2005-09-07 - 9:21 a.m.

i had the worst morning dream. i was at the hospital and there was threats of some disaster. they were carting everyone off to rooms. i looked at the older people and thought there are rooms full of people hooked up on machines to live and if something happened they'd all die. they can't flee. for a milisecond, i knew in reality what that was like. when your body fails and the whole world seems impossible. the world seems frightening like every single person will run into you, cars will hit you...it's something i felt when i lost confidence physically in the days after my surgury.

then in the dream i was in a room, drab, broken concrete bathroom. dark, wet and i was with two girlfriends and my dad. we were going pee. we were stuck in the building. (guess who had to pee this mornin?) then my dad left the room and i paniced about where he was.

then there was some guy friend on the cell saying he was at the street next door. i wanted to go there. much earlier in the night i had a dream about being dependent on a man. we were at the house i grew up in. he didn't treat me well. i didn't feel myself. but i needed something from him.

shit i have to go interview people on the phone. i was up a bit too late working. lots of clients. one guy was at a one of them. i met him a bit ago at a dinner party. he's a godzillionaire that's pretty normal and good looking (except i know he's older, so i wonder if he's had "work" done. haha.) and apparently they call a nickname indicadive of his extremely large piece. we had interesting conversation. i could tell we were sniffing eachother out just slightly. i think my honesty would be too much for him. i was thinking of that, that with certain hard working classes there seems to be an honesty. i would never give up pieces of my life for someone, would never want to. i want someone who only expands me. my friend, who has given up everything to be with her godzillionaire guy, commmented to be with someone that you can't have anything going on, that you have to be able to pick up and leave anytime etc. she didn't have any focus before tho.

i'd rather have raw, real, human, connected love irregardless of the perameters that i find it (financial situations, looks, backround), than a comfortable, gileless, insubstantive one. then you are forced to constantly have an influx of new "things" from the outside to fill up with.

okay but if you are filled up with love inside and you've taken care of your own needs, then whatever you receive from a partnership is a bonus, and never a need. in either love of comfort. so the work is in filling yourself with these necessaries then feeling out what kind of bonuses are important.

i'm so irritated, some prick is calling me from a collection agency calling asking who i am without saying why he's calling. i had to do some sluething to get to his boss and demand to know why i got this wierd call. great so now my credit is collapsing.

yesterday, btw, was a real home run. it started with the largest most prestigeous account calling and saying they are so displeased with their shipment that they are cancelling and sending back. not only is this bad, bad financially, but for business, this is the worst that's happened yet. and it was all my fault this time. i sent stuff that wasn't perfect. it had some bad plating and i'm just not accustomed to the perfection and detail expected. i'm more impulsive and fast. i had a great talk with my aunt who started her own biz years ago and she was soothing. great stuff about learning on the job and as the stakes raise the mistakes have more consequences, but that everyone makes huge mistakes and learns and i have to let go of it.

my jaw was clenched all night. at 4a.m. when my pill alarm went off i was dreaming about belts, orders, shipping.

i'm getting sucked in again. we talked about balance.

i'm worried again about all my deadlines. i feel unable to breath because of them.

the real problem i'm having is that this is supposed to be fun. that my aunts comment was, you've gotta love what you do if you are going to do this type of thing. and she said that my second thing i do, the other project, is next to impossible to make money on. even successful people struggle financially with it. and i hate limits, but it's true. it's all possible, but it would take longer to build. i'm getting some income right now. *if* i don't have mistakes like this. that's thousands of dollars.

but the buyer is letting me redo the order and send back. do over. try again. that makes me nervous cuz now i'm trying to tap dance and make someone happy whom i'm not sure i can please. jezuz. my aunt had a good point, that sometime becuz of a bad thing, the way it was handled helped the relationship so much that it turned out positive. then she said she was proud of me, blablabla. i never hear it. i'm hard of hearing, hardly hearing.

:*) shoot, what am i doing, i need to go work. :*)

except pss, that one law suit also called wanting 3,000 in six months. that's an extra $500 payment. i feel so hit this year. so slammed. like i accidentally got stuck in the mosh pit. which brings me to a point, electro describing how the traditional punk moshes went, the way he did it was so fucking hillarious.