2005-07-08 - 11:48 p.m.

holy shiznitle. hi there.

feeling better. but that could be attributed to the kavakava kocktail.

so check this shit out. not in all of the dozens of fucking meaningless twenty second doctors appointments i've had did they bother to tell me not to take the calcium with the fucking thyroid hormone. so the calcium blocks the thy/hormone which is the thing that inspires energy in your system which explains why the f i've been bent, tired, nearly depressed, gaining weight and tired at 10a.m., 3pm, 6pm. 10pm. ready to get horizontal on asphalt after trekking a small city hill. so i'm supposed to take the fucking shit med's on a completely empty. nada. no cream in my farkin coffee, no soy. nothing i tell you. otherwise the feller doesn't absorb right, you have to have four entire hours of an empty stomache on either side of the pill a' poppin. so the last two nights i take it good and proper, setting my alarm at 4a.m. in the morning. today, second day of g&p, i wake up, 1/4 cup of decaf AND I AM A STRUNG MONKEY. literally, felt just like i had done a line of coke in broad daylight. here i am, jittery, out of my fucking mind. hemoragging ADD, talking like i'll never have a chance to again in my life. the girl that helps me with work comes over and i'm supper self conscious pacing the room, trying to sound "normal" while i'm cracked out like a fucking fiend. conversations were difficult today. you would of put your money on the fact that i was hitting the pipe. it wasn't until 2 that i even thought of eating. and that was a forced effort to attempt some sort of come down. but then i ate a pretty large meal at dinner finally. this energy hormone thing owns me. *owns me*.

can you handle that? i was shaking all day, barely able to work. talking fast circles around ears that couldn't catch a word i was saying.

but today i finished a package of product for a press tour with a really respectable actress that wow, well, is an institution. just an institution, ever since she was little. that's yer hint. :*) fuckin a if she even wears one god damn piece, fuck that oculd be really good.

so on cat and i's way out tonight we drove the package by the stylist for the tour and cat dropped it offf lookin ridiculous and saying she was my "assistant". haha. that's a friend. so surreal. really. this is the most uncomfortable i've ever been. i'm desperate to destroy it. all.

but i keep plodding ahead. with my extra thousand pounds of back fat i've gained and all. which brings me to a fantastic point, i have two fucking ripe cookies waiting for me to get evil on their ass. i'll wait till i get into bed. it's a comfort thing. *now* u see why i have to take the pill at four fucking a. m. cuz whne the fuck else do i not have food in my mouth for a consecutive four hours. truth be told, i prefer to feel entirely cracked out rather than lethargic like an emotionally unbalanced teenager contemplating suicide, but inevitably too lazy to go through with it.

i'm a little freeeked out at the mo'. i met a pretty ridiculous contact tonight, editorial. my friend was having a diareah mouth about my stuff and the girl was already pulling out her card within two minutes. normally i might beg for that card. she said something ridiculous about doing a holiday story. and to get her material this week...i'm freeeked. i can't have this going on. it's just not what i know. okay, in the big scheme, not important. i suppose procreating is more so, but fuck all, this is the momentum of my dream. the one i've coveted in my baby girl arms from the whole world who ignored and shuffled me to the side when they were hurting.

sorry that was so dramatic. but really, i've been so ignored for so long, that i just can't stand when people are finally taking me seriously. i feel so ...it feels unreal. like they'll all find out i'm a fake or something. i know that's so predictable. that's whats cool about being human :*) universiality.

so then. last night i called ben. you long time readers can be rewarded with the memory of my long lost across the sea love, british ben. ;i was worried about the losses. he's alright. we chatted for a while. i finally told him about the two inch scar cutting across my neck, which by the way some fucking cock sucker teen at best buy couldn't stop from being a total asshole about it and stopped as if i was standing naked before her, staring horrifically, then acting all queer like an untrained pup.

what else? i'm just wierded out by work. nothing real to report with boys. electro and i exchanged some fluids over last weekend, forgot to mention. :*)

maybe mtg up with an underqualified adorable tomorrow. aimlessly fumbling forward.

but really, i'm just trying desperately to stop from feeling like i'm sinking. sinking. submerged.

so i'm taking the pill again at 4am. and like a sick fuck i can't wait to see if i'm cracked out tomorrow. can you imagine trying to self regulate something that your body normally naturally releases in perfect sync with your bodies needs? now i'm responsible for it, myself and some lab coats. like "god". god. god. god.

god

god

god

god god godg godgdogodgodgdogodgodgodogdogodgodogodgodgodogodgodogdogodgodogogd

do you believe in god?