2005-07-09 - 4:22 a.m.

hi. it's gonna have to be a two entry night.

so my phone rings and i'm thinking it's my 4a.m pill alarm but it's my friend. she was having a panic. feeling like something really bad is going to happen, wondering if i'm okay. then she told me she acted out with her ex. which she felt horrible about and the one she just broke up with drove by and saw that ex leave int he middle of the night. she just wanted comfort by being with the guy becuz of some stuff coming up and now she feels that shame.

that shame.

i just feel...tight. i feel tight with emotion that feels like it has no where to go. i feel bad cuz i feel like i talked too much because i wanted to fix it all for her.

she told me earlier that we would need to talk, that something came up in therapy that day, and i knew right away intuitively what it was. i've always wondered. always sensed.

i'm so hurt and angry and i feel so impotent. i can't go "do" anything about this. particularly at 4.30am.

when she was little she was violated. 20 years ago. we've been so tight for so many years and she just now has been able to say something for the first time. she said something to her ex while they were together cuz he had brought up something about himself and after she brought hers up he jumped on it and wanted her to prosecute and take action and etc. that just made her feel entirely too unsafe and then she felt like, fuck it, that's the last time i ever talk about it again. i understand. how much it can be...too much to feel like...just now for the first time even being able to let people know, of course she's not ready to go on a crusade to bring this person to "justice". i remember experiencing this terrible and odd feeling with my best friend from college after she was raped.

i remember standing beside ..fuck..feeling hurt and angry again...really really out of control...like there's nothing i can do...she came home one night. i was sober at the time, i took her to the emergency room rape specialist center place and stood by her while they gave her some exam to make sure nothing *else bad was transmitted. screaming. wincing, body fighting against any more hands touching. cold. bright lights. my other friend that was there fainted during this. i was holding her hand through the exam. it was one of the most painful moments.

then the cops came in after with the counselor. they gently were asking about taking a statement to later use to press charges. she paniced. lost it. i couldn't understnad, but i knew at this moment she was feeling attacked and pushed and i had to be with her, even if it meant allowing him to walk with this. they left and i gentley tried to talk to her about pressing charges. it was like someone on a cliff and people trying to push that person off and they are screaming no, stop, don't, i can't.

i kept her clothes from that night with the evidence for a year in a plastic bag. we never did anything. she had enough on her plate just trying to heal. trying not to hurt herself continually after. this woman is one of the brightest souls i know. one of the most peaceful, the most fair and kind to every single human being.

i felt that same way and i at least had that understanding tonight not to push an ounce with her and just stand on her side quietly. even though it goes against every bone in my body. i'm a fighter, a protector i want blood. i want the fucking blood of the person who did it. i want the head. metaphorically so. i also know at the base of it, the person who did it, is just a sicker person. very, very sick. so then what we punish further the sick? well at least we get them out of mixing with and hurting others. at least we call it what it is so it can't keep going on under some shroud.

when she was telling me i just couldn't man. barely hold it together. i don't know how i'll .. i'm going to have to have maybe a jack and coke. i know that sounds ridiculous but i'll never be able to sleep. it's just so malicious. and strange. it happens when a human being, a little girl is most vunerable. it happened (pls keep this very private) while her mom was having a break, and was in the hospital. the mom was in the mental hospital. my friend was only 8 and it was a shrink. a woman. a woman shrink when she was only 8 and her whole world was violently falling apart.

that shame.

i understand how her bf could want to fucking raise it up and want to prosecute and find the fucking god damn and take her fucking liscence away. it's that anger. at the injustice. i feel so fucking angry. i felt the same with my college friend, i had to see him everywhere and could do nothing. i felt as if, and i'm a mouthy girl, i usually am the one who speaks in the room for everyone elses feelings, then gets reprimanded for it...but i felt that if i got angry, acted on it, i would be negating some opportunity for the anger to be hers. it would of made her feel further violated if i caused drama and brought him the fuck down publically. or privately. brought him down. it was one of the first profound times i put every instinct in me aside for the love of another.

