2005-09-09 - 12:42 a.m.

jeez. should i start pretty or end pretty? i always save the best bite for last....

so today was a horrid day. considering the cancelled orders, the lawsuit etc, i had some nerves in interviewing today as most candidates are seeking work becuz of tanked biznesses, biz's just like mine. really quite discouraging. motivating, sorta, but overwhelming! and i'm really tense about money. really. tense. i have checks to write and nothing to write them with as far as i can see. it'll work, i just need to get someone on my books to make sure i'm not hemroging green, that i'm not driving the ship to the bottom of the sea. that there is some faith found between the simple logic of math and predictions.

so today my dad called upset at the rest of the medical bills i sent to him to pay as he was paying half. he thought he was done paying when he was here. yeah right dad, like they even process the bills on the same day. and there are collectors calling, sending, harrassing. so he gets pissed at meeee, saying why'd i wait. to which i said, why'd you?? i gave him the spread sheet with noted due dates weeks ago! and that is sheer organization for me. he just got all accusatory and pissed. then he said, you know don't take it for granted, like this is some obligation.

which
set
me offffff.

i handled myself fine, said i couldn't hear anything he had to say at this point becuz i was too hurt, pissed and overwhelmed in the middle of my work day and i'd like to talk about it later.

then like a real adult, he HUNG UP ON ME.

and we wonder why i'm so peeeerfectly mature.

shitmanyoukiddingme?
i am so hurt and pissed. i sorta get his small minded pissedoffness. he thinks he paid and doesn't understand why he's getting harrassed for more and blamed for collection notices, like it's all my fault and not his and i should be beggin him to pay and doing everything just as he wants me to. see hhhhere's the thing, my dad is the greatest manipulator with money. since i have always been so balls out fierce, he's had little else to hang over my head. becuz i would just leave town if he pissed me off, or leave his place or leave our relationship. what he does is hold money against me to get me to be the perfect daughter and react the way he wants OR ELSE>

so right now, i'm betting everything i have that he will enter into "punish me" phase by not speaking to me for...ooo i'd say a month. a good month. then he'll act beyond it and like it was all silly and that i was silly and it was all my fault. won't even be able to talk thro it. he is the masterful punisher. the silent treatmenter. the emotional withdrawer until you do exactly as i wish...oh shit i do this too.

fucking mirrors!

i do, if i'm really hurt from a friend i just can't talk to them. i want them to *know* by my distancing that what they did was wrong, and since i'm usually more stubborn than them, i win the stare down constest.

i know, very healthy.

so he will punish me cuz i'm not playing by his rules by not speaking to me. for who the fuck knows how long and then he'll threaten me with notions about him not living forever, instilling the fear of loosing him, so that then, by this manipulation i will do as he wishes.

wierd i dreampt of him LEAVING. dreampt of unrequited need. of being controlled...all this just the night before. as if i felt what was coming. and i did. i know him too well, i knew my punishment was coming, i knew becuz he was ignoring me. "pissed off".

here's why i'm so pissed, becuz he said and i quote, notice the quotes, "get the surgery right now, i don't care about the cost, don't put it off."

hhhh mmmmm. i see, until the bills come in that is?

so now what? i have nothing. but the option for bankruptcy. loans? mom is stretched.

i just refuse to bend to his manipulations. i can't stand when someone tries to control me. is this a hot button for anyone else? am i just sensitive to this? i think it's cuz he had so much control at the expense of my sense of self and safety when i was growing up. i was a hostage not a child.

i have defiantly carved out my life in a response. most of it isn't just independence or entreprenuerialism, it's just a responses to being hostage and never wanting that to happen again. not by a boss or a man or a father. i'm just so angry. so let down. i would have never NEVER gotten this crap down if he hadn't offered to pay. if they didn't pay, i just simply would of meditated and hoped for the best in my body. literally wouldn't have touched the fucker. he wants me to beg and make him the hero or something. where as my mom jsut assumes that's inherently the job of a parent. no q's asked, no need for thx.

THAT is the fuckin diff of a man
and a woman.

a woman just does.
a man just talks.

i feel so wrecked by my primal male relations. no wonder i am so crazy in the coconut about male relations. commmmeee on lizard even said i deserve a 24 yr old over this debacle after hearing me sobb for 15 straight. both my brother and my dad have catestrophically disappointed me during the worst time with this surgery.

and how???how do i forgive? i'm not only hurt, that's way too burried by how angry i am. so angry. i won't even speak to my brother right now. i'm not being mean, just evasive. i don't want to get hit again man. i just want to sidestep it. he left bday messages. i left a thank you to him, but really i was pissed as hell that i felt he forgot my bday. 30th. not like 28 man. i just don't even want to speak to either of them ever ever ever again.

i don't want to speak to busy or mta or any of them. electro makes the cut cuz he's like a chic. worse. but the rest can fucking act as if i died last year. fuck them. seriously. all i get is pain. more pain, with a cherry of pain on top.

ooo speaking of men, the guy i told you about? the dinner party guy? the guy who spoke of ex girlfriends all night..of a stripper who had a phD whom he dated...IS GAY. he's gay. confirmed.

