2005-08-13 - 1:44 a.m.

so honestly, i'm leaving the country on sunday night at midnight and i'm the absolutely last to believe it. i think intuitively something will fall to a horrid fate and prevent this great act of luxury.

so i'm barely thinking about it. not even ggetting excited. i'm going back to thailand. i know how excessive is that???

busy offered to pay the tix. entirely wierd. either the most generous or slightly crushed around. he's very generous and impulsive and out of his skin just enough to want to run away.

and keep on running.

which suits me.

i went to my tradeshow today and it was overwhelming. i felt the pressure of competition and of others making better stuff. it's such a shark infested industry. tough. and i just ran my numbers and have really no way to pay for play once in thailand. and that's the part i'm supposed to cover, the once we're there part. jezuz. what . am. i thinking? really. but it's a working trip. we are both working several hours a day. i hope. anyway. i'm so spent. i've been on deadline manic brain. i hate when i get so manic. i overspend on sampling and immmediacy. i hate it. i feel like i'm bleeding money. my fucking girl spends like i am trust funded. which i'm not. at all. she's pressing my last nerve really. i have to face it when i return. i like her, but there are kinks. i'm afraid that i'm running a deficeit on a constant. i'm afraid that everytime i turn i need to take out another ten to front the mania/sampling/production. which isn't how it seems on paper. my profit margin is actually quite high, but i think my overhead and emergency spending is also off the charts. i'm just not sure i'm breaking even or if i'm driving this whole ship under. i have no idea cuz there is constant flow in and out on pretty neck breaking speeds. which reminds me, massages in thailand are only 6 dollars. neck repair.

heaven.

is this really happening?

on the way back we are going through hongkong.

my only duty is to obtain pills.

got ambien, have to get vic. i actually really want to get centrist on these goals:
write
read
be on a schedule
replenish
massages
meditate every now and then
dance
party a few nights
deep sea dive at least once.
:*)

wait. i really think something will fluke this.

i'm so skattered right now i'm sorry, if only you knew how spent i feel right now. is it worth it all?