2005-08-07 - 5:51 p.m.

instead of process anything or threatening to grow spiritually, i think i'll just work like a hog and leave the country.

haven't done that in a while. i used to pick up and go any chance i had a breath to do so. my friend busy and i talked about going on a work trip. and he's offered to pay for the flight. far far away.

and i'm actually hesitant. i feel like i'm not "supposed" to. like something bad will happen if i go run away and do something so fun. but i also will genuinely be working - 5 hours a day, minimum. i want to book it so bad. i'm waiting on a callback from an agent on a cheap ticket. cheapish.

mta really just pissed me off. i'm so sick of his hot and cold, on and off. pull and push. what the fuck does he want from me. that's all i want to know then whatever the black and white is, i'll take it, really listen and then move with it. i feel so irritated with his limitations. is he limited or waivering in his affections? i'll have so much to do this week if i leave. hopefully i'll get enough done if i go. fuck it. i'm going. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it fuck it.

:*)