2005-07-27 - 1:19 a.m.

i'm feeling slightly...slighted.

rejected.

rejectable.

by the various pots i have on the stove (read: guys i'm en route with).
the sheer amount still doesn't pad me from the sensation of rejection. it doesn't properly disperse my energy and care. it just makes the rejection feel multiplied.

i went rock climbing today. with the old friend. he looked so ridiculously sexy. and i wanted to touch him. he *just* got out of something and i think being with me scared the ba-jez out of him. and by the fact that i'm not the way i used to be with him. i'm actually interested and gentle. so that's a turn off n? being real? somewhat available? passionate?
i feel like it comes off as needy. or too much.

to be too much.

and i feel rejected by the japanese distributor. and this one store passed on my line. so i'm just slightly aggitated by it all.

and that hottest guy on earth hasn't called. he emailed some invite that went to a bunch of other people as well. an email that only proved how entirely cool, sensitive and intelligent he is. so i'm terrified. i don't even want to touch it.

so am i setting myself up all over again with this guy? i just fucking feel like it never works for me. like the guy i like never makes *that* kind of effort with me. i have to bend and twist and play intricate games of catch and release to keep them playing. it's fucking stupid.

jsut stupid.

i just feel like i'll never ever get it right. i like someone and they like me. when does that happen?

rock climbing was interesting. we went on a cliff on the beach. steep with very little edges to nub feet into.

it was terrifying.

i got to a point then just said, okayi'm done. i couldn't go any further. fear just collapsed my belief.

and what an example of trust. faith. belief. trusting that the 3/4" nub of rock will support my entire weight and i won't slip off from it. i wonder if i'll dream about verticles. sometimes i have these terrifying dreams of being in a car and having to go up such a steep hill that i can't make it. just can't climb, then i start to tip backwards. theres always that fear.

the amazing part is when i'd lift my body up by my leg on that 3/4 of an inch of rock wall and i'd surge past all doubt. feeling like it happened solely because i believed.

but i found the limitations of my belief. the place i just stopped and could go no further. beneath us there were several sunset beach photo shoots taking place. a bikini essense shoot. a wedding photo session.

i was on the rock, terrified, looking over at the couple wondering what i'm more terrified of. how did i get here. how have i become so afraid? how have i wondered so far from feeling like i know how to have a boyfriend.

my brother reminded me as he sat with his girlfriend to enjoy it while i can. it's true. i'm so in my own space. no kids. no committments. totally a time for me. my travel. my career. my creativity. my time. my list of boys that entertain, break my heart and pay for meals. :*) someday that will all be some window i'm desperate to recapture just for a day.

but today, within that window, i feel as if i'll never leave.