un. real.

i feel like he was doing some sick expiriment. which i support wholely. i love social expiriments. cat and i do them often.

but anything short of that is shearly mental. character brutality. to fool people like that and at an intimate dinner party, not some big anonymous party. i just am dying to know the story, the reason behind it... so very curious. curiousity gets me into all sorts of delima's as you've seen.

so tonight, i'm looking in the mirror at my mothers stomach on me, how the fuck did it all of the sudden billow out and pockle? i glance at the cat throw up i have ABSOLUTELY no plans on cleaning up any time soon. i risk life and limb to climb through my kitchen, through piles of work inventory to make it to the bedroom. i'm thinking of how cooked i am, overwhelmed, needing to clean, to get ahead, to make deadlines, my dad's fight, money money money and i remember!

gaazadds! i got jumblys gift today. i kept it all day as my surprise. so i get in bed with it, as anything that's golden occurs in bed, like eating cake, watching movies, reading books and tearing open bday gifts. the great smell preceeds the opening, i'm already smiling. i'm cutting the tape on the box, thinking, someone out there packed this, touched this tape i'm opening, and here i am in bed tearing it apart, i wonder if she can picture me doing it...opening it i see colorful confetti, like a paper shredder gone postal, with a history of crack and a splash of psychodelics, twist of lime. then i burst into tears at the two candles and the tony the tiger wrapping. the ribbons. i really think it's the ribbons where i felt really loved. so odd to, becuz it's over nothing i "give" to you. it's truly over just knowing eachother, in this unique, sheer way. the purest. the bows, the wrapping, like you really wanted to give someone something special, joy. joy in giving it. i tear through, okay not really tear, it took a course in engineering to get through the perfect wrapping...are you sure your not my relative. the people on my dad's side were taught by a german mom about the strictest adherence to wrapping protocol. then there are colorful postconsumer recycled paper notecards. crying. kept saying out loud, "oo my god. oo my god." then the soap is the coolest thing i've ever seen. and usually whenever i get something this nice I *always* regift. somewhere inside i think that something this nice needs to be given to someone else. like i have no right to deserve it. but fuck that ninja! i'm going to soap myself up from head to toe and everytime i wash my hands i'll smile with a handful of jumbly. i'm leaving the carebear for the morning. as a surprise, since i expect my day to be like a steady influx of diahrea, i'll give myself a reason to feel light. becuz clearly my freekin hips give me none.

you have no idea, or you do since i've detailed it, how challenged my day had been and how bright this was. what perrrfect timing. it's actually one of two and a half, no okay three gifts i got. i don't know if i can wait out on the carebears, but i'm going to try, now that i'm an adult and all i can like totally suspend my impulse, like tonight when i *didn't* eat the entire piece of chocolate marble cake i didn't buy.

i love the wrapping paper.

:*) thank you so much. what is your address, you know i'm going to hit you back. at least w/ a thx.

ps. i met with interviewee's and i want advice. two people are candidates:

I'm meeting with another eligible but here's how it is so far:

1. L...young. Pepperdine grad. Soccer player. Not a lot of experience but I smell competence. Assisted a photographer, which is demanding and you have to guess what they want and read minds then hush up. Peerrrrrfect for me. she is fine with constant to do's and being bossed around. she knows/studied the design programs I need. Likes change, hands on, fast paced. Just out of school, wants to move to santa cruz at some point. Lives close by, won't leave my deadlines to go do yoga. Has a great digital camera to shoot my stuff. Will do other work for money at nights. Can start her low with incentive. Bad: not sure she can do any oversight and give feedback to my manufacturers. She might be more of a pure assistant for longer. Not move up as quick, but I like that she grew up in sports, it's that direct form of working with people without getting sensitive like the last girl.

2. J... Young and married. Who marrys? She basically just worked for a designer with the exact same set up in baby clothes. So she knows everything I'd need her to about shipping, invoicing, sourcing, will move up quick,she's really anal and super perfectionistic. She'll nail me for all my loose ends, would be great. Like a wife. Also can sew well and sew packing bags and also knows the design programs. Very proactive, won't wait for green light if something needs to be shipped, will just do it. I think she's a good coda. i could of plucked her straight from an alanon meeting. 26 yrs old, feels comfortable working with manufacturers even tho she looks harmless. Bad: she costs more and money seems to be an issue, will want to go full time, so I think she's more of a flight risk as i can't make her fulltime and will struggle to pay a higher wage to begin with. I think she could help run things, but she grew up in a very conservative area and she does prespiterian choir for good times. i've had a theory about folks in choir...and it's not nice. she lives across town and doesn't seem to like too much caos asking if there could be a set schedule. Which is what drove my girl nuts last time. Not sure if she can deal with my caos with a bit of structuring and help...

to recap
1. willing, do all. Cheaper. Less pressure to keep her financially (has other work that won't compete at all.) will take more to train and hand hold.

2. handle more, needs less training, less loss on mistakes. More expensive hourly rate. Probably can't curse, talk about coke addictions or kissing chics in front of her.

Any outside the forest feedback on these trees?