 |
|||
|
2005-09-01 - 11:59 p.m. holy shit. i have one more minute in my twenties. like sand ..fuck i couldn't even finish my metaphor ... I'M THIRTY. THIRYT LAKLHTEA;IO WHATTHEFUCK. i'm thirty. right now. i've been screaming all night on my drive down the coast from two clients. screaming out to the ocean air. driving fast. like i want it. like i can't wait to arrive. what iiisss this? i'm actually happy? happy? what? i think i'm just happy because i have the first real non hang over ligit day off!! and i'm being made a fuss over. two things i looovvveeee. i'm so excited. i got so excited i didn't know what to do, so i started to eat cereal. it's the only "treat" i have in the house. i don't even have any booze. i did take a swig off the apple cider vinegar and i'll probably do it again. :*)
tomorrow is the official official. my girls just got mad on me and planned everything. did this hilarious invite and they are even giving away goodie bags to guests. i think they are trying to find a lady to jump out of a cake for me and i hear there's pinata's in the mix. that was a request. half in jest, but i think they are pullin it. holy shit. shit. i'm sooo uncomforatble. gulp. it's too much. their love. i gueess. it's uncomfortable to feel loved. foreign. i guess. i'm so convinced of my persception. i can't stand to see others mirror some value in me. and it's just because i stopped trying to control everything for five minutes and let others have a chance. it's unbearable. i feel like getting shiitty drunk. all krunked up. it's only one day. sunday i'm sure will be a big let down. already projecting.. i'm soo uncomfortable. when i feel too present here. to touched, touchable, wanted in this world, i almost feel most like disappearing. just taking myself away enough. i can't stand and love taking work off. i'm just afraid the sky will fall to my feet. there's so much in the air. i really just can't afford it, but it's ridiculous to work on your thirtieth. my boss is such an ass tho...work slave she is. maybe i'll just dabble in the project. do all the things i love, go to the book store, wonder, buy books, think, look, watch, drink coffee, go for a walk, sleep in. talk to people, take the time to talk. go to my favorite coffee house! my family the italians!! lizard is giving me a facial and bought me a massage at 4.30 and cat and her boy are kidnapping me for dinner. then lizard and i drive to santa b, to sweat in the morning. then we go balls out to get back to LA make myself pretty, then go to my party. i'm just...fuckin a. fuck. cat's been on it, another friend is making the goodie bags, another is doing dirty things i haven't found out about yet, and lizard is helping. wow, my closest friends are nearly all type A's. this is sure to be a fucking storm. they threw it together in four days. tonight i worked on this new couple in malibu and i was thinking, fuck all i want to stop massage. but then 3 hours later i have $300 and my mouth is zipped. she also bought product so i walked with 6 bills. god, to be a woman like that. she just got back from india, a yoga retreat, buys whatever she wants, i was walking down the spiral staircase, thinking if i were her, i'd look at all this and say, "this is mine? are you kidding me?" does anyone feel odd with it? ii know you just get used to it. we were in this stunning hotel in thailand and i even got cabin fever in paradise. it's all perspective. all an inside job. so jumbly, i was laughing last night that you'd appreciate this story... i was feeling frisky and thought of the 24 year old, mentioned him in a sentance next thing you know i'm requesting his presense stat. he was too flattered which was a turn off, then when he arrived, the thought took me, "how drunk was i, he's just not that cute." and if your 24 and don't have much to say, you 'bet be cute. and he's drunk from band rehersal. ohhh boy. i want nothing to do with it and i'm immediately thinkin of all the work i could do instead and if it is rude to pack up stuff to mail while he was standing there. so i placate the situation by opting to put on a flick. that way i could check out and not be expected to get involved in heavy petting. it gets worse. i'm trying to put on the flick, he appologies that he still has his work shoes on. i'm thinking why, i don't give. but then he takes them off and i almost fucking choke. i couldn't breath. he had to remove the feet coffins to the other room, but his actual feet smell almost killed me. i still smelled it this morning. then my dvd in my computer (yes thats how i view anything, i don't have a tv), was getting stuck. i'm panicing,no movie, can't breath, must sleep. i run into the other room and take the rest of my ambien and half a xany. i haven't been able to sleep and there's no fucking way i'm going to make it thro this. i slept like a baby and barely lifted an eye when he left in the morning. poor kid. he kept offering to jump out of my cake. i think he was serious. he made a mention to some halloween costume that involved a thong and sparkles. enough said. i'm done. with. them. cured. i swear it. my scar hurts. it looks worse than ever. hurts even more. i'm thirty. does that mean i have to say that when people ask my age? 30. what does that mean? does it mean i should rush around and mate? i put out an add for the job i'm hiring and this guy who is a professional ice skater replied...what *am*i*doing*wrong? :*) hmmmm now what? i just don't know what to do with myself! i wonder how many coats of fake bake in a bottle it'll take to tan me pretty? i'm guess five. ooo one more thing...i'm visiting my lill P's first college dorm before my sweat lodge. i have a gift basket for her. ooo man, we had a long talk last night and jezuz sometimes life just isn't easy is it? sometimes safety and security is just not a gaurentee. she's already going to junior college which costs the amount of my monthly coffee bill and her mom is in such debt she's selling the house and used all of lill P's savings. all of it. then we thought her dad had the dime down and turns out he didn't tell her how bad his health (MS) was getting. apperently his hospital bills are so much that he had to drop his 200$ contribution down to $100 a month. it's been under a week and she already spent the month. on books and ligit stuff for the most part. then i was thinking, it's my biggest dream of my life to help put her through school, like some far off, when i'm rich dream, when my biz does well. two dreams, help lill P and send my parents on the trip they never got to take. i had the chance to go around the world before they got to go to kansas. recently, i thought, hell, i shouldn't wait for some fantasy big bills to materialize, i can be generous now. so i sent mom and her huz treats, magazines, jewelry. dad a book. and when i was on the phone i told lill p that i'd like to help her monthly, that i can only start with $50, but i'd like to do $100 and more as soon as i feel confident with my biz. she said no way ineb, i'd feel too guilty...i got choked up and started to cry and told her that she's the most important person to me in the world and that along with my parents she's the one person i am to look out for in life and that i've always wanted to do more, to do it all, but this is what i can start with. i told her the only rules are thus: she's not to tell her parents (i don't want them to feel wierd). and she's not too feel wierd or guilty. she's not to feel like she owes me anything, that its a total gift without return. i don't want her to feel like she has to behave with me becuz of money. i hate when people buy control through generousity. it's important for me to have an authentic relationship with her. she's the apple of my eye. i wish i could do more. i'm going to give her at least 150 saturday. a kid needs beer money fer kriss sakes!! i hope i can start to afford 150 every month... all my best to some of my favorite people. so many times this year when i've experienced things, i've thought of you all. connected, waiting to get home and detail it all. unload, unleash, release. shit, i think its been six years. okay, i'm going to go score something to fill the center of me. either a pill, some booze, a book... |
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||