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2005-07-28 - 1:02 a.m. hey kidlets. so then. well. i had a minor break down today. why is it that i can't "get" any inch of how far i've come. none of it means a thing to me. a while back i'd do any length to get to some of the places i'm at now and yet, once here, it's as if it's terribly unimportant. expected. vanished. dissopated into my questionable, vacumous sense of self. what am i going to do??????? i'm turning thirty IN SEPTEMBER. how the fuck did that happen. how? and all my entire life i thought that everything would happen at 29. this year. meeting "the guy". and when i was young i even had the tenacity to think that 29 would be really old, but i could accept it. as the time i'd "marry." can you believe? and here i am. so far from expectations. partially okay wiht it.. but this incredible lead up. you have no idea the gerth of it. the weight. 29. my favorite number. and what will i think of it as it passes me. as another year. as a year of infinite change. the year i had an organ removed and was left forever changed. the year i started a business and was supposed to write a book. the year everything and *nothing* happened. the year of 29. the catapulting year. i felt the envy of the blind power of being 25-26 tonight. that is the epic year. the year i knew nothing of the power i had. the year of which i look down upon in others with envy. i met this girl tonight who is of that age. she's an art director, already. has a guy who is moving states to be with her, surely ready to marry her down. she's adorable. sincerely. maybe a mess, who knows, but adorable. and i felt the envy of the power i feel she has. i feel like i'm fumbling for mine. regrouping. that effortless abondon of assumption is gone within me.
i know that people die. i know that people get sick and bills are due and wrinkles happen. i know that my mom and dad are human and won't always be capable of saving me. although for some magical unexplainable reason, they will always try. why am i in such a rush to have questions answered. to feel the hush of reassurance? why? why do i want these free, free times to be pulled from me? i had a breakdown today over a severe writers block that has dogged me for eight months. i was sobbing to cat that i *just can't*. that i'm too broken and everyone will see through me. that no one will want what i say. each word, every line i judged as if pac man was trailing every syllabil, eating each letter of every word i left behind. the critic, the perfectionist, the fear of being judged, talked about acidically eating away at me. we discussed my thirtieth tonight. i feel the pressure for the grand plan. some just go for a steak. i feel like i have to "do" something. it's bad enough that i have to pubically admit my age. so i might as well burn in a hell fire proper of dantes inferno. blazing. i want a lady jumping out of a cake. i want a pile of gifts. i might make the party a benefit of sorts for trees. or bees or other things i love. my body has changed so much. i'm panicking over it. it feels out of control. and i just so happen to not be one of those obsessed la ladies who will do anything and dedicate a part time job to my looks. so then i feel less than. human. recently i had those rejections and today i also had a real in, a new buy at a boutique in nyc in my fav neighborhood. so that's keen. it's a constant wave of undulations. up and down. up and down. like the making of love. the wave of an oceanic pulse. so tomorrow i have therapy bless my heart i need it as we can all clearly see. but at the same time i feel as if it's a god damn waste of time and money. we talk about all the things and places i need to be moving towards with in me. but what is it that will really help me to migrate there? what? what? what? a choice? could it be that simple? a cellular revolution? another human being? just enough therapy sessions? humph. and every night i have to take a pill at 4 in the morning. my alarm tears me from a dream. a dream away. far into the recesses of my thinking. my imagining. and i am torn back into this world. on my white matress, wondering what am i supposed to be doing??? pill. take pill. water. water. is there enough water? back to sleep. usually not a problem. but i wonder if it is effecting me otherwise. i have so much to do before my next tradeshow. and i want to go away for a week down. center. it's worth a try. i'm worried about pulling away from my life. about missing my business. about taking it with me too much while i'm away. i'm so compulsive like that. and that's why i'm panickingly late on my other deadline. i'm tempted to bring 'busy' with me. so there can be adreniline. romance. night times. something to keep me from the silence of myself. from the temptation to drink to keep myself from the silence of myself. i'm scared. so i should do it eh? :*) i hope you are well. in your cubical of life. my cubical is stinky as i didn't wear deoderant this fine, fine evening. :*) |
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