2005-08-30 - 11:54 p.m.

jumbly thank you so much for your entry. you are so sweet. it's scary to be honest, like a ledge to be standing on, nude. thanks for the assurance of being human.

isn't wild, we spend all our time keeping love at the end of our extended arms protecting against what we want, need most...love. fucking love. man. i came back from this trip feeling the acute knowing of why people cut others out. the draw to keep all these people spinning near, but never close. to just never go there. not even with a partner. or somewhere inside deciding that something hurt too much to ever chance feeling that way again. i see it with busy. he got hurt. and same with nearly all of my x's. some woman ruined them and created this insurmountable wall. and me? when was my wall placed, brick by brick. was it dad? mom? was it my first heart breaks, the ones where i was most open and unprotected? solidifying that core belief that i am not worth loving.

the song red red wine came on...wow, ya know, i haven't been drinking so much. with the exception of two blow out nights, one in thailand and one last weekend with a botanist/bassist 24 year old...i've been practically behaved!!

wtf man. lizard and i had our most unearthing talk yet. when we started the conversation, first since the ordeal, we both still held so much emotion, hurt and fierce anger. i didn't know if we'd ever get through it. i didn't know if it wasn't over.

we started to get honest and i asked about the thing about people leaving and she said it was said out of anger. but i really pushed her, i wanted to know if there was something i wasn't getting. at least i should know if i'm running around like a chicken with a sliced off head. she said she said it in part because of feeling threatened about my new friends and that it's her biggest fear and she projected it. but she also said that i do have a real ability to fight. an ability to fight. and that i push people so far and get them to hurt and hurt me, then i get to be the victim. hmmmm. that's a mouthful fer fucks sake. i feel like i've just been accepting, everything...me, them, the lot of it on whole new levels. levels that are breaking me. cracking the egg and everything within is finally letting out.

she also said that she feels like her work isn't valued. man that felt bad. she is a facialist and i guess i haven't taken time to allow some room for her ups and downs and things, importance with her own career. i don't aknowledge anyone elses things. really. i don't know how to see through others eyes. i need to. i do it to cat too and she runs a company. i think that their needs don't exist somehow, like fuck you having to get up early, i want to play tonight! and i won't accept any one elses reality. shit jezuz, my dad is so this way. he suffocates everyone with his singular reality. it's a dynamic one to, one that is froth with colorful, loving, vivacious illusions. so half the time you want to climb along and other times you jsut want to be seen.

i can't believe i do the very things i hated done most to me.

it cracked me a bit. but i also felt grateful for it. for the awareness. the humbling. because it's only in the beating of this heart that i know i'm close to something more important, bigger than myself.

lizard and i both just got so entirely naked about where we were at and it diffused everything that felt insurmountable.

unconsciously, intuitively i was asking myself on this trip whether i was a person who drops and runs or stays and loves. lvoes even after you know the delicate ablity another has to ruin you. i didn't have answers. i felt like it would be james dean powerful for me to stay closed. to keep my life in such perpetual motion that i nearly never land. to keep so many people spinning around that not a soul gets in. it always feels so powerful to be in a position of choice. it's when you really give your heart that you loose pieces of choice. you can't choose what another will do or how it will effect you.

so i guess i'm in it. i guess i'm ready to get tossed around a bit rather than seek out a constant state of levitation just too far from life to be able to touch me.

i've felt so wrecked by the fight with lizard that i haven't felt fuzzy enough to even discuss my bday. i decided to hide. that i wasn't good enough to pull off one friendship, so how dare i let anyone else close. like they'd see right thro me. they'd "know." i'd be exposed. people wouldn't show.

but i might of mentioned, cat cornered me and said i'd be near devastation if i did nothing on the night of my bday.

the night of my thirtyth. true. i'd really have to hurt myself to forget. it'd take a lot of jack. heavy sedatives in the name of self protection.

the wierdest thing is happening.
i'm letting go, argueably for one of the first times in my life with the exception of the surgury and even then i was in control even under general anethesia, giving folks topics to discuss then fading off once i thought conversation was in motion. i hated silence. since i'm letting go, not from some sage place, from total surrender and "i give man. i give," people are showing up. taking up space. letting me know their care through action i guess. cat is a plannin', another friend said she has some dirty ideas for the night. which is frightening. lizards getting in. they are all taking over. and i'm *letting* it. fuck all. i'm enjoying it. firstly, i don't have a single synapse extra to think it through, second, it feels so good to throw my hands up on this rollercoaster, close my eyes and just feel the sensations.

