2005-09-23 - 11:41 a.m.

well hello my friends.

i just am taking a moment "to get centered." be forewarned, this might be borring. suggestion, go back to some archival piece where i'm traveling and engaging dirty naughties.

lizard and i are mending. i don't think she realizes her own process, but who does! i love her to pieces and i still think, hope, that we grow old together. we are so entirely different. sometimes that has served us, but i can also see how that could be the space that grows in between.

i'm very excited to tell you that i'm going to nyc, one of my fav places on earth-planet. going end of oct for step brothers wedding. he's the first to crumble in the whole family. jezuz, what next, spawn? speaking of, my best college pal that i went to the wedding for is preg. it's complex, layered, she's very independent. it came the instant they decided to stop using the ducks. she isn't quite ready. but ready are we ever?

can you believe that i've been this good to myself now for weeks on end? my world record had been two shaky weeks taken down by a prison break of self dislike where i usually end up on the floor.

i've been different. since thailand. since thirty. since what? what was the real catalyst? but i've been working out in the morn, sorta doing my chores, sorta paying bills on time, being nicer to my body, no drama's with male counterparts or underparts, not doing self destructive things in general, in fact starting to inch more into nice nice to me things. i'm even getting a massage on saturday. been taking time in the mornings to start right. give myself some room to try and love my life. appreciate all it is. all the work i do. so i don't end up institutionalized.

ooo my. i don't think i've told you the sales! did i? well i'm feeling shy about being so specific, but i trust that you will just hip pocket it for yourself only. we did 30 bills. which is fine. to be honest, i wanted 40. becuz i'm hungry and insane and nearly never satisfied. but that's 15 per line (belts and jewelry). and that's okay. the top line in the showroom i think does 20. one of the other does 5 thousand. so it's strong. there was more interest with the belts. here's the thing. i'm slightly, unalterably obsesssssed with clearing 40 at the next. i will be satisfied with nothing, nothing less. not a fucking dollar before 40. it's a very big show and it's on my turf, so it's possible. i'm going to be making new samples and i want to personally send an email promo piece to every freekin targeted buyer in the land of laa.

i hope like buddha that i finish these new samples, they are simply silly fantastic. it's just like this big unknown question mark looming above my head. i don't know how to construct it or source it. so i get intimidated by the unknown, overwhelmed by it. and i have such little time to do it anyway. but i've got to produce new digs. it's unacceptable not to. wow. the pressure. pls send me this girl to work for me!!!

hey, on the forgiveness front....
i've had a wierd wave of amputation of my qualms. denial, forgiveness, whatever it is, i've let the shroud down and loved those who hurt the heart of me. inch by inch.

my dad was easy. we are just the same person in different skins. we amputate easily, talked frankly about it. he said he was just pissed cuz he didn't want me to ruin my credit over health bills. he still doesn't *get* how many more i have to pay. and he doesn't know that i used the money he sent for production and not bills. oops! creative cash flow sisters. i could teach a class. but i love him. i'm just as nuts and stubborn as him.

lizard, you know about. i feel good about the breather. i've been really gentle in my communications over email, told her that i'm not in any way leaving htis great seven year friendship and that she needs to let me know how i need to be here for her right now. i know that some very difficult stuff has been bubbling to the surface and it occured to me that she might equate the timing of that with me distancing. and i don't want that. i don't for a second want her to feel like the truth arises, the darkest corners and i leave. no way. reinforce that she's bad, too ucky. no way. just plain no way. i'm just saying that i don't want to be treated bad in the duration. wow. i'm not sure i ever mentioned what the "stuff coming up is." but it's challenging. the most. from the past. eight years old? god. hmmm. thinking....

brother...i finally called him back. he sounded so realived to hear from me. so softened. he's been the real one i haven't been able to forgive, since while i was going in for diagnosis and it was the most difficult, disasterous, dark time of my life and he was in my town, up the road and refused to see me. that was just...i....then we fought and fought and fought and he had no compassion at all. he was too lost in his anger, in his , what ever was arising to the surface for him, from the past. mostly about my parents, projected onto me. it was...and i was drinking. a lot. i remember going into the, testing daylight, still drunk, shaking. and it was yellow. and the others. the sadness in the room. the kid with his dad. it was too thick. i was alone. no one really understood. some did, mom. but she's out of state. and i didn't even know. it was the hardest time of this year. it was the hardest the first round of testing becuz no one knew what was really happening, how deep it could run..
so i've held on tightly to how my brothers never appologized. he has, in a general, i'm sorry, aloof way. never saying what for, never taking responsiblity. i need that. i need justice. i need someone to be accountable. i need to not be wrong. i need to be understood. to understand, where i seek to be understood. i also want to understand him. really know where the fuck he was coming from. so it doesn't have to feel like so many knives stabbing at my insides. puncturing places of love.

for the first time last night, i felt genuine love and forgiveness. our talk was so stretched, i couldn't give him an inch in. only giving vague details on my life. i just didn't want him in, and i started to hear how hurt he was about it. then when it came to talking about my biz he tried to do what boys do, fix it. help. tell me what to do. which i then said, don't tell me how to run my biz, i'm just talking, not asking for a how to. which he backed off of. big brother. i know he's just trying to love me. i know that my skin is sometimes impenetrateable when hurt. but he sounded, so willing. and open, and soft. then i talked to my mom about the awkward talk, and she said that he is really going through his own stuff right now. battling with depresssion or something low. i'm usually the one he calls when he needs to talk about that. i am the one who gets the calls when he needs to burst open and flood. everything came crumbling down. all the love flooded back in for me. i don't want him to feel lost. or alone. or bad. there's enough in the world. i called him right back and stuttered through words about being sorry it's been awkward and that it's been rough. that on my own time, i'm trying to work through some stuff, but between us i want there to be our relationship and love. he was so softened. like the hammer he was beating himself with fell further from his heart. i told him that i'd like to spend some one on one in nyc. not to talk about stuff, but just to be together.

i can't wait.

i requested the same of my mom. she sounded so happy when i told her that i had a special request to spend an afternoon with just her. that we were to celebrate both our bdays and go play. i'm so excited to spend some time with both. shit, i still don't know where i'm going to stay. i've got one friend, but i think she's crushed on me and it's close quarters and i'm going to be uncontrollable. staying out late etc. she won't like that. hotel. hmm, trying to not hemmorage funds. but that's a poss. somewhere cheap. my guy friend lives to far north for a quick trip and the other guy fri hasn't offered and he's slightly in like, so i think that'd be difficult to navigate as well. which i could do, but he hasn't offered. maybe he's got wierd chic situations in the vicinity so he can't have a lady stay for a few. wait, i just remembered one more person. but he's a flake. and might also have a lady. any recommendations on a good, inexpensive as all hell hotel somewhere downtownish?

be well.
call the person you love today. tell them the truth.

because you can.