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2005-08-23 - 12:48 a.m. hi-fucking-larious. i've gotten into trouble again. i can't recite, you'll have to pull details from my email to cat. basically i accidentally was forced to read all of his emails. i'm still laughing, my jaw is now just rejoining my face. unbelieveable. ---------------------- why are the gods of coinsidence so on me? you know i'm inherently a self admited snooper? weelllll i come up to check my email (and this is all in the strictest girls first policy, hope that is okay) and busy's account was still logged on. and i couldn't resist. holy fuck. my jaw is still dropped to the ground. he kept saying you are the only person i could of taken on this trip. which i think means, the only one he could enjoy and not enjoy too much so he could do work and trust that i love my work enough to do my own thing. and apparently that's enough to go on to take someone allll the way to thailand. but i have to say, i've tossed the why of it over in my head several times. first thinking he has a twinkle for me, as limited as he is. but actually since we've been here, i'd say not really. i think every now and then, as you said, he can slip into romanticism and ponder wanting to be with the smart equal cuz all of the sudden he pops up and asks if i want children. which i know is code for, can you manage to be in something with me and not take it too seriously, not want to go there? cat, thank god for selfish absorption becuz if i wasn't truly here for all my own selfish reasons i'd be crushed after reading his emails. and yes i did read almost all of them. next thing i write is going to be a snoopers guide to life and debauchery. he's a nutter this one. i know he's out of his skin, but *come on*. since we've been here he's promised to bring a few other females on email here. said to the icelandic one that everythings perfect except for her not being here and she's the only one he'd want to be here with or something. then there was the lies about where he was and never saying with whom. it's a riot. it makes me really sad for all these girls that write him and seem to hang on his next correspondence or drop of attention. i hate to say this, but i can't believe a female friend actually introduced me to him in that way. and you are sterling. sterling. 24 karat. becuz you wouldn't let go of the truth and that took courage and i appreciate you. wow. that's what a real girl friend is. not that i was "going here" with him in any authentic way, but you were truthful with me and would of helped me if i had the pure lunacy to do so. he just can't be in his skin for five minutes. and he's been wierd. first it was uber bonding, fever, pulling me in. then a distance and work consumption and now it's like a fraternal cabin fever. but it's also been odd cuz he hasn't even wanted to have sex almost at all. which is good and keeps things clear, but on an egotistical way, it's an insult. what a great lesson in forcing spoonfuls of reasoning with myself that it has to do with him and not me. that it doesn't have to do with me not being pretty or intriquing enough. he even makes commments about how i might look, and then appologizes for not doing anything about it, sluffing it off on his fever or work. i haven't said a thing. the only reason i would is for clarification and ego. but that's my work now isn't it? i don't *need* anyone to validate me if i can just do the work myself. so this is wierd, becuz as a friendship, things are still so on the up. we had an incredible, frank talk just this morning. it's helped me in my own thing in a few ways. but i'm feeling very clausterphobic at the moment becuz of the proximity physically and the knowledge of dirty laundry. thank jezuz i've gotten a lot of work done. and replenishment. this is by far one of the wierder boats i've lept onto. now that i know how black and white it is for him, or how grey, i want to go to town and meet some hot italian. i felt that would of been rude otherwise, but now i'm really thinking it's not. hehe. but i'm diving at 7.30a.m. and i can't wait for that!! it's my first half day off of writing. then i'll write the rest and get a seven dollar massage. yes, i'm sorry seven dollars. we'll tally this whole thing up later and see if it's worth seven dollar massages! i think i'll finally go out tomorrow night (we haven't gone out once. can you believe that??) and we'll/i'll go out in bangkok and then in hong kong! not so bad. but wow. i just need to stay focused. |
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