and what i've decided is contrary to everything i know about myself....i'm letting it be totally imperfect. normally i'd come in and make all the calls, do it *exactly* as i want it all...and let nothing fall to the side, totally self conscious on how it turns out, how it seems. and i jsut don't give man. i don't care if three loving people come and bring me a half dead plant from the 99cents store and give me a big hug. i don't care if its a dress up, dress down, and get undressed completely. i'm jsut goign to let it be exactly as it is, in whatever disasterous form it lands. let the brilliance of being human shine.

i'm quietly flattered that they care and are taking over. it's so uncomfortable.

the hardest part for me will be taking the two days off. ya know i just took days off, so i can't totally afford the luxury of letting deadlines slip. but i'm goign to try and let up on the day of, the second. and that night lizard and i are supposedly going to santa barbara to stay because the next day i'm doing another sweat lodge near there. mysteriously enough, he hasn't had one in months and months, and now out of the blue, he's doing it on my weekend. i cant' pass it up. and we did it last year on my day. "my day." haha. i'm ready for lessons, and there always are some. also little P is on her first week at college up there and i want to drop by this big care package. i'm so prowd of her. i love her limitlessly. or the closest i'll get.

so today was fucking nuts. uckfing utsnay. i couldn't sleep until five a.m. for fucks sake. this jet lag. then i slept till one thirty in the day and missed half the boat i was supposed to sail that day. i was so behind. and then yet another mistake my girl made came in. she has made several, on major accounts, and i've had orders cancelled because of it. i think two. there was about five mistakes on orders just this last time around. we already had a big conversation and basically i said what is going on, i'm not giving you a bonus under these circumstances and you need to explain and basically she said she doesn't have the energy to give to the biz that it needs and quit. which is good. i want black or white, no grey. i felt she was on the fence and the biz is taking a bit hit because of it. i spent *the day* cleaning up after her. and these hours she's makign mistakes are hours i pay her for. i pay for mistakes. but i'm takign respons. for my part, whihc is, i gave her wayyyy too much too soon. i'm way too trusting, overwhelmed, so i handed over everything. she's shipped for me without me even seeing the merchandise. so it's my fault everything she sent was wrong, overcharged, missing....
she has a book of my checks she signs, my cc number. i trust her with everything. and she's trustworthy, but it's not her business, she doesn't have to care like i do.

i feel really good about making some hard decisions and moving ahead, learning. but this couldn't come at a worse time. with the other project due, i really do need someone to take over. i don't need to now try and find "the" person to replace her, then train the fuckerr......and then wait to see if even they work out. would if the next person is worse? hmmm.

i've decided the worst case senario is that i will have to scale back the business until the other project is done, and do more massage. at least i know i can humbly support myself no matter what. i want to just be able to delegate to free myself up, but if there's one thing i learned is that i can't hand off too much. so here the fuck i am. what am i worried about obsession over guys, my heart, my bday, my wrinkles, my non existant elasticity of the breasts, i have no time to worry. no money to worry. i've got to do nothing but hit the pavement, move ahead and be as humanly good to myself as possible along the way.

that is something, this trip gave me space to see how nuts i've been. not eating till 7pm? crazy. manic. off my rocks. to the ceiling. i just can't.

i feel different, but i hope i can retain it in the face of the list.

last night was one of the most humbling two hours i've had in a while. i was at yoga for the first time in 5 or 8 months. i used to do it at least weekly. i was good and remembering that with every move i now could barely make it thro. i had to stop after seconds into each pose. i was shaking. sweating ballsack. and the perfect people around me were rocking it out. ooo having to be humble, imperfect. to fall down. no really, i kept falling too. piss. the guy adjusted me a couple of times. it was all very amusing. it was a class that ended at midnight.

hmm. i think i've rattled on long enough.

no matter the unrolling of the years, i'm still just that little girl that has sooo much to say, the little girl people said could talk someones ear right off.:*)