2005-08-16 - 7:45 p.m.

this is by far one of the most surreal dreams i've ever lived.

today, a 14 hour flight to hong kong, a two hour layover, a flight to bangkok and a three hour layover (which i have to admit wasn't too difficult after buying the cheapest costing xanax in record, having a tiger beer and getting an amazing massage) and then another flight. on the flight we were stuck in the very last row of the entire jet bus that is supposed to maintain altitude against all logic otherwise. we had the whole row, so half the night we were feet to feet with legs intersecting, tangling, morphing. the other half we were in each others arm horizontally across the small seats. there was no room for error. i started the night chasing off the horrid scortching memories of the hours previous with a few starter kava kavas , which kept seemed to be injesting themselves in me periodically throughout the night. then i moved to half an ambien. two rum and cokes. let's see, no that was half a vicadin and i think a whole ambien, and then busy and i took a break from attempts at sleep for some qt time in the bathroom. then somewhere in there i feel like i was lightly hoovering on the rooftop, which was pleasant, but turned gently into a nautia.

nautia btw, is something i've never experienced previous to the stress of my job and my surgery.

so i went to the bathroom and threw up. then i felt great. at the very back of a bus plummeting through the air you are close to the engines and feel every bump possible like your riding out a hurricane. i nearly had a panic until said pharmacological mixology started to kick.

i have to back up. because it is killing my heart right now.

i'm feeling very strange. like your reading this and saying wtf. like i'm feeling from myself a big, "how dare i" hanging over my head. how dare i dabble my toe in the pool of deserving *this*. i feel embarrassed to even talk about it. but i'm also feeling so comfortable with you readers, friends, that i feel like i can be specific-ish.

i went into this trip with a world war in my mind about the how dare i's coming at me like a splatter of accusational bullets.

how dare i.

it's so heavy on me right now. and the crux of why is because holy hell broke loose between lizard and i just before i left.

and we left it bad. like the aftermath of a torrential storm, you just can't possibly repair the damage in an hour.

or a day.

maybe months.

and i feel this crushing, eating away at me tonight.

i'm so hurt that she hasn't written me an email. we've fought before, but this had a different severing. she said some things that i'm not sure i'll ever be able to let go of. forget. begin to forgive.

i am a stubborn, sensitive, protective, combative human being that gaurds myself well with the tride defenses of anger.

and gee wiz did i get angry.
and shit yes did she say things that felt like slices at my jugular.

it went down like this;
i'm manic. you might of gotten that by now. i got slightly overloaded as i neared my tradeshow deadline and the leaving of the country hour of departure. i guess i rely on her too much as the emergency b team. i asked first if she'd take care of my cats (as i tried hard, but couldn't find anyone else). she put her foot down for one of the first real times ever and said she'd prefer not to. so i dug up the graves and unearthed someone else to take care of the fatties. then i asked if she could drive me to the airport, she balked until we went rounds to figure it out to her convenience, then i ended up finding another ride. so here i am, hours from departure, threeish hours of sleep and still stupid amounts of stuff to get done.

granted, i put most of the stuff on myself.

got it. manic. understood.
don't know how to switch that off within myself quite yet. it tears at me enough, without others putting billboards about it in front of me. but i called for her to put aside a half hour before i left to help me out. again she acts like i'm asking her to leave a shift at the er during open heart. she merely had plans/non plans with her bf. it was such a struggle that i finally said in a slightly pissed off way, forget it. i'll do it all myself, i'll drive my car down to repair myself and walk home when i'm supposed to be on a plane in several hours.

then all of the sudden fire ignites the stem of a stick of dynamite and an explosion like nothing i've ever seen between us errupts.

all of the issues we usually flirt with, but get borred of and end up in truce just because we rather be jelly together come up.

the essense of it was to her that i was projecting my guilt onto her and that's it's bullshit i'm not to treat her like some "bitch" as she said and that i need to look at my part and here was the piece that i'll never be able to relinquish into the olive branch of make nice, "that's why everyones disappearing."

i say, "huh? what are you talking about."

"that's why everyones left, why you've been loosing friends."

then she gets protective over the bomb she dropped and wouldn't say who or what the fuck she was referencing.

this is an extremely sensitive subject. with my past hurts of rejection and that whole hurt over the college girls and the core inner feeling that i'm not good enough to even have friends or talented enough to keep them. so i was fucking devasted and all my most untemperate verbage tore a path of destruction before me. i said that she's the most selfish fucking human being i've ever met in my entire life and i never want to speak to her again.

we both made this threat in a few colorful forms in the conversation.

