2005-08-20 - 1:55 p.m.

hey.
i'm having a very funky day. busy had gotten sick. so i had been caring for him. which was really fun actually. we stayed in one night and ordered room service and had to have a doctor come. it had been so tender and soft. i really didn't expect this. such bonding. i thought we'd just party, write and play. and instead we've been just together and writing. gettting really close. and it felt amazing. the suspended feeling. i can't articulate it. but yesterday i checked my email and los angeles started to surge back into my blood and for some reason reality just hit me. self protection. and now i've distanced myself. last night i took a xan and drank and swam out into the ocean. i just wanted to force the feelings away. and now today i'm really distant and sad. i know this can't go anywhere and it'll all change the minute we land. so how do i let myself sink into something that i know i'll have to pull myself back from.

i have no idea what he's thinking. maybe he'll just want to continue with the closeness. but he's said unequivically that he has no room for anyone needing anything from him . and that he feels good with me cuz i'm the same. as busy, as much a protagonist in my own story as a him.

but now in this self protective black and white way, i can't get back to the tenderness. he knows somethings wrong and that i won't talk about it. he wrapped his arms around me and said i'm sorry your having a bad day. i think i'll jsut wait for it to pass. i'm afraid i'll exasserbate it. afraid that when we go to this island party tonight i'll let it all errupt and start something. say something. he's not comfortable with confrontation or expectation. i just have been floored, shocked at how natural and good being, really being with him has been. snuggling, tenderness, conversation. our pace, rhythms are nearly exactly the same.

i feel like an idiot. for being here and having an off day. i'm also fighting off a cold. for running off. yes i am doing the work project all day every day, but i feel as if it's never never never enough. i'm not getting enough done. can't move, do fast enough. and i feel very dissatisfied with my business. i feel like my girl is fucking up all these orders. it's going *okay*, but so far from perfect. billing people wrong, sending the wrong pieces. what the fuck. i pay her to be on top of it god damn it. where is her head. every time i think she's got the ball and i'm glad to have her as it feel impossible to train someone else, then i feel like a few brand new mistakes roll in. and i don't know if i'm being hard on her and expecting perfection or if she really is making a mess of it. it's frustrating to be away and feel as if my business might be falling apart. and whats more is that i don't feel like doing the business anymore. today i just got discouraged. i just feel like it's too difficult. theres always problems with manufacturing, with buyers, with the girl. why try? why. to not even feel sure how healthy the return is. god damn. where ever you go, there you are. i just don't feel like going to this party tonight, i feel like working and watching movies and i know i'll go just to make him happy. maybe i'll jsut go and come back earlier than him. i just can't stay in the center of this intimacy, i'm too afraid to like it. to afraid for when i'll loose it. so i don't want it at all. and the truth of that is killign me.