2005-09-02 - 2:45 p.m.

you guys, i'm having the worst day of my life right now. on a scale of one to ten of crabby i'm at a nine. feeling like piss. like shit. like hell. like hurt.

like expectations. allllll my fucking expectations robbing me of life. of joy.

again.
and again.

the only thing mildly amusing is my fat cat sitting in my drawer next to me. i'm so pissed.

i once again couldn't sleep until 3.30 or whatever in the night mroning and just woke up at 2pm. kept having nightmareish dreams about each person i heard on my answering maching this morning calling to wish a "happy" birthday. i hate sleeping late. hate.

i hate sleeping till two now it's three and i had to do some work haven't had coffee. havent' gone to the book store, haven't done a god damn thing i would like and i still have one more work emergency. and then i got a flower delivery and that pissed me off. what as asshole. both my dad and brother near forgot it was even mu fucking bday so they panic, brother calling two days ago asking what i want, i told nothing. i don't like the sense of have to. i'd like it to be a want to asshole. so i told him if he has to to donate money to charity in my biz name. but i feel like they both forgot and just rushed around to waste money on flowers that will die in three days. i feel like the two men in my life are out to fucking lunch and i'm still so hurt about my brother and how much he doesn't get how much he hurt me. amazing. i was in such a good mood last night. and then also i found out i actually don't turn 30 till tonight. i got the math mixed up. anyway. happy fucking birthday to me.

can you believe i'm this down on myself? this crabby. i just wnat to cry. does xanax that you don't even have the benefit of feeling the night before but help you sleep slightly make you feel like you hate yourself and life the next day???? i'm feeling so incredibly ich and the i don't like the place cat is taking me tonight, they eat crickets at this place, i'm an eater, so basically i'll be starving myself tonight.

i just don't know what will turn this around. jezuz. i'll start with coffee, if i even can make it there in time. then maybe i don't fucking know.