here's my take on it. i am pissed, i feel like she can be the most obsorbed human being i've met. it's the times i've been most raw, or most useless that she just triggers something and goes for the fucking juggular. like when i came back from nyc crushed by the rejection of the project i fought for non stop for months. she just talked endlessly, obsorbingly about her stupid fucking drama with her x/current/x/current who becomes an x monthly. as if it was some rich brand new drama. and now, i had been running on fumes, sleepless, and i had not even the time or the thought to eat a thing and it was seven p.m. she knew all of this and couldn't for a second have the wisdom or care to say, gee, ineb is pissing me off, or asking to much of me or whatever her fucking trip was and say, i think i'll just say something gentle and get off the phone and tell her off later when she's had some sleep. this is where i feel her to be the most obsessive, obsorbed human being, to not only get into it, but tear it down worse than ever ever before. hours before i'm leaving the country, right when i don't have ten minutes to even call my best liill P to say good bye or even tell her where i'm going. which also devastated me.

i'm just so hurt by the selfishness, and as usual, my biggest trigger got pulled; getting blamed. then she had the fucking cockeyed vision to say that she didn't at all see her part and she kept on tearing into me. about how twisted i was, which is actually something i know she feels about herself, it's something both her x's have called her and she was devastated by it. i didn't get into all i could of said, like how i think how she's treated her x is inhumane and beyond hurtfully selfish laced with sugary, therapized justifications. i didn't go there, i hinted at how much more i could say, so she knows its there, but i didn't go that far.

it just got so bad. both of us screaming at the top of our lungs, hanging up, making threats. embarrassing.

i do think at the start, i was worn down and putting too much on myself and expecting everyone to pull together to save me again. which is a bad habit. but fuckin a, she was my best friend and if i can't ask a favor of a best friend who is up the street then wtf is there? and i think she just pulls some really bad triggers for me. different people do at varying extents. the seed is within me, and i'm the one that needs to weed it, but i also think that it's great exaserbated by the situation or person.

and now i'm seriously doubting our friendship.

i'm so hurt. to be told everyones leaving, like she knows something i don't. and she never has said anything like that, so i feel like she really does know something i don't. but the only person i can possibly think of in that situation is her titewad roomate who she bitches about constantly. and who by the way i had a thing about becuz i was defending *her*.

but yes, we can clearly all get the fuck on the ineb just can't do it right gravey train. i'm too angry, too stubborn, too whatever. but god damn did that hurt. i want to demand to know who the fuck else she's refering to that i'm so in the pitch black over. i literally can't come up with anyone. and whats more, i've been making new friendships. cat's newish and this other one i've mentioned. and they're pretty rich at heart. we've dipped pretty deep, and i'm the one always introducing her to all these people. so where exactly is this great friendship exodis?

where?
cuz i must really be asleep at the wheel, and to be honest with you, i'd actually love to be enlightened. i'd like to know if i'm really running everything into the ground that bad.

so to put a bottomline on this, i didn't want to enjoy this trip, i ran myself down, i got snagged by her senselessness and i grabbed the opportunity to do what i know, which is fight. my family growing up used to have knock downs before every single time we went away. i told her that as a way to break into an appology for my fightability, but she went straight for, "oh, stop, everyones got fucked up families, stop, you've always got soemthing going on." okay. true, so that means somehow i can't be human? so now i'm feeling the tearing sensation of anger. i'm here in literal postcard paradise. an opportunity of an entire lifetime. no kids, love who i'm with and all i have to do this entire time is do the few things i love most. and here i am riddled with hurt and ferocious anger.

way to rip myself off of this.

and the anger feels primal. like a cocaine hit, where you jsut can't stop. i just can't talk myself down from how intense this feels. i can't just put my weapons down. i want to write a well crafted guilt enducing email that will, "make her see her ways." and yet i know that will just keep me embroiled in the quicksand.

now just for kicks, this correspondence happened with mta: (his response which i just read following)

my message
------------------------------
hey.i got your message.
>
>i leave sunday late night. not a book tour i haven't
>even finished the book. thailand hong kong. writing
>trip with a friend.
>
>talley i gotta say. i'm upset. hurt would be more
>specific. and i'm just going to say what i can here
>cuz life is short. unfortuneately a lot of it i can't
>talk to you about, which i had hoped to.
>
>most of all i'm pissed at myself, so don't worry, your
>just mixed in with how much at the bottom of it i'm
>upset at myself. at treating myself the way i did.
>that just wasn't natural for me. i wasn't there. i
>was pretty crushed about that. selfishly, i wish we
>were close enough to talk about it.
>
>talley i feel like there's nothing i can tell you that
>you don't already know, but just to state the obvious,
>i was pissed off that you suddenly didn't want to talk
>sund then didn't care to call after. wtf talley are
>you kidding me, you put up such a show with your true
>feelings confessional and then you can't even stand up
>for it. or respect me enough as a friend to talk
>about it. you talked quite a talk to then be so
>casual. and to be honest, i just roll with much, my
>life is too full to think so much about this, but i
>had thought, hey, i'd like to hang out with him, kiss
>him. ride it out. i had feelings. i know my feelings
>were strong becuz i like u and felt an intensity, but
>also becuz it taps into this old habit that has to do
>with me and my shit.
>
>i don't know what to sya. i don't want to let you go.
>i really like/enjoy you. but it's not okay. i'm not
>okay with how i treated me, or how you treated me. so
>we're both fired.
>
>i wish i could have some resolution on how i feel
>about that night, but i think that's my thing. if you
>have something real to say i'm open, i don't want to
>shut you down, but if you are just tredding more to
>make excuses for where you are at( which i've never
>blamed) then please spare me that. don't leave
>messages on my voice mails while i'm gone my assistant
>is checking them. i don't have your number and i
>won't be calling. i'm really disappointed it has to
>hang in the air like this, i hate grey area, but i'm
>really pissed you couldn't lift a finger after all
>your talk to discuss it sund or call all this fucking
>week talley. are you kidding me? i know you jsut
>can't, you freek out. but what the fuck were your
>intentions? did you want something between us? cuz
>that's one hell of a way to play it both ways and
>destroy the ligitimacy of anything you'd said.
>
>don't beat yourself up about this. that's just a
>waste, but ya know, i hope you at least look at it.
>my feelings are hurt. i don't want to engage with you
>again.

