacts and then turn the fuck around and not come to me and say, hey listen i'm doing my own thing and i'm going to ask so and so to produce it. i'd probably gaurdedly give her my okay. best of luck doll. but to just do it like this?

the only generousity i can give, the only understanding i can dig up is that maybe she was just too scared to tell me. if she was fucking scared then...you bet' wait till now. i am not someone people like to cross. gangsta. when you are in, you are very in and protected with the last thread of me, and when you have fucked with my ethic or my crew...

you get the idea. i really need to vent here. it's just.so...i'm breathless.

here's the most delicious, rewarding kicker of my bizness career. to. date.

my manufacturer is going to return her call and refuse her, saying that he won't becuz i am going to do leather bracellets. which he came up with, i had no plans for it..yet. loyalty. there is nothing more important to me in my life than loyalty.

my friends? feriociously so. i would trust them butt naked in bed with my future boyfriend. i would trust what they would tell someone else when i'm not in the room after we just burst into a fight. i would trust them with my love, my money, my sanctity. and i give it, unflinchingly.

loyalty.

so this manfacturer just got someone in his corner that is committed for life. he just earned my mad respect and i don't even know how i can begin to conveye it.

the other manufacturer? the other one she is sure to ask? the one i had prob's with before? forget it. they'll be working together by the end of the week. glad i paved that princess entitled chic's way to easy street.

i fucking hate these little tarts that graduate from USC, driving dad's freshman year gift, coming out thinking the fucking world owes them something. and then takes as if the world exists just for them on the silver platter beneath their fucking nose.

i am a dangerous woman right now.

i am barred from speaking to her until i calm down. you don't know what my wrath feels like when it's still white hot.

must wait for the sting of the peppermint ice heat to cool off my skin.

she's an aggressive princess. the women i know, the women i respect are so far from this. cat? worked her way fulltime through school. sweated every single fucking book, every single belief. lizard? drives a ghetto ass car when her family could front because she earns every cent. the current hire? family, first generation to come to the US, political asylum. hardworking for life. grew up working at the small family businesses. seems to know what its about.

i can smell entitlement. and it fucking reeks. i never usually get along with someone brazen with it for more then ten minutes. i don't care if someone did grow up with dime or not, it's an attitude.

that is the last time i hire someone when i am debilitatingly hung over!

sso that little angst sent me to the gym for an easy 60 min cardio bust up. usually it's 20-30. i had to take it down to a little NWA.

then. then. i go to my solderers (metal workers). my goodness. i'm too exhausted to discuss my second vent. but it involves brazen infidelity, the most rude insecure "model" from eastern europe and this seemingly harmless *married* man. i'm just to the moon.

no. on this one...i'm hurt.

why?

i don't know.

it's not usually my ish.

i've never been cheated on. or gotten into it myself, save the sixteen year old drunk.

but when i see it, something with in me
dies.

something sacred.

and i just feel stung.

stunned.
mistified.
the final fronteir of my naivity.

i'm just so sad for this loyal wife who had his kid, grew some stretch marks for him to go and touch the slim waist of this cruel, mean insecure girl (literally, she is the only female i've experience who has actually snarled and stared so starkly at me when i smiled five fucking times).

how could he? i want to go bawl him and her out. for the wife. in the name of woman. in unity.

i'm sorry if you've been on the other end of this and i've just terrorized you.

i just don't understand it.

i really just don't. i don't. i know there's two sides and blablajustificationbla.

in a protective way, i think of you ladies with partners, and i think i'd kill someone who went agaisnt the sanctity of that bond. but i don't think that'd happen. not when what you have is full and bonded. i jsut don't get when one from our own team goes and slices knifes like that.

to know power?

to steal the very essence from anothers core?

i've always felt, like i couldn't like when my guy friend "talent" was still hard broiled in emotion with the ex-so-fresh, i couldn't do it with him, cuz i knew their bond was important. i knew despite what he wanted in the moment that it would hurt him moments later. i didn't want to hurt him. and i didn't want to play second to anyone. ever.

maybe i just haven't been in that situation to know the full bredth of it. whatever. why am i trying so hard to understand the other side? i think it's becuz i'm afraid that whatever i judge most in life, i will be brought to myself. as some twisted karmic play to bring me to my knees shouting, "okay, okay, i give..i have compassion for this too!"

okay, i finally took off my headscarf. i'm going to go pick up lunch. i'm just so miffed. exhausted. feeling like i need to work throu how riled i get. becuz it saps me.
and i had so much juice today. now i feel like i've been run dry.

now i feel slightly sad and disoriented. :*