2005-08-09 - 8:03 p.m.

hey there.

who didn't cry or want to during six feet under.

welll, whats on my mind is that i'm really excited cuz one really excellent buyer in tokyo is going to set up a viewing on monday during the tradeshow. blessed. and as everyone knows someone in the room wants tokyo by the balls. i want tokyo i want tokyo i want tokyo.

the funny part is that i realize that i've clearly said/felt this same thing going through other big turnstiles. i love the grit of the teeth, the feeling of aggressive desire. i know i've felt this, "if only i get in *this* store, THEN i'll celebrate. then i'll be made. then i'll feel good." and the second something is edible, i'm wondering why the portion is so fucking small.

hehe. did i say, i got my first product in a trade mag. i feel like i said that already. but that was exciting. i'm nervous about all this. i don't want to be ridiculous, but moving in with this pr guy, i am nervy about things going too quick. or blowing out and becoming less exclusive or less controllable of growth. passe. also a friend warned me that i have to think through the number of capital i'd need if i did get a big bounce from PR, if i could actually access enough funds to fill the growth. the answer is no.

shit. i already worked on two cliients and i have *TWO MORE> and it's after 8pm. i just felt like rocking the cash element to decrease levels of insecurity. i need flow. cash. benji's. i want the money for the week off/travels. i can't believe, i finally got a tad of confirmation on the tix. not too bad. pullling the trigger tomorrow a.m. i'm so excited about that. there's so much to do before i leave, like buy xanax!

my mom was hinting about how iused not like to take long trips cuz i couldn't drink wine. i really think she was testing me. i think she smells booze on my life and wants me to fess. i feel so addicted to the speed work feeds me. so addicted. everything else is a secondary spin. booze, boys..all just a relaxing spin from the real spin.

mta. still on shit list.
busy. just busy, haven't chatted, not even to confirm travel. but apparently he's sready to board a plane and go across the world with me on monday.
electro. we seem to just make it through all of our silly physical disasters. we are just better fraternal. we have such a natural, familial love. but not at all romantic. today we argued like brother/sis about how i ate a bite of cheese a month ago and left it and then the other week a cookie and put it back in the bag in his fridge. i told him to stuff it, this is me and he's to find it adorable henceforth. he thinks i have no manners and it's germy, i called him too 9-5 and reminded him of the previous sharing of our germs on multiple levels far beyond cheese and cookies. later we laughed it off.

jezuz. i have to work into the wee wee hours again. but tomorrow a lot of the heat will be off and i can regroup sorta. fuck. so much. to . do. can you believe i don't do uppers?
incredible. everybody should just chill on me about the health and drinking and be glad my nose isnt' bleeding white blizzards.