HIS RESPONSE. (THIS WAS TO US AFTER YEARS OF NOTHING BUT AN INTENSE WIERDNESS HAVING SEX AND HIM BLOWING ME OFF, THEN SAYING HE'D CALL AND NOT...ALLLLLL WEEK LONG! EVEN WHEN HE KNEW I'D BE LEAVING FUCKING TOWN. I HATE HIM.)

I didn't get this e-mail until now, monday morning. But
obviously
i suspected you were upset after I didn't hear back from you. I don't
know
if you'll be checking your e-mail on your trip so I won't write too
much
here. There are some pretty strong words and character accusations
below
but I'm not going to address them in an e-mail and risk inciting more
grey
area and confusion. I know you don't need that on your trip when you'll
want
a clear mind for writing. I'd prefer to talk it out when you return
despite
not knowing the connotation of your words "fired" and "engage". Does
that
mean you never want to see or talk to me again? I guess I'll find out
when
you return. Since you didn't tell me when that date is and since i'm
not
supposed to call and since you don't have my number, I suppose all I
can ask
is that you let me know when you're back so that we get back on the
same
page - not to put that lightly in a cliche, but I'm not sure where you
want
to go from here so I can only wait for your reponse. I hope you have a
great time and that we can resolve this when you return. It would be a
shame to end our relationship (in any capacity) on this note.

------------------------------------------

SO WHAT Do i do?

about all of this?
can i authentically put it all to rest and get zen-centered and get to work. let it all float away with the island breeze and enjoy all of this? enjoy all of this when i feel like a very bad, angry, punishable person?

my closest advisor reminded me that just becuz i had a fight doesn't make me bad, and doesn't require me to go off on a self tear. another advisor, who didn't even know what happened, stopped to remind me how amazing my life is and how i need to step out and see it. how she can feel how i am blind.

i am.

i feel blind. i feel like i can't take this luxury in, like i have to violently cut myself off with the most insiduous of tools.

so. how. to. forgive. how to forgive when i was born the most stubborn firey red breed irish woman to cross the torch at ellis.

advisor said i have to start with being good to myself. forgive myself. i think at the heart of this, i'm broiled with anger at how addicted to the habit of anger. angry at anger. goregous. i'm ashamed as hell to have any relation that has perameters wide enough to speak to eachother as we did.

i'm embarrassed and yet i'm also so entirely stuck in how angry i am and how i feel she is so wrong. so obsorbed and now i feel so terminally at float being here so far away with no communication but this fissure before us that feels like an insurmountable canyon. and to boot she had said that now she's fucked for my bday which happens just weeks upon my return. that she'll get blamed for not pulling it together cuz she won't after this hell storm. i'm turning thirty. sorta big i'm told. no plans for that, and i certainly don't want to celebrate now.

i just feel so much pressure to perform and finish my project on this trip. it's absolutely my only time to do so. thank god busy is also obsessed and on a life or death deadline. we are even staying outside of town. i won't feel at all okay if i don't come back with progress. it's either that, or i give back the upfronted money from the project and i walk out of the room my my head low and tail between my legs.

so. forgiveness. how do i start with me. i think it's a decision. i think it's a proactive, foreign, naked choice. i think i just have to do what goes against my inner juggernauting sensation and choose to let my life be good. calm. resolute. always changing. not breaking under the change. treating myself well. others well. treating others well carves out the space to believe i'm okay. becuz right now in this aftermath, i don't feel like a good person, a nice person or a person worth the luxury of whats before me.

i think i need to appologize to the best of my ability. it's amazing how much my anger suffucates the simple truth from me.

robs me of everything while it feels like a protection from everyone.

okay. i need to go craft some letters. since the wwIII outbreak, i haven't wanted to eat much. as if that adorable way to punish myself will even last. even in my most insane a chocolate cake is always a better sentance to starvation.

i just don't *get* anorexia. i get why, i just don't get how. otherwise i might just be a barely living bag of bones at this moment.

so here's the plan. i'm going to write some well crafted notes to L and to MTA. i'm going to do my best and then put down my weapons and start making some choices. i'm choosing elongation. i'm going to choose to attempt to stay in the truth.