2005-09-10 - 4:37 p.m.

i think the best i can do today is get back into to bed and pay bills.

i just have been fighting my negative, sad thinking. and i haven't let up the fight, but i feel like it's closing in on me.

my friend was over last night and she said, quit sighing like that! quit making those noises of defeat...etc. she thought i was being hard on myself. like a dog i cocked my head to the side, "really? i am?" this morning in yoga, can you believe, i went to yoga...but i went late and spent the whole time backing out of poses that the fucker insisted on holding for forty min's and then i spent the rest thinking how i'm not fit to be around others. my hair smelled, i don't have the pretty painted toe's like all others on this side of town. then lizard and i got into it again. not bad, but i just feel like she's taking a lot out on me. last night i invite her out with myself and my new fav friend and she just was so edgy, i had said something "wrong" to her early in the night which she snapped at me about, then she was sensitive about something else. the whole night i felt like i was tapdancing to do it all right and walking on eggshells in the process.

see lizard is going thro some adorable upheaval and i don't quite know how to deal with it. she's finally getting in touch with her anger and now i feel like since i'm closest to her, that it's all getting practiced on me. she see's some acupunturist who emotionally mentors her and tells her what to do or something. i feel like lizard is mad for all these years she let, *she let*, me be the boss. i couldn't have BEGGED her to make a decision, give an opinion or say her needs. so i was mostly left to decide everything, when we left, where we'd go.... and now i feel like she's punishing me for it all. and it's ugly. and i feel like it's not goign to let up and i feel really taken advantage for emotionally. i feel like i've done nothing but support her process, excited about her finally "coming out" saying what she needs, asserting herself, introducing her to gads of people.....and now i'm getting wringed at the neck when i frankly am just trying to catch enough breath in life to begin with on my own. there's been enough battle in my day to then come home to my closest friend and get hurt.

she is just so angry right now. and i really feel like it's all getting taken out on me. i don't want to be my dad and punish with distance, but i also don't want to subject myself to it. i jsut wrote her an email saying that i feel like we need some space, that i feel constantly wrong with her and like i'm walking on eggshells and that she's welcome to tell me what she does need since i clearly can't guess...

i've also been crying a lot about what's happened from the storm, no more specifically, what's happened becuz our government choose to ignore the people effected by the storm.

i can be pretty distant or tough. i think that's becuz i'm too sensitive. i'll get submerged. and i feel that now. i feel submerged. i'm so angry myself at the situation. at the black women with more degree's than i could do in a lifetime stuck in the superdome, standing in feces for days, with out water, without food, while she saw before her eyes a mother with a baby die. wondering why isn't someone helping as she looked into a sea of people with the same color skin, as she heard ramped rumour that they were goign to be left to die. that they were even just going to be lined up and shot.

now why would any human be lead to such an assumption. what in their life could build the bricks of thought to create such a wall? daily disregard, prejudice and then the blatent disrespect for the very primal necessities of human life.

i just can't understand why we aren't in the fucking streets tearing down the house, demanding the impeachment of the worst president in history for crimes against humanity. where would we begin? the note on clarity25 's dl about barbara icequeen bush floored me. even i, the great sinic, thought that was rumor. no, it was a direct quote.

today i was in my primarily white, but extremely eccelectic hood and this whole family of black women and children were handing out food packs they made themselves to the homeless. i over heard them say, there's only one color. colornessless.

i think somethings getting ignited. just as i'm feeling so entirely collapsed. so discouraged. i'm the one that writes letters, makes calls, volunteers, is raging at protests...and i just feel so fucking deflated.

when i was trying to hire this one girl, i was subtly trying to ask her reference what way she swung in terms of politics. saying my co. is very socially active and progressive and caotic and would she be someone who is offended by that. in jist, i just don't want some asshole republican anywhere near me saying, "well i think he's doing an okay job." well i think his head should be on a platter.

my dad sent me a note saying he sent money but i have to pay the bills as that's *my* responsibility. jezuz, i was asking for what he promised, but not asking him to bedside me. of course i'll do the work of it. he's just so nutty on occasions. so stubborn. like me. its a miracle our relationship has made it this far.

i was reading the part of anais nin's diary where she SLEEPS WITH HER FATHER. did not know this. felt self conscious of all the times i spoke about me relating so strongly to her...not that strongly! i felt strange. it only added to this horrible feeling inside. i felt so sad. she didn't enjoy it. she said there was no physical joy. i think there were other reasons, i wish she had had someone to ground her and talk to. strange, so much of her is here and yet she's been off this earth for so long. there's so much i'd want to ask her, talk to her about.

tonight i'm going to the same friends i went to last weekend for a dinner party. i don't feel like it, since i feel so collapsed. so down. and i feel needy. like i want cat to

fix me was what i was about to say, just as she rang thro on my cell.

anyway, tonight this friend of two of my friends is coming and she intimidates me. very much. she started a business that has done silly well. i think she had some trust funding behind her, but she sweated like any good entreprenuer. she built it and sold it and still runs it. and whats more is her biz could help mine... a lot. and i sent her a package a while back, she had said she really wanted to help etc, but then nothing came of it. so now i'm really gun shy adn i'm already not feeling fit for the world. so now i don't want to show up. hiding sounds better. imagine her knowing her effects on lill ol' me. i thought also if i've ever effected someone strongly and never knew it. she's really nice and sharp and i just have that feeling of wanting to be liked. and how i don't control it. and how i don't want to put on a show or sell her on my stuff, just to let it go and be me and trust that that on it's own is more than enough. and to trust even more. to trust that even without her help, my biz will still succeed and it will stay healthy and do well....

my first ny show is next week...

wow. i just took a nap and i am foul. foul minded still. going to go to dinner party just to test the theory of geographics. to see if dislocation shifts me.

needing a shift. needing my jaw to loosen.

needing light.