my friend wanted to know if i would leave her because she's too dark. she half heartedly said this as i know by this time she knows completely that i won't. she waited this long to bring it up to be damn sure i wouldn't leave if. i already sensed it. i much rather have someone talking then sitting with it.

it's like acid on a penny, all her life the acid is eating at the penny and you don't know why the pennys being eaten away, you can't see the acid. and talking about it, identifying whats eating, then you can wash the acid away. stop it. we all have our stuff and i'd take someone who's in the trenches with it fighting for their "self", their core over the person constantly reacting off their stuff without ever questioning why.

i didn't press to know what all happened. i'm so surprised she went that far with the info.

well. i don't know what to do now. i feel, there isn't anyone i'll tell about this, but i feel so sad and angry about it, i feel like i want or need to talk with someone, like my mom. i guess its more respectful if i just talk about it with my therapist. i want to know how to best help with it too. i don't ..i feel like i talk to much. talk over someones feelings becuz of my own feeling that control or some nerves about fixing it or saying all the right things.

shit my fucking screenless window has been open all night. my guyfriend once while drunk climbed through it from the tree. i hate knowing that that exhists.

i hate feeling like there are some things we just can't control.

my eyes are burning and i'm thinking of my little girl. of my sister. i'm terrified. she called tonight. like some asshole, the first question i always try to ask is whether its an emergency. cuz i was at a party. but her calls get answered no matter what i'm doing. i've always been so scared that her male therapist might cross a line. i've always wanted her to stop seeing him just to be sure. he said something about her with boys that just felt wrong. i'm really pushy about it. meaning, i sometimes overstep my bounds maybe with her mom. because her fucking mom isn't doing crack about it or anything with my girl. so i try. i love her mom, she just has her own plate full and her own demons she tears herself down over. she's still just trying to survive and expects that if everythigns quiet then my girl is okay. i really took off on my other aunt recently for speaking out of turn to my girl at the worst time possible. they may be loosing their house. and that aunt was catastrophizing it and saying way more than she should of and it got my girl totally freeked out feeling like the ground beneath her was getting pulled out. the aunt is very dramatic and selfish as hell, senselessly acting dramatic for her own personal gain, becuz she's always thougth my girls mom did it all wrong and now she gets to finger wag at her. not to mention that aunt is hung up on beauty and how she felt not as pretty as my mom and the other aunt. her whole life she's been "wierd" and jealous and fucked up with my girl cuz my girl drops bombs. she's goregous. my aunt can't be a fucking adult for two god damn minutes and put herself aside to do whats best, or say whats best for my girl and her mom. i set her very straight over that. railed her very kindly. my mom says, 'my family is so fucked up, thank god grandma isn't here to see all this.'

i want to protect my girls. this is what eats me daily. it's been increasing. my mom talked about loosing their health insurance and i asked what they do, and she said she didn't know. what? i know how much health costs. i felt that pressure grow catastrophically. that pressure to earn some real money to start providing for others. i'm an "adult" now and that's what they seem to do. this pressure to make something of my business and start turning this profit yesterday. that's why i've been coming home early the last few nights. that's why i've been partying less, dating non exhistantly. barely retaining crushes. i feel like i'm constantly tredding water, just trying to float with this, i can't let it go. let the team down. i have to provide. i hate that people talk about the details. i used to be all about that. just so that i felt like i was worthy to be in a room with other people. like i needed the 'being in barneys' type of details. now it's about actualizing. i don't feel a tad successful given all the shiney detials in the world unless i'm making the real money. money you can consider downpayments with and helping family and putting my girl through school with. i don't want to talk about it until then. i won't hear a word anyone says about this until then. i guess i'm feeling like it's the only way i can feel some sense of contrl and be able to protect those i love.

i am going to go close the window that's open to the outside and try and go to bed.

i'm sorry if this brought up feelings for others who have dealt with violations. i'm with you on this. i'm sorry to say, you not alone. and your not wrong. xo