2005-08-29 - 10:42 a.m.

good morning. i am so tired. jetlag is killing me. i want to stay up all night and sleep all day. i was deep in REM this morning, climbing the horizontal creast of a crystal blue wave on a long thin sail boat with a group of people when my alarm went off. i snoozed for the fastest 12 minutes of my life. felt like a brief breath.

the relativity of time.

i'm a little depressed about the extremity of my life. i'm not sure the trip was worth it. it was incredible, but it's like getting lifted up only to be dropped. was the high worth it? is it ever? always. but the come down is as painful as was the high incredible.

i'm a little nervous about work. uncomfortable with the girl working with me. not with her, with me managing her. it's one of the hardest parts of the job. managing my own expectations and managing how to get her to do her best. it's so easy to watch a boss/ manager i'd have in the past and know immediately what they are missing or what could be better.

i'm also feeling very upset about lizard. the thing she said that hurt like knives was that people are disappearing. saying or implying that some point she was making about my personality was the reason people were leaving. some great exodous. i was blown away. flattened. there is nearly nothing one could say that could touch a more sensitive place in me. that is my greatest fear of course, loosing people. and when i was younger it happened all the time. and i've always been accused of having so much anger or a slight fuse, so some friends were afraid to ever confront me. but the thing that hurts the most is, this is the one area of my life i've been sure of for years now. my friendships, not only the depth and bredth but the amount of friends. the widening circle. i don't see what she apperently is seeing. now as i'm speaking this, i'm wondering if its was just the thing she pulled out in anger. as if to level me off. when you are that close and that hurt/angry i can see saying the one thing that would cut the most. i know she's felt threatened by my new friends. i know cat and her have had wierdness over their proximity to me. that's assuming a lot i know and it's feels wierd to say, but it could be a part of it. but there is some reason she said it and the only friend i can think of that i've lost is her roommate, which by the way i lost sticking up for HER. and he isn't someone i respect greatly so i've never wanted to repair that situation. then there's mta. but that was fueled with grey areas and sex as friends. so you can't easily touch that. then there's two close friends that are sober that i'd been close to years ago that i've grown apart from. they are much older than me, one now with baby/house/husband. i feel like i did change so much so that there just wasn't as much binding between us. it felt natural. i still love them, would throw my arms aroudn them if i ran into them, but they aren't a part of my daily thing. evolution. change. morphing. i needed it. it was my conscious choice. so again, here i am wondering hand over heart, holding it together, curious about who she is accusing me of loosing.

i have so much work to dive into. but all i want to do is call her and pick at this wound.

i have had to make a business decision today to put off taking on this extra special thing. it would help my biz, but it's an extra monthly fee. a fee they cut more than in half for me, but it's still something i'm not ready for. because if i take it on, then i have double the amount of work and a constant increase on overhead. i'm afraid to be a big girl and have the conversation, as i've already verbally committed to them. i'm feeling so incredibly shy about it. but i know exactly what feels right inside.

in general, i'm just so afraid of slipping right back into the same insanity i left. i feel like i'm relaxed, i have perspective and i want to hold onto it. but then i look at the set up, what is real about my business and life and i feel uncertain i can do anything differently. it's like getting into a boiling pot of water and saying, no this time i'll keep it cool. i won't sweat. what i need to do is turn down the temperature of the entire pot.

i still haven't talked to busy. we did that bit of phone tag, but i miss him. i spent every waking moment tangled up in him and now am feeling the great draft. i'm feeling more whole than before, like i don't need as much, but my heart physically just feels like it hurts. heart ache is real. my cheast feels pressed.

aaaa, what i'd give to go back to sleep. i want to put my head deep into the sand today. i don't want to be present, i don't want to make these calls and fake enthusiasm. i wish i could have it. i wish i could have that bounce back outgoing energy. but i feel the angst of being overwhelmed. maybe i'm afraid i'll say it all wrong. won't get what i need. maybe if i let go of having to do it all perfect, i'll let myself just do it. how does one change everything about their thinking? patterns? myths? how do i just make the healthy changes? i wonder if there's a time in life at which you are fully baked and change is next to impossible. of course we can find some chicken soup for the soul examples of many people changing at all ages. like my mom. she's gone through a revolution.

i guess the first step has to be awareness. then belief.

:*)