2005-07-25 - 10:51 p.m.

i'm listening to opera. it's so soothing. yet at the time of its popularity, some of it was a revolution. some lost their minds over it. walked out of rooms. made blind threats.

it's wild to me the seeds from which people grow committments to loose their life over.

have you ever thought, honestly, to yourself, no sugar coating, what it is you believe in enough to loose your life over?

or who it is?

can you believe this, i've been working all day. took 1 1/2 meal "breaks," now i'm going to work on a friend last min, then i'll probably come back and work some more.

i have to finish some things before tomorrow. and god damn if i didn't finish my budgets tonight. or bills. it's *never* enough.

NEVER NEVER NEVER ENOUGH.

the deadline has to be done. the bills have to be done. the budgets have to be done. i have to make money.

but it all seems slightly less abrasive set to opera.

we ship our first tradeshow shipment tomorrow and i did some today. the belts are late. is this borring you? should we go back to philosophy on life and being?

sex?

okay sex.
luckily i haven't had any. i just want to simplify and make it "less is more." but i did have a right make out session with one of the hottest guys i've ever met. and we snuggled. which still has not secured a call there-after. which is so expected, i probably willed it into being.

sat night i kidnapped a friend went to this party with tents out front and a tall goregous guy with a very large bunny hat on. right at this moment i'm thinking about the picture we took and how years from now if that somehow gets back to me and i wonder who the hell are these people, i might feel really empty. and spread thin. the importance of it all. the illusion. the temptations, addictions to having so much, vesting my interests across several so that the concentration of it doesn't land with just one, and collapses them.

so hottest guy on earth walked me to my car in the morning and said, "i'll call you soon." wtf does that mean. that's so ooo why bother.

he's young, i could practically spell out word for word how it will all play out. but it's that type of thing, i know it's "wrong," and will lead to repetitions of my feelings of crap, but god, can't i keep just this one? can icanicani? please? ice blue eyes ya'all.

come on.

lizards pushing my buttons again. calls me in her sensitive bs thing asking if i was irritated she couldn't go out the other night. she's asks this and many other insecure questions often. i got kinda irritated and she got wierd cuz she was in her uber sensitive mood and i felt like oncE AGAIN she was picking a fight to get something. get some wierd around the corner comfort. to instigate. i felt that need. that need for me to solve her, or make her day better, fix her fucking mood. i just can't take it. can't take it. can't. take. it.

sometimes i just want to not be responsible to say just that exact right thing or *else* i'm in trouble and i get a fight picked with me.

i'm sad. this japanese distributor completely said my work wasn't ready. basically wrote me off. it's okay, sometimes that only makes me work harder. i want tokyo by the balls.

my bff i mentioned last entry is taking me rock climbing tomorrow. we made out. pg. but it was incredible. we were slightly stoned. i've known him for seven years. so he's always been a brother. we made out once before jsut because. other than that we've only snuggled and walked around like nude bohemians. but there was never questions. we were looking into eachothers eyes and it was kindly intense. i love him. but could never be wiht him. he's a fucking nut. but i love him. a lot. i have a fantasy of being in the jungle with him and making love. we never have. made love. or been in a jungle. but he went deep into the chiapas for weeks with nothing but self and a maccetti. the big knife. jezuz you try and keep your pants on when you think about that. and if you saw his body, underwear would instantaneously materialize. but there isn't some viseral chemistry. just a lot of love and tenderness.

will i ever get it right?

i feel surrounded in black and white circles but never able to find my bullseye.

i'm okay wiht that, but i'm just curious. curious how this will all finally play out. curious how someday all these q's will most likely be answered. and i'll marvel about all the days i wondered.

do you think time exhists linearly? is it all happening at once. the moment. the moment we're in. not any other. progressing wrecklessly forward.

then what?

i have to go ... i'm feeling pausingly sad. i think i'm way off. in general. the pendulum has swung so far the other way. where once i used to make my well being a part time fucking job...it is now an aching after-thought.

even through surgery. i'm still so entirely tripped out that something i was born with is just gone.

that suddenly i'm so different.

which was strange during the makeout session. i had my cowgirl eighties moon blue scarf on all night. tasseled with beads. nutty. got high marks tho. and i still had it on in the morning when he asked whats this thing? i offered him to take it off. the shame within me eating apart every inch of my curled in body.

i explained the surgery. simplified a vague story. casualized it. tossed it off then felt paniced in his arms feeling to open, vunerable. exposed against my will. like a little sea animal whose rock is pulled up by a curious kid. i realized how much shame i have in my body. how much i clutch onto it.

do you?

is anyone else so gaurded about their body?

i'm listening to eazy e on the radio. somehow that's comforting.
i need a guy, who needs a girl who needs to move from opera to eazy e easily.

i found an apartment. it's was so entirely strange. the details of occurence. so simple. i'm scared. no not that distinct, more like paused. paused to see if this is real. or just so strange coincidence i sifted out.

i was on the east side after snuggle all night session with hottest boy. got coffee, felt like i'd die cuz i forgot medication. fucking a. driving around to find new place of stay. found some random little european street. barreled down till i noticed neighbors runing after me. over a bump i threw out a car light. the guy who helped me has the exact same car. is from the same home town. is moving. his apartment, adorable, available. he's moving? to my block.

yes.

so it's like, i have to take it. because the gods of whatever just nabbed me, yanked my hair and said, pay attention! here. now.

maybe.

i have to get a better look at the lower apartment in his lill building. not sure i could take the expansion.
afraid.

600 more.

SIXHUNDRED MORE.

that's enough to make me nervous. and yet i don't have a set salary, so i'm limited by my own means and mind. if i do it, i may just *have* to make it work. it's time. i'm so over cooked on this place i've been for 8 years.

done.

burnt.

ready.

but the time is challenging.

right now i have too much going on. i need to focus and not pack my entire apartment that i've accumulated 8 years of crap over.

i need to not spend money as i'm bldg a biz and need to be ...

so i can either wait till the project deadline is done and i reward myself with the move. that would be very adult of me. but if i find that i fall headlessly in love with the apartment, then fuck it.

right?

let's all get on the fuck it bus and have a drink shall we?

much love.