2005-07-11 - 8:55 p.m.

hi.

i jsut wanted to update, refresh.

i had a nice weekend. reunited with a male friend.. just checkin' them off a list. the devil you know is much better than the devil you don't.

and i had a devil of a good time.

i really want to move across town. i felt so inspired. we wennt neighborhood shopping for me. it was keen. i'm jsut feeling so pressed against the cheeast with that pressure to provide, survive and possibly thrive. i'm not confident about backing myself into a higher rent. i'm basically in a high rent area with a veyr low rent. humph. not to mention i want to take on more expense with getting someone to clean up after me at least once a month and then ii want to increase the hours of my girl that helps me.

i just really, really, really, really really
REALLY WNAT TO FUCKING MOVE.
i want to have a moving party. i want a breath of fresh air. i want to like my space again and want to decorate and inaugurate the place. i have been in this same pad for 8 years, that's longer than most marriages. i've got to do it. i'm just afraid of the funds. i'm afraid of feeling i'll have to constantly take out loans to cover my business and living costs.

i'm spoiled. there are just things i want. wantwnatanwant. like moving, and to fix my camera, shit i forgot all the other things i wanted. i feel like they were electronically inclined.

electro is having hiss bday tonight and i'm too tee-d off at him to attend. he really pissed me off this weekend. he has this night he throws and he texted me about it and emailed me. so i'm in that part of town for dinner and i bring a whole group. he knew i was there but didn't come find me, then when i'm leaving i go to say bye and he's talking to a tall thin. and he gives me ;this uncomfortable brush like i'm some fucking stalker. wtf. i am so pisssed. if we are okay with being ffr's then wtf did he get so uncomfortable. why couldn't he jsut give a friend a hug and call it a day? i wouldn't of cock blocked. that solid with me. jezuz to even *doubt* that is a muther fuckin insult to my character, calm and sense of self. and a grave over estimation of my attachment to him. it's an insult.. he did this once before, before we played a game of roll around. he dropped me like dead weight.l now get it, even my bff gf's don't pull that crap when they are in silly luv with a new chap. they don't drop a friend. wtf. then today he doesn't make one effort to encourage or ask me to go to his bday tonight. i'm not jsut going to show up feeling like a soar thumb muther fucker. fuck.

i hate to see friendships go down becuz of blurred boundaries. what i like about my friend busy is he has no boundaries, neither do i, so neither of us miss a beat holding hands then talking about a hot person or something really sick like that. we have a healthy sense of place. plus we're both too busy to devote any obsessive time to it.

i gave the pitch to that great editorial person today. again today with the stress. i finally felt like i got "enough" done. but then it's at the expense of myself, so in the end,i am still not happy. cuz i didn't work out, i didn't take "lunch" until 6pm. i jsut feel too paniced if i spend a couple of hours doing anything other than work or fucking off work in a drastic and dangerous way.

omg- graceland, i know i need a beach day. remember, that's all i used to talk about..;.the surfing, the exact waves i caught. jezuz how my life has changed. i can't even think about tkg that time and if i could, i can't submerge "the scar" to the toilet cest that is the ocean that we are currently hell bent on destroying.

which brings me to my morning fuss. i bring my own mug to starfucks in the morning to do my part to save at least one tree per lifetime. i hand my fuckin mug and the fuckoff grabs an entire other cup to write what i ordered on it. so i told him off. i shave, so i feel like i have a right to act the urban warrior enviro-geek. i am so sick of consumer waste. i get a piece of food that is twice wraped in plastic to then be dumped in a paper bag four times it's size, to walk me several blocks and then never be used again. particularly at the video store. why the fuck does anyone need a plastic bag to bag the plastic box that boxes the plastic disc? so that it might not spill? fuck. fuck. man. fuck. fuck. so tonight, as is ritualistic of my anti-consumer using obsession, i say, please don't give me that bag that my grandmother could fit in. so i'm left crossing the terrain of my main street with a mountain of bills and mail, purse, 1 liter of coke, package of marble cake and my phone squeezed between my neck and shoulder.

let's all take a hit for mamma earth.

here's ineb's enviro suggestions of the day:
use one refillable receptical for your daily water or gin and tonic. no need man for the dozens of plastic bottles to add to land fills and pollute the enviro in their making or possible if your lucky recycling. just refill your said portable receptical at the office water tank, saving money and the world. even if you don't want to fork over greenbacks for a nifty hippy screw off top everyone at yoga has it water jug, save your next whiskey bottle, rinse and repeat.

2. routinely refuse refuse. loudly so others can take your lead. don't take to the american parranoid obsession with over packaging. bring your own bag. *note to the fashionable. i've also accidentally used my reusable canvas grocery bag as a purse for a year too. you really have to be able to pull it though.

3. recycle idea's when too hung over to generate new ones. when in a mtg with your boss, "recycle" the idea of the coworker next to you, while taking all the credit. environmentalist deserve all the credit after all.

4. recycle threads. don't shop from the man for a new fix, have a girls and gay boys party where everyone brings a couple of things they want to get off their cheast and then you all trade. i got a keen red number and a fax this way.

well i'm not even going to excuse my blasted rant coupled with hyper shoulds. but really? platistic baggin the plastic box that boxes the plastic disc?