2005-08-24 - 12:11 p.m.

ooo shit. i got attacked by a killer fish yesterday. i nearly died of laughter 20 meters deep. it was truly one of the funniest things you'd see in your life.

last night busy and i dropped e. first night out. we went biggish. there were italians. two fabio's. and then i met one of the 'ones'. one of the great fits of your life. we stood there and confered till 5.30a.m. it was intense. he has a gf. one that doesn't challenge, dip into what emotionally he can. we had one of those,'okay your a total stranger, so i can bare it all, be totally honest, received." i told him i'd never kiss him cuz of the respect. i liked who he was and didn't want to violate what he has or how he'd feel about himself the next day. he said that in meeting eachother we now know there must be more of us. i don't think i'll ever find it. but i know more and more just what it might feel like. i feel like putting an apb out for J in liverpool. amazing. he just walked away from it. no exchange of contact info. it was interesting. dramatic. hard to explain. sounds silly in the retelling. as busy said, could be the drugs. could be the truth. truth intoxicates you more than any drug could.

we didn't make our flight. we are leaving at 7a.m. tomorrow. i feel horribly guilty cuz he finished his deadline but i haven't mine. mines much thicker in scope. i feel bad for taking two days off. but you allll know if i were in LA i'd loose many days to the habit of my life. so two in paradise can't be that bad. i want to run into J again. i won't. i won't yearn for it. i'm lettin it pass. trying to trust. been stuck here with honeymooners all week. watchiing what it could be like. watching what love looks like. how love touches.

i wonder if i'll ever get there?

till then, i'm going to go lay out. swim. get a massage. tortured i tell you. :*) how will i ever transition back into my life i left that slightly resembles a state of hell?

how?

i feel like i have to do it all differently. i feel like i have to finally change my rhythms if i'm going to survive. :*)

miss u. could you write me? i feel lonely.