2005-08-21 - 11:53 p.m.

no need to worry, he promptly pulled away too. and then reminded me in about five subtle ways of his unavailability. too bad, he's pretty cool when he's present. but i realize it took a hundred degree fever to get him to slow down long enough to co-exhist.
like *i'm* one to talk.

we didn't go to that island party. first adult decision either of us made in our lives. i had a fever and knew i was here to work, not to run off to some amatuer night. we had a very crabby night last night but tonight was sweet. 7 dollar 90 minute massages. yes. it's true. and i'm so happy i did a major chunk of the project. today is the first day i made major progress.

updates: lizard wrote some soft appology note. it really has to simmer between us, that was our worse fight to date. i certainly don't want to mix it up. thx jezuz i'm half around the world right now. wow. that's nice to say. i'm around the world. how strange. it's all relative, i could of been drugged, blindfolded and told i'm anywhere in the world. tomorrow we are writing, i got some clothes tailored for very cheap. i pick up tomorrow. there is all this great luxury and fun, but i've got to start getting my head to the ground again. i have to talk to busy about the money. we put the whole thing on my plastic cuz i had a limit and he hadn't been paid. he just got paid, so his assistant was going to deposit money into my account. but it's all mixed up and i don't know how to talk to him about it. thx god he's easy to talk to about it tho. but i just have way too much pride to tell him the truth of it, that i'm probably bouncing checks across america if that doesn't get done asap. i just don't want to deal.

in other news, he hasn't wanted to have sex nearly at all. which is strange. he's never been like this w/ me. he said it happens all the time and has to explain to the gf or whatever. i guess it has something to do with being on work mode. about having been sick. we did once. which was nice. see once someone withdraws it, it makes me ca-razzy. i thought it'd be the other way aroudn. but it's made me really feel upside down, having to fight for some ground...ei. to not take it personally and say to myself it's cuz i'm not cute enough or thin enough or tan enough or exotic enough or model enough or whatthefuckeva' cuz he does mention the attraction of women all the time. i know i know. it's a peculiar situation. as we know, it's all im up for, this psuedo dating friendships froth with complications. i'm usually cool with it, but sometimes i get snagged and for no particular reason, because its clear to me he's not who i want for a partner. it's absolutley perfect just where it is, but i still want to pontificate and torture myself over the why of too many things. it may have to do with his limitations. maybe when he's too fraternal or the girls too real, too near, too initimate, it's just impossible for him. i think this is it. there are all these honeymooners here. it's hillarious. all romantic and every morning and all day we have our jacked ass computers out working. i'm excited to go to hong kong. i love seeing new places. i'm shocked he and i haven't gotten all alcoholic on this land. we of all people have the potential, particularly combine fer kriz sakes. work-aholism prevails.

i'm a little freeked about anything any surprises waiting for me when i come home. you know how hard that is. and i don't know how i'll fund the next round of production. god help me that i get enough checks in to cover the next go. our sales on the last show were lower than the first. only shy by two bills, but i was disappointed. i guess we sold well considering how slow it was. oooo my. i hope you are well. i think i'm going to go back and torture my friend about whether i'm not pretty enough or something. it's too peaceful...must cause drama. :*)

be well.
hey, i'll get a massage for you.